Her orgasm speaks of me
Until recently, women took responsibility for men’s failures in sex: premature ejaculation and erection problems. Some men also eagerly used this “female virtue”, burdening their partner with sexual problems, saying, “I can’t get an erection because you are so frigid.” But the wind of change knocked on the bedroom door...
Looking from the perspective of my office (I warn you right away that I cannot talk about representativeness for the entire population), men say that they are internally obliged to satisfy their partner, and the culmination of this satisfaction is the female orgasm. If there is no orgasm, they will consider themselves ineffective. And these are the words they use to describe themselves when they come to the office, “I am ineffective.” They feel guilty about it.
They make a fundamental mistake in thinking about female sexuality.
The narrative that orgasm is always necessary for a woman to achieve full sexual satisfaction is a mistake. It is a cliché of the male way of experiencing sex in which orgasm is a guarantee of fulfilment. It does not have to be that way for a woman, although – of course – it is very desirable. This kind of sexual frustration, “she has no orgasm because of me,” appears in various forms, but most often in relationships that define themselves as partnerships, in which equality is a value. If we look deeper, this frustration may be due to a rather “unequal” myth: the male is the causative party, sexual competence and initiation of intercourse are on his side. In addition, there is the male identity, which – if you believe the conclusions from the report on the health of Poles “Sexual disorders in men – a picture of the problem through the eyes of men and women” – is literally based on sexual performance and physical activity. A measure of this power, a certificate of efficiency, is the fact that he can provide his partner with an orgasm. And what’s interesting – even when partners convince their men, “I felt good, I am fulfilled,” they... don’t believe them. I ask them, “Have you discussed this with your partner?” “Yes, she says she’s glad, she felt very good.” But since she hasn’t had an orgasm, he feels that this rules him out as a man, and she just says so in order not to hurt him.
It’s interesting: supposedly he is focused on the partner, but we keep talking about him as a man.
There is quite a narcissistic element to it. My partner’s orgasm actually speaks of me.
Can we just look at the average man who comes to you with such trouble? What do they have in common?
They are of different ages, the turning point is 55, most of my patients are those in the 30-40 age range. For me they are representatives of a completely new male narrative that speaks of sexuality in a more modern way. Until recently, male sexual problems were assessed in a special way or even ridiculed, it is reflected, inter alia, in in the word “impotent” – interestingly, it is almost completely out of use. There is a huge load of stigmatisation, ridicule, insult and contempt in this word. In such a social atmosphere, coming to the office was associated with a confrontation with this belief/problem. Because… “real men” have no problems with sex. Today it is relatively easier to say, “I have problems with getting an erection.” They were encouraged by a multitude of commercial and non-commercial campaigns – with the popularisation of erectile dysfunction drugs this issue is simply discussed. Everyone knows the quote: “The rod should be as hard as wood.” But despite this greater courage and openness, however, according to my observation, they choose to visit a male sexologist – it is more difficult to admit to sexual problems to a woman, even a specialist.
Can they name the trouble they are coming with?
Despite the fact that they are well-educated (we are talking generally about a group reporting to sexologists) in the field of sexual health, they know what they need, they are not always able to name their problem directly. It is not always a clear sexual problem (erectile dysfunction or ejaculation disorders), sometimes it is something deeper in their area of sexuality. I am often impressed: I listen to men who are very open to talking about their sexuality and looking for answers to questions that they probably would not have asked themselves a dozen or so years ago. In the past, it was enough for a man to be there and that gave him a privilege in the area of sexuality. Because he was setting its tone. Now he faces the named female energy. And the fact that he slowly begins to be an object: he is selected on the matrimonial market, judged according to its criteria, whether he wants it or not. This forces him to think more deeply about what his sexuality is. I see in these men a very strong focus on the subjectivity of their partners. And their mutual pleasure is treated as a superior value. They took the responsibility for pleasure off their partners, but they don’t quite believe women that they can feel good with them.
Do they treat sex as pleasure, as well-being, or is sex an indicator of their health?
All of the above. Remember that we live in a world that has huge demands on sex. Sex must always be there and must be good to the max. Higher, deeper, more, stronger. Under such conditions, finding a balance in the treatment of sex is very desirable. Pleasure and the resulting satisfaction become an important point of reference for both partners. It is not that there must always be a record erection, orgasm, desire, and this is the norm of full health. A measure of health is also the ability to deal with frustration in terms of sexuality – and we talk about that too. That I will not always have something, I do not have to try everything.
What kind of relationships do these men form? What do they say about their partners?
They are caring, they feel responsible for their partner. They speak with concern about their sex life. Although sometimes in the context of sexual performance I do observe a kind of male pride that can be embodied in an attitude: “I’m a great lover, I can satisfy any woman, none of them told me I did something wrong.” It is an instrumental treatment of sex that will make him rise to the rank of a virtuoso and have power over women. Then you view your partner’s orgasms as a measure your success, you treat them as a mirror. Men seem to treat their partner subjectively, but in fact she is more of a reviewer of their sexuality than the subject.
Let me return to the beginning of our conversation: why is it difficult for a man to understand that an orgasm, although wonderful, does not have to occur for a woman to feel satisfied and find the sexual encounter successful?
Each sex judges it with its own measure. In a man, the time from penetration to ejaculation matters. Note that even in research on sexuality, the most important thing is the duration of intercourse from the male perspective: from the moment of penis insertion into the vagina to ejaculation. Why not from the female perspective? Why not from the foreplay to a woman’s orgasm? Why should a man be the beginning and the end? As you can see, it’s hard to break this kind of thinking.
For a long time, sexology was built around the category of masculinity, because it was the man who was the carrier of sexuality, therefore masculinity was the measure of the experience of sexuality. Hence ejaculation and then female orgasm, or climax as a measure of sex satisfaction. Disregarding female sexual energy.
Are men surprised when they hear that orgasm is not necessary? They say: yes, I know, but it is still stronger than me?
They say so, and they often expect me to make this belief credible. That is why, as a specialist, I talk about models of sexuality and research which shows that, for example, in the circular model of the sexual reaction cycle proposed by Rosemary Basson, orgasm is not a necessary condition for the assessment of full sexual satisfaction. I talk about the various stages of this model and we discuss the sexual differences between men and women. I also ask, “Why do you assume that orgasm is a necessary condition for sexual satisfaction?” We look for what the source of this belief is. We discuss this issue at various levels, such as sexuality functions, and whether climax is the measure of success from their perspective.
So, at one extreme, we have men for whom their satisfaction is the most important thing and they care little about their partners. At the opposite extreme, there are those who strive for their partners to have an orgasm, and when they do not have one, it rebounds on their masculinity.
Sometimes they put so much effort into this “orgasm” and try it in different ways that the partner can really become fed up. They use technical tricks like “finding the button”. It is easy to get frustrated in this approach. It is important to sense the moment, mood, desires of the partner, empathy and relationality instead of using techniques borrowed from schools of seduction. First of all, we should listen to each other and trust our partner more. Sometimes she can have an orgasm through masturbation, oral sex, not necessarily penetration. And that will be fine too, and it really doesn’t mean that his penis is insufficient. The technique itself is not the measure of effectiveness. And there are different ways to have an orgasm.
How are women to skilfully use this new masculine attitude?
I think that the principles of mindfulness, self-awareness and presence during sex are universal and are a recipe for closeness, being together and intimacy.
Interview with Robert Kowalczyk, MD, PhD, a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist from the Splot Institute, by Krystyna Romanowska
The text was published in „Wolna Sobota” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 7 August 2021r..
