I cut up my T-shirts and put them in my underwear. Women who have always had enough money for pads don’t know what a privilege it is to have them

“Whenever I think about my first period, I immediately feel cold”, says Marta, 21 years old. “I was 11 at the time. I felt bad that day, my stomach hurt. There was blood on my underwear. There were no pads in the house, only thin panty liners, so I put two on at a time so they wouldn’t leak. But my underwear was dirty anyway. Then I would wrap tissues or toilet paper around them. I had pocket money, but I was ashamed to buy pads in the shop myself. At school, I was stressed that blood would leak through. I would wear black trousers or leggings. I was afraid to sit down. I would lie that I was feeling bad and skip my last few lessons. I didn’t tell anyone about my period, even though some of my friends had already had their periods.

My mother had been working in Italy for two years to earn money for a flat. I missed her so much.

My father kept me and my brother on a short leash. He would prod me or tug at my clothes over the slightest things. The night I got my period, I didn’t want to eat dinner. My father beat me then. I didn’t tell him anything, I was ashamed, I thought he would be angry. I waited four months until my mum came back, so I could tell her everything.

Whenever I think back to that time, I feel really sorry for myself. For a young girl, the fear and shame associated with menstruation are indescribable. What I remember most is the feeling of loneliness and hatred for my own body. I still feel this disgust today. In relations with men, I am shy, I feel embarrassed by intimacy and I am afraid to trust.”

When it drips down your legs...

Aneta, 33 years old: “I’ve blocked my husband everywhere I can, I only write back when it comes to our son. He would harass me, worst of all when I was on my period or ill. The punishment for idly sitting on the couch was that he wouldn’t give me money when I was on my period. He would say, ‘When it drips down your legs, maybe you’ll start being nice.’ I only had pads because I told my sister and she would send me money. But I would only wear one all day because I wanted to save money. Nobody has ever humiliated me this way. Whenever I think about it, I start crying.

He was always economical. I even used to like that about him. I would pay for half our groceries and he would pay for the other half. Although sometimes I would feel embarrassed when at the last minute he would add flour or sugar to my pile at the checkout. I’d roll my eyes but wouldn’t comment. I moved into his flat, but kept helping to pay the bills. When our son was born, the worst years of my life began. I was on parental leave because my son was often sick. My husband started obsessing over money. He had a separate card made for me and the largest amount he transferred to it was probably 200 zloty. We would argue. It would always start with some nonsense and would end with me being called a parasite who was living at his place for free. He would say that I had found myself a sucker to steal from. He trained me so well that I would explain to him what I had bought at the grocery shop and why. Even when he didn’t ask. Whenever he would leave the house, he’d lock everything in the cupboards, even toilet paper.

I am now in the second year of psychotherapy for victims of violence. I still keep asking myself how I endured it all.”

They had nothing at the clinic

Małgorzata, 30 years old: “I was 20 years old and depressed. I would lie in bed, I stopped going to work. One day I got my period, and I realised I didn’t have any pads at home. I also had nothing to eat and 5 zloty in my wallet. I didn’t have anyone close to me. I didn’t keep in touch with my mum at the time, we had argued and weren’t speaking to each other. I lived in another city with my flatmates, owed them rent and would steal their food.

I had to choose. Food was more important, so I cut my T-shirts into small pieces and tucked them into my underwear. I thought that clinics should be able to provide women with hygiene products. I went there but they had nothing. The nurse and the doctor gave me some pads. I felt terribly humiliated by this situation and cried. It’s still difficult for me to talk about it, even today.

Years later, I wrote a post on social media about it. Girls sent me pictures of their home-made pads. Rolled up toilet paper, a piece of cardboard, and a sock stretched over it. T-shirts cut into strips. A cloth, foil, cardboard. The ideas were different, the problem was the same – no money. I wouldn’t wish this on any woman.

Ever since I ran out of money and had to walk around with a rag in my underwear, I always have pads at home. Whenever I had cash in my hands, I stocked up and controlled it every month, obsessively. I would even buy too much. After this experience, the pad has become a symbol of a sense of security, a higher status. People who have always had enough money for pads don’t know that it is a privilege to have them.

I would like to address all those people who don’t believe that women in Poland can’t afford pads now: no one will admit to you that she has no pads! There are thousands of reasons, in my case it was depression and losing my job. This problem also affects poor and homeless women. Poland is not a country where everyone is doing great. You shouldn’t judge, ‘She’s a grown woman and she can’t take care of herself?’ I couldn’t then, there are people who still can’t. It’s one of the most difficult experiences for me. It’s been 10 years, and I still have panic attacks whenever I think about it. Yesterday, when I was getting ready for this conversation, I immediately bought a pack of pads at the chemist’s. I didn’t realise it until I got home.”

Menstruation Action...

The problem of menstrual poverty in Poland was first noticed by four high school students: Emilia Kaczmarek, Magdalena Demczak, Julia Kaffka and Wiktoria Szpunar. They come from different cities and each of them has already had previous experience in animal rights and environmental activism. They met during the competition for young activists entitled “Zwolnieni z teorii” (“Exempt from theory”).

“We watched a film about the lack of pads in New York and we realised that this problem also exists in Poland”, says Emilia. “Together, we came up with the summer initiative called Akcja Menstruacja (Menstruation Action) which would provide women in need with free hygiene products. But we didn’t really know how to go about it. We started calling non-governmental organisations, the Women’s Rights Centre and foundations helping single mothers. Everyone said we were the first to ask about it. Last year, there were only three short articles on the web covering menstrual poverty in Poland. When we started writing about it, we were flooded with negative comments that ironically asked if razors would be free too. Everyone asked us about statistics, but there were no studies on the subject then. And if there’s no data, there’s no problem.”

For this sum, they bought 1,000 menstrual cups. They got a special price: 15 zloty per cup. They sent them to women’s institutions and orphanages. Emilia: “People react with disbelief when we say that many women in Poland cannot afford pads. They comment that if they can pay for hybrid nail polish, they can also pay for pads. Meanwhile, this problem exists. It affects women from large families, single mothers who are raising daughters and schoolgirls. Women who remain under the care of the state are also in a difficult situation. Prisoners are entitled to 20 pads per month, which some women can use up in 3-4 days. Teenagers living in care institutions have lockers with pads available in the corridors. The key is usually held by the supervisor. The girls are ashamed to ask for it, because the younger children laugh at them. Menstrual poverty also means a lack of money for hygiene products that are tailored to the needs of the woman concerned. Girls wear pads that rub, chafe or cause reactions. They can’t afford organic products or tampons with applicators. There is also a lack of sex education – girls are ashamed to say at home that they are menstruating and ask for pads, and their periods often surprise them at school. How many teachers have a supply of pads in the classroom? Theoretically, there should be pads in nurses’ offices, but the nurse usually comes twice a week and schools often lack toilet paper or soap, let alone pads. Girls are also ashamed to change pads in the toilet, because they don’t always have locks. Headteachers remove them, apparently to stop students smoking there, but this is against the law. And how many women and girls have no access to running water at home, and a toilet in the yard? Raising awareness with regard to menstruation is necessary for women throughout Poland. We are fighting for universal access to hygiene products. Besides, this is not just a Polish problem. Recently, Scotland and New Zealand have introduced free hygiene products for women in institutions, schools and offices.”

In just a year, their initiative, which was supposed to be a one-off event, has turned into a thriving foundation. “We already have 16 people in the foundation. Right now we are working on three big projects. The first is ‘Hej, dziewczyny!’ (‘Hey, girls!’), thanks to which pads and tampons will be sent to 50 Polish schools. We are in the process of confirming another 100. We are planning on having as many as 500 institutions take part in it. We will send them packages of nicely wrapped hygiene products to be placed in the toilets. In some schools, students have decided to take initiative. We have provided them with starter packs containing boxes which they will fill up themselves. The second project is posters with a pocket into which you can put pads. They hang on the doors in schools, restaurants and cafés. It’s working very well. Our third initiative is the ‘Punkt pomocy okresowej’ (‘Period Help Point’) for women in need. We install metal lockers in Social Welfare Centres, help centres and social organisations. Our volunteers refill these lockers.”

The Akcja Menstruacja Foundation has already collected 125,000 zloty for its purposes. ‘Always’ has provided a six-month supply of products for 50 schools. The girls have also received offers from two cities to co-finance the foundation’s activities from local government funds. The talks are still ongoing.

…and pink boxes

Activists of the Lower Silesian Women’s Congress and the Wrocław branch of the Women’s Rights Centre have also come up with the idea of hanging up pink boxes with hygiene products.

Ada Klimaszewska, the initiator of the campaign says, “The idea of installing the boxes appeared at the end of last year while working on a project for homeless women. We received hygiene products from the Women’s Rights Centre in Wrocław and the Akcja Menstruacja foundation. The initial budget was 1,000 zloty, enough for a few boxes that we installed in Wrocław. Now there are over 40 boxes all over Poland, they hang in libraries, high schools, offices and Social Welfare Centres. Recently, four were ordered by the Deputy Mayor of Oleśnica.”

Edyta Małys-Niczypor, Deputy Mayor: “We hung the boxes in July in the ‘Atol’ Recreation Centre in Oleśnica, in the municipal toilet, in the city hall and in the public library. Hygiene products disappear quickly, we refill the boxes regularly. This is being done by the Oleśnica Jest Kobietą (Oleśnica is a Woman) group, which consists of a dozen or so women. We support female residents in matters related to preventive medicine, domestic violence, and we engage in charity campaigns. The residents reacted enthusiastically to the boxes and left positive comments on social media.”

It’s too intimate

According to the “Menstruation” report, as many as 47% of women declared that they didn’t or don’t talk about menstruation in their family homes.

Joanna, 29 years old: “My mother avoided this topic for a long time, although she must have noticed my underwear stained with blood and the fact that I was taking her pads. The subject was broached because of some TV commercial. My mum was surprised that I already knew so much about menstruation. I was 12 at the time. My little sister was there. These days I think no one talked to my mother about it and she just didn’t know where to begin. Or she found it too intimate a subject. Fortunately, I had support from my friends. When we started discussing it after a lesson about adolescence given by ‘Always’, there was no embarrassment. I remember that I was in the sixth grade at the time and I was as excited about this lesson as you could be.

Unfortunately, the compulsion to conceal the fact that I am on my period is still with me today. If young girls receivedreliable knowledge about their bodies at school, it would be a natural aspect of life for them, without shame or the feeling that something is wrong with them. Unfortunately, we are still ashamed and even taught that we should be ashamed from an early age. Knowing that I always had to hide something embarrassing made me feel inferior and unattractive.

I stopped being ashamed of what was natural around the age of 24. I came across feminist sites, read a lot about biology and sexuality. Before, I allowed people to cross my boundaries. My first boyfriend put pressure on me in sexual contact. Due to low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence, I couldn’t refuse him. I always felt helpless and guilty. For many years I thought that a woman’s life, including sex, was about doing things you didn’t feel like doing.”

A period off work

73% of adult women and 85% of teenagers associate menstruation with pain (according to the “Menstruation” report). They are often confronted with a lack of understanding from their environment and doctors.

Magdalena, 34 years old: “My first periods were so painful that I had to come back home from school early. I had to squat every now and then on the way back. I was wondering if I had stomach flu as I took turns having diarrhoea and vomiting. I couldn’t get out of bed. Everyone told me it had to hurt in adolescence, but it got worse with time. I’m an actress and a dancer. When I was due to have a performance in England, I fainted in the street. A friend carried me to the taxi in his arms, because I was unable to walk even 50 meters. I teach stretching classes, I am fit, but sometimes I would be in so much pain that someone had to come and get me because I was unable to stand straight.

Gynaecologists would say that this was something inherent to me and it would pass when I had a baby. In the end, birth control pills and massages helped me. Still, when I’m due to have my period, I don’t make any plans or I cancel them. I always have a calendar with me. Women understand me, men less so. My boyfriend is terrified when I’m on my period. He gives me compresses and asks me if he should call an ambulance. I lived with a sense of shame for a long time, with a feeling of guilt that I couldn’t cope. I would grit my teeth and people would say I was exaggerating.”

Pola, 24 years old, administrative worker: “From the age of 10, I have had terrible menstrual pains, which have often caused me to vomit, feel dizzy or faint. Whenever it happened, I’d miss classes at school or university. Two weeks ago, I started my first serious full-time job. I was always worried about how I would manage at work. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stay at home that day. I survived my first period at work and it wasn’t that bad, but I don’t know what to do if one day I won’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. My bosses are generally okay, but they’re men. The worst thing is if someone doesn’t understand or suspects that it’s a trick. I remember that our PE teacher would write down our periods in her calendar so the girls wouldn’t cheat.”

Agnieszka, 36 years old: “I work in a corporation and my boss would probably laugh if someone told him about menstrual leave. We still want to prove that we are as efficient as men, so I don’t know if I would take it. I’d rather not leave the impression that my colleagues are better employees because they don’t have periods.”

Katarzyna, 32 years old, works in a bank: “Women should be able to work remotely or be dismissed once a month. A bidet should be the standard in a women’s toilet in every workplace. However, as long as the overwhelming majority of bosses and interior designers are men, it will be considered a luxury and an unnecessary expense.”

There is only one company in Poland that has introduced an additional day of paid leave per month for female employees. Elisa Minetti, co-owner of the PLNY LALA clothing brand: “‘A period off work’ is already considered a standard in our company. It is not subject to evaluation and our girls are not afraid of such an evaluation happening. It hasn’t adversely affected our functioning and daily work in any way. In my team, I focus on a comfortable atmosphere. We shouldn’t pass each other pads or tampons hidden in sleeves, under the table, in secret. Menstruation shouldn’t cause embarrassment or shame. I wanted to free us from the menstrual taboo and show that this is a topic like any other.”

Free pads in toilets have already started appearing in some companies, but toilet cubicles with bidets or sinks are still rare.

Ola, 33 years old, works at PayPal: “I remember being very pleasantly surprised when I first saw a basket of pads in the toilet. Unfortunately, there are no bidets or sinks in the cubicles which is a pity as I would like to use menstrual cups.”

Julia, 28 years old, Amazon, Gdańsk branch: “There are pads and tampons in our office, which is a very nice gesture. But I have a friend who works in a small training company, Centrum Rozwoju ‘Jump’, and I know that there is also a box with pads there. It’s interesting that the company was founded by two guys and they thought about the women.”

Jędrzej Sołowij, Centrum Rozwoju ‘Jump’, Gdańsk: “Actually, it was one of our female co-workers who thought of the free pads. Were we astonished by this idea? Not really, and although we probably wouldn’t have come up with it ourselves, we liked it very much. There is a box in our toilet with the words ‘Women’s Essentials’ on it. It would seem like a small thing, but we still hear from our female customers and employees that it’s a great idea. We are always open to conversation and there are no taboos in our company.”

No swimming

Such openness is the exception rather than the norm. The “Menstruation” report draws attention to the strong exclusion of the topic of menstruation in public spaces.

An entry on the Facebook group Dziewuchy Dziewuchom (Girls for Girls) regarding a swimming ban for menstruating women at a swimming pool in Międzyzdroje caused quite the stir.

Nina, 28 years old: “The swimming pool and sauna are located in the apartment building where I’m renting a flat. The use of these facilities is included in the rent. I have been swimming professionally since I was a child and menstruation has never been a limitation when it came to any physical activity. Besides, the trainer rarely accepted such an excuse, unless one of our friends really felt terrible. Are we living in a Muslim country? I also wonder how the facility manager is meant to verify which woman is on her period. And if she gets into the pool with a tampon, what will her punishment be? Besides, babies in swim diapers are allowed in the pool.”

Internet users are writing in the comments that this rule is a sign of discrimination. However, there are also voices that the apartment building is a private area and that swimming while being on a period is disgusting.

Nina: “I was very surprised by these entries. They show how strong the taboo around menstruation is. I called the manager of the apartment building asking about the ban. At first there was a long silence, and then finally I heard that I shouldn’t count on a change in the regulations, because he has the right to introduce his own rules. In the comments below my post, someone wrote that in that case they should lower the rent for all women. If there was a point about respecting the rules of hygiene by everyone, there wouldn’t have been a problem. But every form of sexism must be fought against. It is because of such discrimination that women still feel inferior.”

***

According to the “Menstruation” report prepared in February 2020 for the Kulczyk Foundation, which is the first of its kind in Poland, every fifth Pole doesn’t have enough money for pads. 39% of women who live below the minimum subsistence level (about 5% of the population) have to choose between a hot meal and buying hygiene products. Research by Procter & Gamble shows that every sixth Polish schoolgirl has missed a class due to the lack of access to hygiene products during menstruation.

Author: Iga Dzieciuchowicz

Graphics: Barbara Niewiadomska

The article was published in "Duży Format” magazine of "Gazeta Wyborcza” from 12 October 2020