Fine words make fine birds. Why are we so afraid of public speaking?

Public speaking includes speeches given in front of a very large audience and those in front of a very small group. Which are we more afraid of?

Urszula Kuleta: Sometimes, in spite of appearances, the intimate ones are even more important, from the point of view of the biography of the person performing, than a speech in front of an auditorium consisting of hundreds of people. Which makes it more stressful. For example, when a lucrative contract is being concluded and whether we close the deal depends on the way we present the project. Another example of non-obvious speeches are public appearances in our everyday life – for example during a parent-teacher meeting or housing community meeting. We should be aware that public speaking happens more often than we think. That is, in situations where we have to show ourselves, talk about something in public, focusing the attention of various audiences, and sometimes also convince them of something. So every speech we give is a self-presentation.

Intuitively, we know what it’s about. But what exactly is this self-presentation?

I really like the definition of psychologist Elliot Aronson, who says that self-presentation is an attempt to communicate through speech, non-verbal behaviour and actions who we are or who we would like to be thought of as by others. Note that he says ‘attempt’.

That is, we may fail. Do you think that’s why we’re so stressed out about this?

Every public appearance, even the seemingly insignificant one, can make us terribly stressed. Because you may find out how much depends on it. And there’s a lot depending on it, because our self-presentation affects our reputation, that is the opinion people around us have of us. Reputation can be good or bad, and sometimes we talk about a dubious reputation. An improper, sometimes simply ill-considered, self-presentation can ruin our reputation and even lead to us losing it.

And then we have a problem, because reputation determines our place in the ranks, determines our good name. Through self-presentation, we create and convey an image of ourselves. And this image, in turn, determines our social rank, often shapes our future – both in private and professional life. This practically means that if I can present myself properly, if I have an effective self-presentation, an interview will end with an offer of my dream job, while presenting a project, I can be a more effective speaker, I can gain people’s liking.

Fine feathers make fine birds?

And after more than twenty years of professional experience, I will add my own version: ‘Fine words make fine birds’. Creating this image can prove to be one hell of a challenge. Because note that this involves a bit of bending of reality to our purpose. That is, how we want people to see us. But what we want is one thing, and what people perceive is quite another. This image is created on the basis of features which are noticed, registered by the recipient, but which are sometimes unreal. When talking about self-presentation, we touch upon a complex matter: our vocabulary, communication style, appearance, personal culture, experiences, knowledge, education, voice, body language. So people can see us and hear us. Quite a lot, isn’t it?

And we also want to show that we are brave and strong, but all the audience can see is the speaker sweating with fear?

This is the dissonance between what we want to present and what the recipient sees. This happens when we are unprepared to meet our audience, and yet we are standing in front of them knowing that we are being judged. You cannot assume that you will ‘manage somehow’. Such speakers are ignorant.

They may face criticism.

True. Take physical appearance, for example. Everyone can see that our sleeves are too long, the jacket hasn’t been ironed or the scarf doesn’t match the colour of the dress, we slouch, wave our arms or shuffle our feet, we don’t make eye contact, etc. This is why you need to prepare yourself for a speech in the best possible way, not only in terms of content. There are a lot of these elements, but we can take care of most of them in advance to put our best foot forward.

Do we have problems with self-presentation?

A lot. I constantly observe the scale of this ignorance and the high level of stress associated with the speeches when I prepare people for various forms of contact with the recipient. Sometimes it’s an important conversation, sometimes participating in a discussion, sometimes a conference, a PhD defence, etc. We present ourselves everywhere, not to mention on a date.

Who’s doing better at self-presentation – men or women? Or perhaps gender doesn’t matter here?

Both men and women have problems with it. But there are certain characteristics, somewhat attributed to gender, associated with, for example, body language or language in general. Do you know who finds it easier to move on stage in front of a large audience?

Probably men, because women are more concerned about their appearance.

Exactly. When I work with a man, he asks specific questions: ‘Should I keep my hand in my pocket?’, ‘Should I take the microphone in my hand or leave it on the tripod?’. He takes the bull by the horns. Women check whether the jacket fits well, or if there’s a ladder in their tights. They want to be perfect. It makes them stiff, makes them feel intimidated.

What if there actually is a ladder?

It adds to the stress and can even lead to us messing up the speech. Even though we’re the only ones who can see that there’s something wrong with the stocking.

I take it your advice is to take care of yourself before the appearance?

It is worth going to the hairdresser, preparing an outfit which is appropriate and adequate for the occasion, in which we feel comfortable. And there should always be an extra pair of tights or stockings in your purse! It pays off to make an effort to feel attractive.

Is it easier for men to take over space?

Their gestures are definitely sharper. Their movements are more sweeping and thus draw attention. Male gesticulation often says: ‘Look at me’. A man’s gesture is usually offensive. And women’s gestures are much more restrained, I would call them defensive. If they appear at all. I urge women to use gestures during their presentations. It’s useful to both women and men.

Why is it so important?

It’s called coherence, that is the consistency of the non-verbal message with the presented text, or content. The body and verbal content then speak with one voice, and this in turn builds the credibility of the message and the speaker. Through skilful gestures, we can effectively emphasise and strengthen the importance of our words. Women smile more during presentations. It’s great because that’s how they build a relationship with their audience. They do this even when they know they are being judged and are under stress. It’s also noticeable that women make eye contact much more often and are much bolder at it. During public speaking, I consider this competence to be a kind of feminine heroism. Despite the stressful situation, we’re able to make nice gestures that build a relationship with our audience. It’s the men who I admonish much more often to look at the people they’re talking to so that they don’t have a grave face.

So the man is more focused on himself and the woman is more focused on the audience?

These gender differences are evident. The man is focused on the goal and creating a good image. Paying attention to the room’s response is secondary. Colloquially, we would say that first he will concentrate on himself and secure the space on the stage, and only then will he notice that, for example, some listeners are sitting with their noses in their phones. For the woman it’s the other way around – she observes the reactions of the audience more often. She will notice the listener who is interested in her speech, and this is always a boost to the speaker, it helps. On the other hand, the distraction of the audience certainly does not serve the speaker. And the woman will pick it up faster too.

This attention to others can help because we can make the message more dynamic, right?

If we observe responses, we can react, if necessary, to stimulate the interest of the audience. Research shows that after about seven minutes the level of interest of the audience drops. It is worth knowing this and, if the presentation lasts longer, use means that will stimulate attention. For example, you can tell an anecdote, move on stage differently, say something louder, ask a question. There is a whole range of such methods.

And are there any differences in the way we formulate our thoughts?

When it comes to language, I’ve noticed that women use relational language more often and care more about their listeners. They ask: ‘Do you understand?’, ‘Do you have any questions?’ or ‘Do you need a break?’. However, we, women, also tend – and this also sets us apart from men – to use terms that reduce the sharpness of the message: ‘somewhat’, ‘kind of’, ‘a little’, ‘perhaps’. And we say: ‘If you put a little bit of effort into it, the effects might be more visible’. We want to be gentle, careful. Sometimes too much so.

Does the voice matter too?

I would even say it’s strategic. And it is clear that men and women use their voices differently. Women speak more quietly and are thus perceived as less confident. Before the audience is convinced that this quiet mouse is a smart speaker, it may lose interest in what she’s saying. You need to start energetically, vigorously. And women often lack energy at the beginning, and sometimes even throughout the speech. I see a lot of room for improvement in this field. I attach great importance to my clients’ voices due to the musical experience in my education.

Men, even when they happen to present quieter, tend to have a higher volume of voice, which means they speak louder – in this way, even unconsciously, they show their courage and a kind of dominance, which comes in very handy during public speaking. There are also differences between men and women due to the use of vocal intonation. Intonation in speaking is a musical parameter. I call it a kind of speech music. The practical use of this parameter makes our speaking not boring, it captures attention, and we are more interesting speakers. And in this field, statistically, women are much better.

Who performs better in speeches – a woman or a man?

A well-prepared and brave male speaker or a well-prepared and brave female speaker. There are three most important things. Firstly – credibility and knowledge, when I manage to show that I know what I’m talking about, I’m the right person in the right place and my presence is justified by my competence, my biography, my achievements. Secondly – a certain kind of attractiveness, because people simply like to look at and listen to people who look good. Thirdly – the positive emotions we evoke. Simply put, people who are liked have it easier. All of these elements build the audience’s trust in us. And it all depends on us.

Is there anything that doesn’t depend on us?

In social interactions, we receive a lot of signals outside of our consciousness. And in the context of the credibility we talked about, I will refer to the result of a study. An American psychologist, Jonathan Freeman, and his team proved that a few seconds of facial exposure is enough to assess our credibility. A few seconds, can you imagine?

Are we satisfied with ourselves after the speeches?

Most often, much less than the audience. Social evaluation is usually more favourable for us than what we ourselves think of our own performance. That is why it’s worth listening to those who sat in the audience and confronting their opinion with your own. We are very afraid of this opinion, which is why the speeches stress us out so much. But the so-called constructive criticism can teach us something, inspire us. If the audience is content, we feel great satisfaction. It’s worse in the event of a failure, because then we will take a long time to figure out whether to take up another challenge. That is why I urge people to prepare responsibly. It reduces stage fright. And this advice applies to both sexes. It is worth realising what our strengths and weaknesses are – in order to work on those elements with which we have problems and skilfully use our natural predispositions. Also the ones related to our sex.

 

Urszula Kuleta, public speaking and effective communication trainer, owner of Actio-Mowa Publiczna.

Author: Agnieszka Urazińska

Photo: unsplash.com

The text was published on wysokie obcasy.pl on 5 February 2022