What is it like to be a father?
It’s great.
And a father of three daughters?
Even better. It is easiest when they’re not there. But then I miss them so much that I can’t wait for them to come back from school or kindergarten. A bit like with Mickiewicz: “I don’t sigh, I don’t cry.” But when I “do not see them for a long time”, the longing is huge. Lately, it just so happens, I miss them rarely. Jola, my wife, is taking care of her sick mother 150 kilometres away. And I am taking care of the renovation – because we are moving and renovating the house for the coming of my mother-in-law – and of my daughters. Róża, Berenika, and Sara. 12-year-old, 10-year-old, and 4-year-old. A sixth-grader, a fourth-grader, and a pre-schooler. Three girls, each one is different. They experience successes and failures differently; each one will fall in love differently.
You’re not bored.
Not for a moment. And I really appreciate the relationship with my daughters – it’s amazing. I began to grasp it even before Róża was born. Jola and I were on our honeymoon trip around the world. We were 24, we were on the other side of the planet. In Chile, it turned out that Jola was pregnant. We went to a gynaecologist to do our first tests, we considered whether or not to continue our journey. We also spoke to a midwife who is called a matrona in Spanish. And she said, “You are already a father.” She said that this was the time when I should have taken care of the child and its sense of security. “Speak, let the baby hear your voice. Lie down next to your wife every day and talk to her belly. Talk about this world, the wilderness, whales, forests, waterfalls. Everything you see.” And so, I would talk to Róża in my wife’s belly. We continued our journey – through Argentina and the United States. And I was starting my fatherhood journey.
Did you talk to the other bellies too?
Yes, and I think I did it more for myself than for my daughters. It is different with mothers – a bond is being created for nine months, not just a mental one, but also a more tangible one – kicks, fidgeting in the belly, hearts beating together. We fathers have to make some effort to build this bond before we see the baby. Build awareness that the baby is there. I talked to each of them before I saw them. And I keep doing this. I keep telling the girls about this world because I am convinced that nowhere are there better conditions for learning, for explaining reality, than at home. It is from their parents and by observing their parents that children learn to live.
And they ask questions.
I do not shy away from these questions, I do not say, “You’ll find out later.” Because if I let go of my child, she may leave me forever – she will ask someone else questions and look for answers elsewhere. It is as if I were depriving myself of the greatest value, which is the presence and trust of my daughters. I try to adapt the answers to the age and needs of the whoever is asking the question. We answered the question “where do children come from?” differently when she was less than two years old and her sister was born than we do it now that she is a teenager. Back then, we had some nice little books with pictures of a mother’s cell and father’s sperm. With an illustration of dad giving mum a kiss. We explained that children come from love. Now we also add biological details. When a toddler asks why dad is sad, all you need to do is answer that dad had a hard day at work because his friends were rude to him. A teenager can already be told that the relations between subordinates and superiors are not always easy, that there is competition, that not everyone plays fair. Two-year-olds don’t need information on tax payments, sexual positions or economic problems. But every child needs a parent to be open-minded, not to run away.
As a man and father, how do you feel about puberty and menstruation?
I will put it like this – I will never practice, but I am for and support it.
Do you know how to talk about more difficult matters, for example intimate ones?
I do not. I’m learning everything. And I found that I should just talk about it. For example, the issue of puberty and menstruation came naturally to us. How else, since this is a matter of physiology? In our house, you do not shout, “Oh, sanitary pads, there are sanitary pads!”, just as you don’t shout “tissues, toilet paper!” They are simply there. We pee, poop, have a runny nose, and adult women get their periods. That’s the long and the short of it. You can talk about anything. Of course, it is easier to explain to a two-year-old what a cold is than a period because it sometimes happens to them. And for the same reason my daughters naturally started talking about their period with my wife. The girls share anatomical similarities. Plus, mum uses pads or tampons, so she was asked some technical questions.
And you?
And although I do not menstruate, I know about this stuff, too. I cannot tell my daughter how a person feels when menstruating, but I know where to buy tampons or pads, and that sometimes you need painkillers. And I used to explain to the girls that their mother needs to rest today or sleep longer because she is on her period, she is a bit weaker because of this and she might feel a bit worse. Menstruation appears in commercials, on television, in older girls, and also in class. It also appeared in “Thorgal” with us.
In the comic?
I often try to use the things around me to explain the world. These are also our parental tasks. I am rather discouraged by educational issues because what is educational is often a boring, one-sided lecture. It’s much better to show the world in the things you like. I like comics. And together with my older daughters, we read the comic book series “Thorgal”. There is some violence, there is killing, there is even rape – but no dazzling. It was an excuse to talk to the girls about important and difficult matters. Menstruation also occurs because one of the protagonists gets pregnant and her partner realises, among other things, that she has no menstrual bleeding.
Many would criticise you for offering such content to children.
I am not tomato soup and not everyone has to like me. If someone does not like this aesthetics, then they do not have to read it. We like it.
Have you ever told one of your daughters, “Talk to your mother about this stuff”?
There is no “this stuff”. If the girls come to me, it means they want answers from me. I also try not to overdo it in any way. For example, the theme of menstruation can be spiced up – that it is blooming, that a girl is like a bud that is turning into a flower. And then the girl will go to school and hear a shallow period joke. I remember such jokes from my school. Therefore, it is necessary to show various aspects of the issues. A poetic vision is not enough. It must also be said that one can be – wrongly – embarrassed because of being on their period. It’s a bit like naming the genitals – you can say “pussy,” but the child should also know the term “vagina”. And know that some people refer to this part of the body in a vulgar way. This is the full picture.
Some people would rather maturation and physiology were dealt with at school.
We should not have expectations of others. My daughters are my dearest creatures – if I don’t want them to be ashamed of their periods, to hide in corners, to hide tampons, to be afraid that physiology is something wrong, then I should help them gain reliable knowledge. The best method is to talk. And a child’s best teacher is the parent. Sex education in school is important and necessary. But we cannot leave a child’s upbringing to the system.
You joined the #podpaskizaopaski campaign initiated by the Period Coalition to combat period poverty. Why?
Because any form of drawing attention to the fact that a physiological phenomenon should not be a cause of embarrassment, a taboo, or a problem is important. And when I wrote about it on my blog, the comments only confirmed my conviction that there is still a lot to be done. There was a lot of criticism because this topic is irrelevant to some people, because it is not a problem, why talk about sanitary pads. And it’s not about giving away hygiene products, or at least not just about that. We work to ensure that girls are not ashamed of being girls, women. Not to say “women’s business” anymore because it’s our business, too. And boys, too, should be able to say “menstruation” without embarrassment. Then their mothers, wives, and daughters will be better off.
How do you see your role in helping Róża, Berenika and Sara accept their bodies, physiology and changes?
This is a very responsible task, especially in the world of social media, when the image of the perfect body – often false because it’s improved by filters and photo processing programmes – is crucial for a lot of young people. I try to show my daughters that what they see is not always true. Once during a walk with Róża we saw a poster, and in the poster, a polar bear was lying on a mattress. “Is this real?” Róża asked me. And we had a conversation that in advertising many things are created and they have nothing to do with reality.
I know that children learn a lot through the prism of their own family. I can do a lot for my daughters by treating their mother with love and respect. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. If another husband says the same about his, I’ll high five him. It’s like a child says “my daddy is the best in the world”. Isn’t it true? It is. Because the child thinks so. Well, it’s the same for me. If I treat her with the love I treated her when we met 20 years ago, if I look not from the perspective of kilograms or wrinkles, I will give them the certainty that love is not conditioned by a magazine look, that it is something more. Guys, love your wives. Make them heart-shaped sandwiches to work. You will make them happy. And you will convince your daughters that they are worth the best of everything.
Are you a poet or what?
An engineer. I worked on construction sites, in a shipyard. You don’t have to be a poet to talk about feelings.
Do you think girls should behave well?
Why? What for? They are supposed to be themselves. If they prefer to be tactful, kind, conscientious, and exemplary in school, why not. But if you prefer to be a rock girl, I’m all for it. It makes me angry that boys are allowed to run and mess up, and girls hear, “Take it easy or you will sweat.” Being polite over time can turn into submission, into fulfilling the whims of others and forgetting about yourself. Do I want my daughter to agree to go to bed with a guy who wants it just because she can’t say no? Do I want her to work based on a junk contract, or to stay overtime without pay because she has been taught at home to agree to everything? Never! The word “no” is the most important word a child learns. Of course, it is easier to raise a meek person who does not oppose. But it is worth the effort, allowing for discussions, for questioning, for your own opinion. I really don’t like how we talk about two-year-old rebellion. Because rebellion is something that needs to be suppressed. And during this period, the child begins to learn what it is like to have their own opinion. It is the parent’s job to support them in this learning for the rest of their lives. So that they can set limits. Because it allows them to take care of their safety.
Does anything change over time in your relations with Róża, Berenika and Sara?
The mask of idealism is gone. I’m not a superhero any more. As they get older, they get to know more and more people. They begin to confront. Another dad has more money, someone has a better house, but someone spends more time with the kids, and someone else screams at them. It has also changed that I can help a 2-year-old in the bath, but a 5-year-old does not want to do it anymore. And that’s normal. With time, I appreciate the moments when one of them wants to hug, climb onto my lap or grab my hand while walking more and more. Because it will end sometime. And it will be normal. But for me – I already know – these moments will be sorely missed. I am happy with each one. So that I do not kick myself that I have wasted something.
Exactly. Your beard is very blue. What if the girls wanted to dye their hair?
A bit of controlled madness? Why not! Last summer, we chose dyes together – me for the beard, the permanent one, and they for the hair that comes off after a few washes.
Jarek Kania - father of Róża, Berenika and Sara, husband of Jola, author of the blog Ojcowska Strona Mocy (Father’s Side of the Force)
Author: Agnieszka Urazińska
Illustration: Marta Frej
The text was published in „Wolna Sobota” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 19 June 2021.
