Family is a lifetime deal

As a mediator, you argue that empathy is the key to getting along and establishing a balance in family relationships. What does it look like in practice?

As an example, in my office there is a couple going through a crisis. They talk to each other, and I translate their expressions into the language of feelings and needs. I pass the messages on in this form between the partners. Interestingly, after about an hour, both partners quickly learn this "new language" and start talking in it themselves.

What do you usually hear in your office?

Most of the time it is people blaming each other. Or one person blames themselves and the other person blames them too. Overall, we are in a circle of blame, categorisation and judgment. The woman says: “I have asked you so many times to help the kids with their homework! You do not get involved in our family at all.”

If I have spoken to her before, I know that she has feelings such as discouragement, irritation, helplessness, fatigue and loneliness. And we come to the needs that follow from this: cooperation, support and rest. So by saying: "You do not get involved in our family at all," she means: "Help me and start doing homework with the kids. Preferably on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for an hour." The more specific the request, the more likely it is to be fulfilled.

When the husband hears such a request, he will understand it. He will open the calendar and say, "I can do Mondays and Fridays, but Wednesdays I can't." What about Tuesday?

That is possible, because if he hears: "Get more involved in our family," he does not know where to start and what form this should take.

If I understand correctly, you're saying that during mediation you first talk to one person, then to the other, and then to both.

That is the best way. If I do not show them empathy, there will be nothing but regret and irritation. First you have to let it all out, and not in solitude. There should be at least one person who will listen to us with understanding and without judgement. Then relief occurs and a space is created to talk about needs.

I would call it a method of mutual understanding of feelings and needs, with a greater emphasis on needs. And respecting them. It is important to be empathetic not only to the person we're talking to, but also to ourselves. If we do not show empathy towards ourselves, we will not be able to show it to the other person.

How would you describe empathy towards yourself?

As an attempt to stop judging yourself. Instead of thinking: "I am horrible because I was mad at him," I try to figure out why I was mad. Maybe someone is overstepping my boundaries? Empathy is explaining to myself how I feel, and the need behind it. What I feel is fine, and it is even a signpost that shows me what I need.

How do you translate the language of empathy into family relationships? In such a way as to strive for balance, not domination.

Here we come to the concept of deep democracy, to which we can invite children, even small ones. Obviously, I'm not persuading anyone to the democracy of children. I'm very much in favour of adults having the final say in the house. However, at the same time always taking into account the opinions of the children. By asking them and talking to them.

So, if we ask the children: “Where are we going on holiday – to the mountains or to the sea” and they answer – “to the sea”, is that where we are going?

No, we can still decide to go to the mountains. However, we must explain to them why we want to go there in particular. "It is not comfortable for us not to be able to go where we want to go, but we are choosing the mountains because..." We do not have to explain ourselves very much, but it is worth showing that we make decisions that take into account different opinions and criteria.

And the children will not feel disappointed about such a turn of events? They wanted to go to the sea after all.

They feel that we are taking their opinion into consideration, that they are important to us, but it is us adults who make the final decision. Children are comfortable with determined, strong parents. Parents who have the power to carry out their will.

So the kids do not care about standing up for themselves, they care more about being heard?

Yes! Above all, children want to feel safe, and a determined parent gives them that feeling.

So we have empathy and deep democracy. Will these methods also work in patchwork families, where each member comes with their own baggage of rules and experiences?

Absolutely. I created such a family of my own a few years ago with a man who has two daughters. I have a son who is the oldest of the three. When we moved in together, all our differences, our habits fell literally on our heads. It turned out that it was me who was the person responsible for taking care of various matters and at first I did not like this role at all. I needed to understand my needs. Then I had to find out how to deal with my husband and his children. The children also had to find out how to deal with each other. We should also consider our former partners, with whom the children also live. There, they also develop various patterns and habits.

Well, we can start with a small but quite important thing, sweets. The children of one parent can eat them every day and the children of the other only at weekends. Then what?

My husband and I felt the same way about this – sweets must be reduced. But we interpreted the rules differently. For example, my husband comes home with the girls from work and says they have just been out for ice cream. My son is surprised, and he says, "How come?" and he says, "I want ice cream, too". We did not talk about it in front of the kids, but we talked about it in private a little bit later. It turns out my husband did not even think he was doing anything wrong, just taking his daughters out for ice cream from time to time. We were quick to agree: "Let's just leave it for now, and next time we will either all go for ice cream or nobody does".

When we wanted to make a decision about the children, we called each other and agreed on a strategy. There were a lot of these things, especially at the beginning. With small steps, we disarmed various traps and worked out new rules earlier. The first year was especially intense. How do you feel about this? How do I feel about that? Is this a good solution? Sometimes we could not figure out anything that worked for both of us, and we would drop the matter. We felt that there were so many things to catch up on, that if any subject seemed too difficult for us, we would just let it go. It would obviously come back to us, but we could look at it with a fresh outlook.

You say you asked each other: “How do you feel about this? How do I feel about that?” But not everyone can talk like that. For some people, going out with children spontaneously is not a problem.

That is how it was with us. I asked my husband if he saw the disappointed look on my son's face when the girls boasted about their ice cream. He did not see it, but he realised it might have made him feel sad. I also do not always realise that I offend the girls with something, only when my husband tells me about it.

Without judging, but with understanding.

Yeah, well, sometimes things were hard for me to understand, too. I used to take them for whims. The most important thing is that we all know we have good intentions in these conversations. No one is hurting anyone, and if they are, we just haven't realised something yet.

Do you think we should summarise these family arrangements clearly? Maybe write them down somewhere?

I am in favour of clear agreements, I even demand them [laughter]. Very often, when something happens, attention is distracted. We change the subject, and it may turn out that we meant the same thing, but I understood it differently, and my husband did too. So yes, it is worth saying out loud what we agree on, and even writing it down.

When can we talk about a balance in relationships in a patchwork family?

When everyone is able to get along with everyone else. When one feels important and listened to. A strong web is formed: the husband-wife line intersects with the wife-children of the husband, the husband-children of the wife, and the children with each other. It is complicated, yes, I know [laughs].

The difficult art of getting along is useful on holiday trips when several families decide to go on a trip together. Then it is also worth determining everything precisely. After all, there are different rules in every family, right?

I think the most important thing is to choose carefully who you are going on holiday with. Because a deal is a deal, and habits are habits. No matter how much we look for it, we will not find the same family. Therefore, if we decide to go on holiday with someone, it is worth determining what we care about. And it is not about a list of our conditions that someone should meet. Maybe it is better to focus on two or three of the most important things for us and let go of the rest. After all, it's a holiday. Just say: "Listen, it is important to us that the kids are in bed before 22:00, otherwise the next day they will be cranky and tired. And we don't overdo it with the ice cream."

I don't know if I would put a lot of energy and emotion into these arrangements. They will only really last for a week or two at most.

And family is a lifetime deal.

Anna Woźniak talks to Beata Blizińska, mediator.

Graphics: Marta Frej

The interview was published in "Magazyn Świąteczny” of "Gazeta Wyborcza” from 13 June 2020