We want girls to have the same opportunities to develop and choose their life paths as boys, to feel as important a part of society, to be safe, healthy, confident, to set ambitious goals, to believe in their abilities and to experience respect for their choices, passions and ways of life. So they can walk their own paths. How can we help them build and strengthen their self-esteem?
Looking closely at girls’ everyday lives, it is clear that at home, at school and in other areas of life, girls all too often undergo training in passivity, silence, submission, responsibility and adaptation to others, confirming their belief in the lack of ability, insecurity when speaking publicly and defending their beliefs, focusing on physical attractiveness, self-criticism and sexualisation of their own bodies, i.e. perceiving and treating it as an object that must meet someone else’s expectations and which is to fit into a specific pattern of sexual attractiveness, hence girls’ efforts to have “sexy” attributes – clothes or hairstyles, to present themselves in a particular way on social media and describe themselves through terms related to sexuality, etc.
Differences in the perception of the behaviour of boys and girls and our beliefs
Each and every one of us can give many examples of this from our own lives. In many subtle ways, we undermine the development of girls, discouraging them from being leaders. When a little boy is decisive and confident, he gets a leadership label. When a girl behaves in the same way, she is very often referred to as “bossy”. Most girls throughout their childhood hear and see other women who judge and criticise their appearance. As they grow up, they themselves become very judgemental about their own bodies and those of other girls. Girls learn very early that their body and appearance are objects of someone’s interest, pleasure and desire. Instead of beneficial knowledge about the structure and healthy functioning of the body and the development of sexuality, they receive advice on how to modify their appearance to please others. Culture has never sexualised girls so directly before. The Internet has become an area and an opportunity for “fishing”, exploitation, humiliation, and intimidation.
It is worth realising for ourselves what we have been taught about girls and women. Stereotypes related to femininity are our internal scheme, which is worth verifying. Because all beliefs about what girls and women are “by nature” and what they “should be” prevent us from supporting girls in exploiting all their potential, and not just the part that society considers “feminine”. Let us consider the effect of upbringing in the belief that girls should be: delicate, gentle, physically weak, quiet, dependent, variable, emotional, taking care of their appearance and focused on the private sphere.
What blocks girls
Whether we are parents or people who, in different roles and areas, influence girls’ lives, very often, in many different ways, without reflection, following our own beliefs and prejudices about femininity, we unconsciously contribute to weakening and blocking girls’ development:
- by offering different games, activities, physical activities, tasks, exercises, prizes, gifts or clothes to boys and girls,
- by applying double standards for assessing appearance and behaviour, e.g. by exaggerating the requirements for girls regarding the aesthetics of the work they do, applying specific restrictions on the way girls dress for school and lowering the requirements or assessments regarding subjects that are stereotypically considered male,
- by expressing more or less explicitly your own or borrowed/assimilated, harmful views about what boys and girls are or should be (“you behave worse than a boy”, “a girl should be able to write better”),
- by dividing interests, passions, school subjects and scientific fields into appropriate or more suitable for boys and girls,
- by treating what the girls have to say as less important (silence training),
- by putting emphasis on being kind and polite instead of allowing girls to express their own opinions (training submission and discipline towards authorities and norms),
- by disregarding or discouraging girls when appointing important functions and tasks, suggesting that boys are “by nature” more suited to these functions,
- by providing boys and girls with educational materials, set books or textbooks in which the figures of girls and women are stereotyped or omitted in the narrative about the world (e.g. in some textbooks and set books, men are presented in social and professional roles related to power, prestige and wealth, high education and autonomy, while women are presented in professions related to working in low-paid positions in trade and services or as people outside the world of professional work – unemployed, taking care of loved ones, working at home),
- by focusing on the appearance of girls, commenting on it, introducing regulations relating only to the appearance and clothing of girls, assessing and criticising,
- by sexualising the girls’ behaviour, assigning them sexual meanings that are not the girls’ intention. Girls receive a number of behavioural prohibitions every day, such as: don’t sit like that, dress modestly, don’t smile provocatively, etc., and hear comments and “jokes” of a sexual nature,
- by disregarding situations in which peers violate the boundaries and dignity of girls. This phenomenon consists of all unwanted forms of verbal and physical contact, such as touching different parts of the girl’s body, pinching, patting, pushing one's body against theirs, kissing; verbal attacks, such as: name-calling, publicly commenting on their appearance and behaviour, gossip, intimidation, humiliation, using words of a sexual or homophobic nature, and harassment and sexual violence: forcing to watch pornography, sexual assault, forced sex and rape.
How to empower girls
Positive self-esteem of girls grows and reaches its peak around the age of 9. However, after the age of 10, it begins to decline. It’s not surprising. This is a time at which society begins to insist on stereotypical “feminine” characteristics, while at the same time making it clear that what is masculine is better, more valuable, stronger and more important.
The influence of messages regarding social norms, which we receive from family, peers, neighbours and acquaintances, various institutions or the media, lasts throughout our lives but in childhood we are virtually defenceless in the face of these social pressures.
10 ways of promoting girls’ self-esteem and self-confidence
- Take the time to understand the girl’s current problems and needs. These problems may change. Talk to her about them, without judging, comparing and imposing your vision of femininity and how “it should be”. Let no topics, even difficult ones, become taboo.
- Focus on the girl’s intellect and skills. Suggest activities and classes in which she will learn new things, will have the opportunity to demonstrate courage and self-sufficiency, will be responsible for the whole and appreciated for the effort.
- Give her signals that you believe in her and that she’ll manage. The road to achieving a goal isn’t always easy and simple. It is filled with various challenges. Your support, but not doing their work for them, can be extremely helpful in maintaining motivation to carry on.
- Appreciate the successes and accompany calmly in failures. Teach the girl that difficulties and failures are part of learning and the way to success, and that it’s worth being persistent in carrying out your plan.
- Give the girl a choice and space to express her opinion. Let her voice and decisions be carefully heard and respected. Encourage the girl to share her views and knowledge, present her own perspective and come up with her own solutions. Ask for her opinions. Believe what she says.
- Don’t criticise girls or women for their appearance. And don’t talk about yourself and/or your body in an offensive way.
- Support, suggest and accompany the girl in various forms of physical activity. Teach her how to take care of her health and fitness. Don’t treat her body as a project, though.
- Encourage critical scrutiny of the patterns that culture offers girls and women. Talk about the consequences of following fashion as well as unhealthy, risky and destructive behaviours related to adapting to patterns.
- Help the girl understand what boundaries are, both physical and mental. Teach her how to create safe boundaries for herself, how to recognise and react assertively in the event of violations of boundaries, and seek help when she experiences harm. Convince her that safety and a life without violence are her rights. Be attentive and alert to all signs of sexual harassment – do not underestimate any signals, believe what the girl says, be on her side, act decisively.
- Show positive patterns. Offer girls books, films, meetings with women who are successful in various areas of life, including those that are considered stereotypically “masculine”. Give special support to the girl when her interests, activities or behaviour don’t fit into the traditional, socially expected gender patterns.
Whoever we are, we can support girls in their development, self-acceptance and confidence by providing them with a safe space and conditions for multilateral development, tools to understand the world and cope with different situations, and inspiring role models.