Frustrated men grow out of boys who don’t cry

Magdalena Warchala-Kopeć You deal academically with the issue of raising boys to be tough. Why?

Dawid Mędrala: Today we encounter a lot of models of parenting. There are a lot of tutorials, training courses on this topic. Parents are increasingly aware of how difficult it is to raise a child. But despite this, the model of raising boys based on suppressing emotions, or to put it colloquially: raising boys to be tough, is still popular. Parents communicate to their sons that they should not show affection because it is a sign of weakness. This model of parenting is actually expressed in one phrase that is passed down from generation to generation: ‘Boys Don’t Cry’. Notice how much bad content this one sentence conveys. If we tell a child: ‘Real men don’t cry’, we subconsciously build in him the belief that there is such a thing as a real man at all, and in opposition to him stands a false, incomplete man. Such a second-class man is – by implication – a man who cries. A boy who wants to be a real man develops the conviction that crying is something bad, embarrassing and socially unacceptable. He begins to be afraid and ashamed of his own emotions. At this point, parents’ vigilance becomes dormant. They succumb to the illusion that since there are no tears, there are no negative emotions either. They reason simply but erroneously that since the child does not cry, it means he is happy. And this is not true at all! Bad emotions do not disappear but are suppressed by the child. At first, the child only refrains from crying, but after a while, he will not want to talk to anyone about his emotions either. This in turn will make him unable to name and understand them on his own. And when we don’t understand something, we start to fear it, we treat it as a threat. Acknowledging your emotions, naming them, and talking them out in front of a loved one bring relief. Conversely, when people accumulate negative feelings, they experience increasing frustration. We subconsciously wait for the moment when we can shake off this burden. It usually happens very impulsively, often aggressively. The trigger can be a seemingly trivial situation: some insignificant word or gesture that spills the spell of bitterness. By exploding in company, a person may feel only momentary relief, but it is immediately followed by shame. Participants and witnesses of such an event look at its perpetrator critically, asking how he could behave in such a way. This reinforces his belief that showing emotions is really wrong. Thus, a person falls into a vicious cycle of perpetual frustration.

After all, this can lead to mental problems: neuroses, depression.

- Of course. First, however, there are problems in social relationships, which will manifest themselves at every stage of life: at school, at work, in relationships. Daniel Goleman, a well-known American psychologist, in his book ‘Emotional Intelligence’ points out that a person who suppresses emotions can become petulant, apathetic. They may avoid participating in social life because the people taking part in it are, after all, sharing their emotions and experiences. A person who suppresses emotions doesn’t want to hear about it and unnecessarily expose themselves to the emotions of others when they can’t handle their own feelings. Maintaining good interpersonal relationships is further hindered by the tendency of the person suppressing emotions to behave aggressively. The model tough guy responds to every threat with aggression, threats, even the use of force. When frustration grows in him so much that he cannot handle it on his own, he will pursue confrontational situations and provoke brawls. People who are taught to suppress their emotions also have problems in their relationships with their partners. Suppose a partner wants to do something that her partner doesn’t like. He can’t tell her that as a result of her actions he will feel bad, that it doesn’t suit him and that it will hurt him. As a result, he will feel angry, and he will express his negative emotions in non-verbal ways: by being spiteful, sabotaging her actions, and taking revenge for the annoyance his partner has unknowingly caused him. A man who was raised to be tough is also more likely to fall into addictions. Alcohol provides temporary pleasure, relief and a moment of forgetfulness. A person who cannot handle their emotions will strive for this state. If he tries alcohol and feels better after it, he will reach for it more and more often.

Parents think that by raising a tough guy, they are shaping a person who can handle life very well, but they are doing the opposite. They create an oversensitive person who can’t face problems.

- There used to be a demand for tough men because times were more difficult. Therefore, one cannot misjudge the parents of the time for raising their sons in this way. Take the early 20th century and the two world wars as an example. Men were there to fight, to defend their country. In even earlier times, men themselves defended their homes from assaults, robberies. Now, however, the world has changed. We have international organisations that guarantee peace in our part of the world. There is no threat of war within the European Union. That’s why we don’t need warriors any more. Family safety is not provided by wielding a gun in your hand. A man should provide mental security to his loved ones by being supportive, empathetic, listening to them in a difficult situation. If he doesn’t and tells the child: ‘Be a man, fend for yourself’, he will replicate the bad parenting model passed from generation to generation. Our grandfathers and fathers were raised with a firm hand because those were the times. In raising their children, that is us, many have passed on inappropriate role models to them, even unknowingly. And many of us pass them on to our children.

This is evident even in the toys we buy. Girls get dolls to learn care and empathy, and boys get military toys.

- Some parents even pay a lot of attention to the colour of the toys. In this way, they communicate to the child that playing with certain toys is a bad thing. When such a boy later meets a friend in kindergarten or on the playground who will be playing with a doll or, for example, a pink car, he will immediately look at him critically, perhaps even laugh at him.

In my opinion, it also builds contempt in boys for girls. The statement: ‘You act like a woman’ means: ‘You act like a wimp, like a weakling’.

- Such a statement is meant to be an insult, to hurt and shame the child. This is dividing children by gender, pushing them into stereotypes. Not surprisingly, a boy who hears such things will not respect girls, and in adulthood he may not respect his partner or female colleagues either.

But after all, empathetic men are also disparagingly said to be effeminate.

- I have encountered such opinions. However, such men are psychologically stronger than people think. They manage their emotions and can talk about them. And when someone perceives them one way or another? That’s their problem now.

How do you help boys or men raised to be tough break out of this vicious circle?

- This is not an easy task. This is especially true for adult men who have not expressed emotion all their lives. Having their environment realise that it’s not their fault that they were raised this way is an important first step to change. Patience in attempting to talk, gently asking questions will be necessary. At first, the man will certainly not want to answer them. At some point, however, we may be able to get to the point when that man opens up to us. A close person of this man should be armed with layers of empathy, attentiveness to what he non-verbally communicates. And she should notice that something is bothering him, upsetting him, and try to figure out what might be causing it. And then tell him that his feelings are natural, that in a given situation she too would feel bad. Maybe then this man will gradually begin to accept the emotions he is hiding and stop being afraid of them. Men themselves who notice their powerlessness in this area should perhaps think about seeking help, including from a therapist. In this day and age, it is precisely this kind of help-seeking behaviour that distinguishes the true modern ‘tough guy’.

Author: Magdalena Warchala-Kopeć

Photo: unsplash.com

The text was published on wysokie obcasy.pl on 7 May 2022