12 hours of foreplay

It is said that highly sensitive women experience a lot more orgasms in their lives than other people.

That’s true. But perhaps they do not so much have more orgasms, as researched, but rather a greater ability to have multiple orgasms and to experience any sexual act very intensely.

Why is that?

One of the main features of high sensitivity is a special responsiveness to the senses. From this comes the strong ability to experience deep ecstatic sensations during sex. But – as I describe in my book – highly sensitive women experience not only ecstasy in their sexual relationship with another person, but also in autoeroticism. Their masturbation can be a sublime, sophisticated and deep experience. And it’s not about being more open to gadgets or sex toys.

What is it about, then?

More imagination, long fantasies. All of this was investigated by a team of psychologists supervised by Dr Elaine Aron who discovered the trait. Many years of her observations show that highly sensitive women tend to escape into a world of dreams, have a rich imagination, create very extensive scenarios for their fantasies – at first childhood, which with age often turn into extensive fantasies about their lives, careers, other people and, of course, erotic life. The imagination of highly sensitive women is limitless.

What proves that someone is a highly sensitive person?

There are several things that make up this trait, first of all sensitivity to sensory stimuli – a highly sensitive person perceives signals coming from all the senses in turn more strongly. Smell, hearing, touch, taste are more intense, stronger. This is one thing. Secondly, a highly sensitive person becomes deeply involved in other people’s situations, which manifests itself in greater empathy, openness, and awareness of harm. People with high sensitivity carefully observe the environment, sometimes see more, usually have the ability to catch micro-gestures, subtexts, nuances in behaviour that often escape less sensitive people. It is said that such people have better intuition than others, higher emotional intelligence, as well as the ability to analyse their own experiences, understand their own feelings. A highly sensitive person in the company of other people analyses a lot of information very quickly, processes small signals in detail. I am often asked how people deal with the problem of high sensitivity, so I want to make it clear: this is not a problem, not a dysfunction or a disorder. High sensitivity is not a disease. It’s a personality trait, it also results from a slightly different functioning of the brain and nervous system. These people very often hear that they “feel too much”, experience too much, are hysterical, dramatise, exaggerate, think about one issue for several days. That’s just the way they are – they don’t feel “too much”, they just feel more intensely. However, the term “too much” appears frequently in their personal narratives.

You say that highly sensitive people experience the world more intensely. Does this mean that they also enter into sexual relations more deeply?

Yes. Sex for highly sensitive people is a highly emotionally engaging experience, for some even mystical. This is sex which is rather far from mechanical intercourse, which not only serves to satisfy their sex drive – in highly sensitive men as well – it usually has a very emotional dimension. This is not random sex, highly sensitive people do not prefer such intercourse.

So it’s not gonna be quick toilet sex.

Oh no, no quick satisfaction of needs. Desire in such people appears gradually, usually in a responsive way, that is, only when they experience arousal, stimulation, a long, stimulating foreplay. Sometimes such foreplay starts at 8 am and ends only in the evening.

What could such foreplay look like? It’s hard to imagine 12 hours of foreplay.

It can start when your partner, leaving in the morning, says, “I want you, I’ll be thinking about you today.” Throughout the day, a highly sensitive person will build up tension around what they have heard and read in text messages from their partner during the day. They will imagine it. They can exchange messages and photos with their partner during the day. It all evolves towards evening sex. Highly sensitive people love when desire is built up, when everything happens step by step. Generally, most women prefer it.

Let’s say that a partner sends a highly sensitive woman such a signal in the morning, she creates fantasies around it all day, thinks about it, waits for the evening...

And throughout the day, the sexual tension grows within her. A highly sensitive woman is very open, she likes to create an atmosphere of closeness, intimacy, she is emotionally involved in the relationship with her partner because highly sensitive people are demisexual in general.

Meaning?

They find it difficult to relate to people with whom they have no emotional connection. They hardly ever get sexual satisfaction with strangers. A bond is needed to get satisfaction from sex, to give yourself completely. And highly sensitive women derive enormous sexual satisfaction from a successful intercourse. Dr Elaine Aron often mentions in her essays that highly sensitive women are considered great lovers. They experience ecstasy more intensely, and at the same time are open to the other person, attentive, empathetic. They listen to the needs of their partner, they look at the reactions of the other person’s body. They quickly learn about their partner, their needs, sensitive places and preferences.

But the fact that we are very sensitive to stimuli can also make it very difficult.

Can you give me a few examples?

For example, more stimulation can be painful. It is said that BDSM sex is too stimulating for highly sensitive people due to the strong sensitivity to touch. That’s why this rough, high-speed sex may not be enjoyable. A highly sensitive person has a low threshold for pain, so practices such as hair-pulling or wrist-holding will be more painful.

Do highly sensitive people like slow sex?

You could put it this way, but I beware of such quantifiers that all highly sensitive people like only vanilla or slow sex because there are also highly sensitive people who prefer BDSM. It’s just that then an internal struggle between preference and what their body allows them to do takes place. Therefore, when it comes to BDSM, it is more in the form of role-playing and domination/submission in a psychological context, rather than causing physical pain.

What else is important in sex for highly sensitive people?

The atmosphere, relaxation, the possibility of focusing attention on the partner. Sex in the bathroom, when guests are sitting behind the wall or children are playing, is not an option because it is too strong a distraction. The number of distractions should be minimised to make it work.

But guests or children behind the wall are not the only distractions. It can also be distracting when we have too many stimuli at once.

Too many stimuli during sex, what do you mean?

Imagine a woman whose husband prepares a romantic atmosphere for sex and lights up various scented candles, incense sticks, turns on romantic music, sprinkles rose petals, and also serves edible ink to massage himself sexually with it. A highly sensitive partner may feel overwhelmed by all of this. Because yes, it’s beautiful, but at the same time it’s all too intense for her to focus on sex. Sensitive girls who told me about their sexual experiences said they felt best in a minimalist setting with little extra stimulation. If a partner decides, for example, on this edible ink, he should give up on the rest. No extra music, no candles in different scents that make your head pop. Just as it is difficult for a highly sensitive person to write a longer e-mail at work and focus when they have a lot of distractions around: radio music, noise, it is the same with sex – it is difficult to concentrate when there are so many distractions around us.

You write in your book that highly sensitive women are extremely sensitive to sensory stimuli.

Which means that even gentle touch can cause an avalanche of emotions in them. It is good if a highly sensitive person, by creating satisfying sexual relations, gets to know themselves, their own body in terms of sensitivity to stimulation. It’s good when they know what suits them and what is definitely not for them. Because if they don’t know this, and they follow what their friends like, they may be disappointed. Some women told me that their friends told them that, for example, biting nipples was so cool. But for a highly sensitive person, this probably won’t work at all. And she may think there’s something wrong with her because this hurts her, because she doesn’t like what others do. That is why it is good to know your erogenous zones, your level of pain sensitivity, set limits and not feel guilty when you prefer delicacy. Many times I have heard from highly sensitive women that, for example, vibrators are not for them because they are too big, too loud. It is good to adjust the toy to your sensitivity, to your abilities. Today, we have various types of gadgets on the market and highly sensitive people can also find something for themselves, e.g. delicate clitoral sucking womanisers with different degrees of stimulation. Some of them can also be very pleasant for people who are extremely sensitive to stimuli. It’s worth testing.

What may disturb such a person during intercourse?

Even small things, such as sheets that are unpleasant to the touch or rough, but also too intense perfumes, an unpleasant smell. Even music can be irritating – when it’s too sentimental, it can make a highly sensitive person sit up in bed, think of something and make it difficult to return to a pleasant atmosphere. Unfortunately, such persons can be thrown off the game quite easily.

I must admit that partners of highly sensitive people do not have an easy task.

It is not easy for people to understand each other’s sexual needs in general. That is why we have to talk, say what we don’t like, what is too much or too little. Highly sensitive people also have a hard time understanding the needs of low sensitive people – that they, for example, would like to have sex here and now without any foreplay. Many women find that when they don’t feel like having spontaneous sex, they are called cold, frigid.

People often do not understand each other’s sexual reactions, read each other poorly. Most of us assume that everyone should have a libido like us. If a partner has a lower one, they are accused of coldness, and people with a high libido are considered sex-crazed.

This attitude raises a lot of conflicts.

Of course, especially if there is a lot of grievance in the area of sex, and not enough honest talk about your needs. If a highly sensitive partner would like, for example, longer foreplay, it would be worthwhile for them to talk about it, and not be irritated by the fact that the other person prefers a shorter start. It’s good when a couple takes pleasure in learning each other’s sexuality. As you know, sex is easier to have than to talk about. I always encourage my patients to say what they need directly if they feel at ease in a relationship, not to assume that someone will guess or simply know it. It is not so much a question of high sensitivity but rather of a certain openness in a relationship. If I know what gives me pleasure and can guide my partner to it, it is beneficial for both of us. It’s not just the attitude of a highly sensitive person that’s important, but also the attitude of their partner.

Let me return to the example with candles: a man prepares a love scenery as if from a film, sets up candles, prepares dinner, turns on music, takes out new gadgets from the box to play with. She says, “It’s too much for me, I have a headache from these stimuli, I don’t want sex now, I’m overwhelmed.” He may feel frustrated then, because he tried, because he created the atmosphere, he had already set himself up, he had turned on the imagination, and nothing happened. They both stand in the middle of the bedroom frustrated and discouraged. If they don’t know how to listen to each other and give each other supportive messages, this can end up in a big row. In general, people who do not understand highly sensitive partners often feel rejected by them, also in sex. They think: she doesn’t really want to cuddle with me, I’m what’s disturbing her, not the candles. If someone has low self-esteem, they may take this behaviour very personally, especially the need for isolation. And problems appear then.

And then what?

If a partner is aware of this feature of hers, she knows that she is disturbed by incense sticks, they upset her because she is a highly sensitive person, then she should say something about it. Those people who know the concept of high sensitivity can provide their relatives with a kind of psychoeducation, that is, explain how their trait influences the perception of reality. It is worse when we are not aware that we are highly sensitive. Then we feel that we do not live up to expectations, that we are hysterical, exaggerate, something is wrong with us, since we are not able to get close and appreciate the romantic scenery. Often, the result is a breakdown in the relationship, moving away from each other, because no one is completely happy and satisfied. If we have certain communication conflicts when it comes to issues in bed, I encourage you to try to imagine how the other person feels, step into their shoes, look at the situation from their point of view, this will broaden our perspective. Because on the one hand, it is important to set boundaries in sex for your loved one, but on the other – remember that we are all very sensitive to criticism in the area of sexuality. If we tell someone that something does not suit us, we should do so delicately – criticising the smell of the candles is not a problem, but how do we say that, for example, our partner’s bad breath is unacceptable?

And how do we tell our partner that they aren’t very hygienic today? How do we do this so that the other person does not feel humiliated, rejected and ashamed?

Exactly. I am often visited by highly sensitive women who confess, “I can’t do this, I can’t tell him that.” A while back, I had a case of someone who was contemplating breaking up, so ashamed of telling her partner that his genital smell was bad for her. She chose to break up rather than telling him.

Most of us have huge problems with assertiveness. Nobody teaches us good, sensitive communication. Either we formulate messages with a hint of aggression so that we have to apologise a thousand times, or we bottle everything up and grit our teeth. It’s good to say that something does not suit us, but gently, with care for the other person. It’s better not to assume that your partner should know everything. Repeat up to two hundred times, “It has nothing to do with you, you are super attractive, cute, I like you very much, the smell is difficult for me, not you as a man.” Criticism, when expressed with care, empathy, and affection, builds the relationship rather than ruining it.

What about after sex? You write in your book that for a highly sensitive woman, sex can be emotionally draining. What do they need afterwards – hugs, touches?

This is sometimes the case, but it is often the opposite – a highly sensitive person needs calmness, destimulation, and therefore not touching her skin, she may need to step back a little, be alone for a while, may not want to be hugged, stroked, hear affectionate words. And it is worth a partner trying to accept that, understanding that this is how strong stimulation affects highly sensitive people, that you need to cool down. But some are outraged, “How can you just get up and leave? Are you turning away from me?”

Highly sensitive women react differently after sex. I have heard stories from girls that, for example, they cry, get emotional, take it hard. I think that the problem with the sexual sphere is not that people do not understand the trait of high sensitivity. The problem is that people can’t talk about sex. We, as a society, still lack basic information on sexuality. We should take care of it, even on your own. Read, watch, talk, be interested in the topic and overcome resistance in talking about your expectations and doubts.

How are highly sensitive people supposed to care for their sexuality?

I am a supporter of sex-care, that is, including the aspect of our sexuality, our bodies, in taking care of ourselves.

What is sex-care?

It’s being mindful of your body and accepting your sexuality as it is at a given moment. Sex-care is an important element of self-care, i.e. general care for one’s psychophysical well-being. Regardless of whether we are single or in relationships, whether we are 30 or 60. Our sex life is there all the time, no matter what condition we are in. Reluctance towards or consciously giving up sex, not feeling desire and accepting this state of affairs is also sex-care – because it is concern for feeling good about your own sexuality and responding adequately to your needs. Taking care of your sexuality means remembering your vagina when washing, bathing, and choosing comfortable underwear for yourself. Sex-care is also mindfulness and exploring your own needs. Understanding what gives us pleasure, what stimulates us the most. And yet we can practice different ways and techniques of masturbation, different ways of reaching orgasm. This mindfulness and sensitive treatment of one’s sexuality strengthens the sense of self-confidence and can be a remedy for the stereotypical belief that only sexually promiscuous people are interested in sex. It’s hard to talk about self-care without caring about your sexuality. This doesn’t just apply to highly sensitive people. It applies to all of us.

 

Katarzyna Kucewicz – psychologist, sexologist and educator. She runs the “Inner Garden” Psychotherapy and Coaching Centre in Warsaw. She belongs to the Polish Federation of Psychotherapy. Author of three guides, including the book “Kobiety, które czują za bardzo” [“Women Who Feel Too Much”] (Rebis, 2021). She runs the instagram profile @psycholog_na_insta where she shares her psychological knowledge on a daily basis

Author: Monika Tutak-Goll

The text was published in „Wysokie Obcasy” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” 24 April 2021