After the divorce, I called myself an independent mother. Because “lonely” (single) sounds like sad and abandoned

When it comes to defining my parental and personal status, I always hesitate for a moment. Two words churn in my throat: “lonely” (single) and “independent”. I would like to call myself a “single mum” and this is my status on social media. And if French were a bit more popular with us, I would love to call myself “maman solo”, which is adequate and sounds beautiful, like almost everything does in French.

Unfortunately, I have to choose between being a lonely (single) and independent mother, so I keep hesitating and straddling.

There was a time after my divorce that I gladly called myself an independent mother. “Lonely” seemed to be a word with too many gloomy connotations. “Lonely” is probably abandoned by her husband, although more and more women leave their partners and consciously decide to be single parents. “Lonely” is probably also sad, because we, Poles, consider being alone a punishment, while Swedes, for example – as Katarzyna Tubylewicz writes very well in her book “Lonely as a Swede” – somehow do not completely despair of being alone with themselves. Someone feels sorry for me when I go alone on vacation, when it is a long-awaited time for me, a wonderful piece of the holiday cake. Finally, a “lonely (single) mother” is most likely a mother overwhelmed by her motherhood, which is an assumption that is so bizarre that everyone who reads any research knows that almost every Polish mother is overwhelmed by motherhood, because the data has somehow remained unchanged for years, and although men have figured it out already that you should declare partnership in the polls, they still do not really start washing children’s pants, going to parent-school meetings, doing homework and sewing costumes for fancy dress balls in kindergarten. I would even say that non-single mothers, i.e. those living in relationships with the fathers of their children, are often more overwhelmed than the lonely ones, because the father of their child is also a child and you also need to wash large pants, remember to pay the bills and make him chops or falafels.

As for the degree of my feeling of being overwhelmed, it is slight, because I am lucky that motherhood is in a large part my passion, that I enjoy it more than I complain about it, and that children give me more energy than they take it away from me, which of course doesn’t mean I don’t feel tired. I do, but after another busy day I fall overwhelmed by fatigue that is closer to a good party than to forced labour in the mines. I’m not a sad mother, so I’m not “lonely” here either.

So for some time I called myself an “independent mother” with the stubbornness of a maniac, but it quickly started to bother me too. Because an independent mother is one that can cope on her own. And yes, I can cope on my own, and that’s good, but since I say that I am independent, there is a declaration in it that makes me feel obliged not to ask for help. And a mother who is raising her children herself has to ask for help, otherwise she will be stuck like in the haberdashery inventory. The word “independent” may drive the mother into big trouble. Without help, a network of good people, family, friends and neighbours, a single mum has a hard time. Oh, this is a situation from less than two months ago: I wake up at dawn on Sunday with a lot of pain. The children are happily staying with their dad, so I have a luxury that I can simply go to a hospital emergency ward without organising care for them first. But it turns out that the matter is more serious and I can barely walk for a few days. And here we have to take Stasiek to school, and Lusia to kindergarten. Let’s agree that whatever parenting ninja I may be, I am not independent at that moment. Here are my best regards to my friends who took my children to institutions with their own children.

You will say that a hospital stay is an unusual and rare situation. Yes, but believe me, there are more of these. If Lusia has a cold and has to stay at home, and Stach needs to be taken to school, I am not independent again.

I will share with you a rather intimate situation that shows well why a mother, even a hero, is sometimes more lonely than independent. It is late in the evening, the kids are asleep, and I just got my period and I realise that I don’t even have half a pad or a tampon at home. In the rush of things, I forgot to stock up, it simply escaped me as many other things that are not written down right after you think about them. At this moment, when in the morning you have to go to school and kindergarten on your period and with the children, the mother is really alone.

By the way: thank the goddess for my female neighbours!

Due to all these dilemmas, today I call myself either “lonely” (single) or “independent”, depending on who I am talking to, what and how I feel. However, I am leaning more towards the term “lonely”, because in my opinion single motherhood is a political matter. The 2011 census showed that already a quarter of all households in Poland are houses run by one parent, usually by mothers. If something concerns such a large number of people, it deserves a separate, rational and thoughtful policy. Meanwhile, in Poland, a solo mother is left to her own devices as much as you can imagine. We have embarrassing standards when it comes to the amount of maintenance, especially in smaller towns, not to mention collection. Outside large cities, kindergartens and school clubs are open at such times that a full-time mother runs to pick up the children with her tongue hanging out, often having to get off work, bearing the boss’s threatening grunts. There is no financial or logistical support system. On this level, a Polish mother is absolutely lonely and I believe that I should emphasise it not only on my own behalf, but on behalf of mothers who raise their children alone and have a far less comfortable life situation than I do.

I am looking forward to the results of this year’s census. And then to a sensible homestead policy with only one adult on board. Then I would be happy to be an independent mother.

Author: Natalia Waloch

The text was published on wysokie obcasy.pl on 7th August 2021