Borys Szyc, father of eighteen-month-old Henryk: I’ve been given an extraordinary moment, I don’t have any distractions
A month and a half of national quarantine has passed. Children do not go to schools and kindergartens, many parents work remotely or do not work at all. We are consumed by emotions, fear for our health and the health of our loved ones, questions about the coming crisis. We will not return to the old world after the epidemic is over. We will have to rebuild it. And it is best to make changes in our own homes first.
A revolution
Katarzyna from Katowice works for an energy provider, she has an eleven-year-old son and a nine-year-old daughter.
“Before the outbreak, I worked in the office until 3:00 p.m., then went home, did shopping on my way, and warmed up a dinner prepared the day before for my family. While the kids were doing their homework, I would tidy up and cook for the next day. My husband would usually sit at his computer or browse through some business papers. At the beginning, when I switched to remote work and the kids switched to classes online, it was horrible. I tried to focus on work but was constantly interrupted by the kids who needed help with their schoolwork. Instead of finishing work at 3:00 p.m., I had to catch up in the afternoons. As I couldn’t shop on my way home from work any more because I was staying at home, I had to go out specifically to do shopping. The whole schedule developed over the years has fallen apart.
Finally, I called a family meeting and said that the world had changed, so we also needed a revolution at home. I explained to my husband that now that he goes to work every day and I don’t, it would be natural for him to assume the responsibility for the daily shopping. The children were told that if they need my help in remote classes, they have to help me with housework. My son sweeps and mops the floor and my daughter dusts the furniture and waters the plants. They both try to keep their rooms tidy. Now that I’m done with work, I have the time to help them do their homework. Then we cook dinner for the next day together. I can see that the kids have become more independent. My husband also often gets involved in cooking together and we have fun doing it. He realised as well that if he doesn’t buy something, we won’t have it in the house. He felt his responsibility. I believe that when the epidemic is over, our new habits will stay in place. I’m glad because if it wasn’t for the virus, I probably wouldn’t have made a domestic revolution on such a scale.”
I’ve never been this tired
Henryk was born on 21 March, by which time Poles had been locked in their homes for over a week due to the coronavirus. His father, actor Borys Szyc, boasted about his happiness on Instagram. He says that his life has changed radically.
“Everything’s been subordinated to the baby and since I don’t have any distractions from the outside, I can be completely devoted to Henryk. My wife and I share all the responsibilities except for feeding, which is a magical moment between her and her son only, although of course exhausting for Justyna due to its frequency.
After these experiences, I will never again say that a woman “sits at home with a child”. What an offensive verb that is in these circumstances!
I haven’t been this tired in a long time. Of course, I would also like to have more freedom, if only to be able to go for a walk without a mask, but I still feel that this time in my life is good.
Henryk has just turned a month old. Things change all the time and we improvise. We learn not to get used to a lot of things. So many plans have gone up in flames because of the epidemic and yet life goes on.
Turns out there’s nothing permanent in this world, only constant change. When I realised that, I began to better appreciate everything that is here and now.
The epidemic made me realise that I love my job because I miss it so much. But at the same time, I came to the conclusion that I’ve been putting too much on my plate lately. It’s been a while since I enjoyed my work because I was exhausted. I painted myself into a corner.
I feel like, if it wasn’t for the epidemic, I wouldn’t be able to be as present in my son and wife’s lives as I am now. I’ve been given an extraordinary moment to spend with them, but also with myself. And I think that’s what we most often run away from, because being with ourselves isn’t easy.
I have learned not to make big plans. I was supposed to be doing plays and going to Masuria with my family. It didn’t work out. What I want now are small things: being closer to nature and providing my son with intimacy.
I would also like to pass down to him what I have learnt – that it is important to be there for your loved ones, to live in the here and now.”
A slight shock
Marcin from Chorzów moved in with his girlfriend in February. Isolation during the pandemic for them means learning how to be together. And it takes some learning. “We had been planning to move in together for a year. We had been looking for the right apartment for a long time. We couldn’t wait to finally be together for real, not just hang out after work and part in the evenings like a couple of kids. We talked about waking up, preparing meals and watching films together. We didn’t expect that soon after our dream came true, we would be forced to be with each other 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We’ve both switched to remote work, which isn’t easy when you’re living in a studio flat. Sometimes one of us has to hide in the bathroom to make a call.
But fortunately, since we’ve only just moved in together, we haven’t fallen into the routine of dividing up household chores.
It’s not like someone is coming home from work earlier, so it becomes a rule that they always do the shopping or someone ponces around in the morning so it’s the other that has to take out the trash.
Since we both work from home, there’s no chance for such excuses. And that’s good because it’s easier for us to share our housework equally and work out fair solutions. We have our arguments because we both still have some habits from the recent past when we lived with our parents.
Sometimes I miss locking myself in a room and being alone. Now it’s impossible. As a couple, we have been thrown in at the deep end and we joke that quarantine will toughen up our relationship so much and allow us to get to know each other so well that we won’t be afraid of any emotional crises afterwards.”
We all clean
Anna Dereszowska, an actress, is spending the isolation at home with her 12-year-old daughter, 5-year-old son and her fiancé.
“Everything stopped unexpectedly, but it was a very necessary time. That’s why I’m not complaining that we’re staying home right now. Thanks to this, I’ve learned a lot about my family and its needs. Of course, I lose my patience sometimes. I guess that happens to everybody. But we can finally spend a lot of time together, wake up together and go to bed together.
It rarely happened before the outbreak because usually when I was acting in plays, I’d come home when the kids were asleep. Lena is almost 12 years old, so she has online lessons that are very well organised by her school. Both her and five-year-old Maks are active children, but luckily we have a garden, so we play outdoors a lot.
We jump on the trampoline, and ever since it’s been allowed, we’ve been riding bikes in the neighbourhood and taking walks in the nearby woods. We also have things to do at home: we do jigsaws, we play games, we sometimes watch TV shows, especially with Lena, most often “Friends”. Apart from that, I clean endlessly.
I discovered that my home was terribly unkempt. In the past, I tried not to notice it so I wouldn’t get upset. Now I’ve started a cleanup.
My fiancé, as soon as he leaves the guest room in which he has set up his office for remote work, also immediately gets involved in tidying up. We have rearranged the children’s rooms to make them more suitable for their needs. After all, Lena’s already a teenager and Max isn’t a baby any more.
For the first time in a while, I have time to cook. I’m not the best cook but I’m very happy when the household enjoys what I prepare. Recently, we baked biscuits together with the kids.
Maks has always been involved in household chores. Lena, although older, somehow avoided doing housework. Now that we’re all busy cleaning up, Lena’s been charged with cleaning up the upper floor. She vacuums and mops the floor and takes turns with me cleaning the toilets. I found it rather funny when I first asked her to clean the toilet and she didn’t know where to begin because she’d never done it before.
We’ve also discovered that we don’t need many of the things we used to do or buy. I think our everyday lives will never be the same again, and there’s nothing to regret. For example, in my fiancé’s company, after the epidemic is over, there will probably be a possibility of working remotely two or three days a week, so people won’t waste time on commuting and will have more time for their loved ones.”
On vacation separately
Przemysław Staroń, a psychologist, a teacher of ethics, philosophy and cultural studies in Bolesław Chrobry Secondary School of General Education no. 2 in Sopot and a Teacher of the Year 2018, was nominated for the Global Teacher Prize, i.e. the “Nobel Prize for Teachers”, on 23 March.
“Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I was working this hard. Eventually, the exhaustion led to the fact that I suffered from severe back pain due to constantly sitting in front of the computer, my throat hurt and digestive problems returned. The doctor told me to take sick leave immediately – not to do nothing, but to minimise the workload and get some rest.
I wasn’t reluctant. Already about a year and a half ago, as a result of a large number of stimuli, activities and intense work with people, I began to feel the need to spend time at home, with myself and with my partner more than before.
Three years ago, Jędrek and I bought a flat in Gdańsk, in the Przymorze district. It was the last free flat on the estate. No one wanted it because yes, it has a large, 130-metre garden, but it is above a garage hall. Others didn’t like it but it didn’t bother us so we took it. Now that the weather is nice, we can spend time in the garden, reading books.
My partner also finds himself well in the epidemic, but like me, he has a lot of work. In his spare time, he watches TV shows, but sometimes he really needs to get out of the house.
In the past, after a week of stress and hustle, we couldn’t wait for the weekend to spend some quality time together. We’re fine now too, but we feel like it’s not our choice. We sit together because we have no other choice. I once saw this meme with a caption that when it is all over, we will finally go on vacation. But each of us somewhere else. It’s a joke of course, but we do miss certain things that are important in a relationship, such as longing. But I don’t see it as an issue – we know that it’s natural and we have our ways of coping with it.
A couple of years ago, Jędrek and I went to couples’ therapy. We’re trying to build our relationship consciously and maturely. If you try to live a wise and good life every day, it is easier for you in a crisis.
We have no problems with the division of household duties. I feel like I haven’t done this much cleaning in a long time. When I’m locked at home, immobile, I feel like I’m going to burst. Yes, there are days when I have a lot of activities and I don’t want to do anything at home, but usually I can’t sit in one place: I clean, organise books, sort Lego heads and hairstyles and my innate ADHD is getting worse.
As a psychologist, that doesn’t surprise me at all. It’s a well-known mechanism for channelling tension. Cleaning helps relieve mental tension, because, first of all, it involves movement, and, second of all, it is a way of organising reality.
When we have an impaired sense of security, we often choose an activity that we repeat many times, because it gives us a sense of structure, peace, control.”
We are managing
Iwona Hartwich, elected by readers and a jury for the Superhero of “Wysokie Obcasy” a year ago, led a sit-in strike in the Parliament in spring 2018 with her son Jakub and a group of parents and their disabled children. She demanded more support from the state. Now she is an MP and her son Jakub has become a Toruń councillor.
“The biggest problem for us in the time of the epidemic is the fact that a rehabilitator does not come to Jakub, which is why, in addition to all the duties I have on a daily basis, I had to take on exercises with my son. My husband can’t help me with this because he commutes to work in Solec Kujawski every day so he comes home late. When he comes home from work, of course, he takes care of Jakub because we’ve always supported one another.
When I’m alone, I manage. I make sure Jakub goes out on the balcony regularly. We can’t go out because Jakub can’t breathe in a mask.
But it’s not just my son who needs more support from me. Disabled people and their relatives, who have been left to their own devices during the epidemic, are contacting my parliamentary office. Therefore, I write requests demanding that the state notices their challenges.
I am doing my best to help. My office manager and I are supporting four senior families. We shop for them regularly. I can’t sew masks, but for Easter I baked a cake for medics. Jakub and I chipped in and bought hand creams, mineral water, chocolate and coffee for one of the hospitals.
I still remember that when we protested for 40 days in Parliament, people helped us too.
A lot of people call me just to talk, to share their struggles with someone. I’m their confidant, their mental support. I try to calm my callers down and say that it will be all right.
Due to the outbreak, however, I spend more time at home than before, talking to my sons and my husband when he comes back from work. We have even started playing board games in the evenings. We feel that this situation is bringing us even closer together.
Author: Magdalena Warchala
Graphics: Marta Frej
The article was published in „Magazyn Świąteczny” of „Gazeta Wyborcza” from 9-10 May 2020
