“I told the police woman that my dad hit me. But I was the one who had been naughty.” Children of abusers feel guilty

What kind of people come to you?

Women, very often with children. Frightened, mentally scarred, with signs of beatings still visible. They’re like hunted animals.

And the children?

You know, I can’t really accept it when a two-year-old child demands nothing, doesn’t expect anything, doesn’t signal any of their needs. It’s so unnatural. This demonstrates unequivocally that they’ve been trained not to cause problems because otherwise they will be punished. So they’re quiet and terribly sad children. It takes a lot of effort to teach them that they can be carefree and cheerful. That they don’t have to be grown up.

Grown up?

They’re little grown-ups. Often more responsible than the parents. I have a seven-year-old with her mother in my care. There was violence in the house, both the mother and the child were beaten. The girl says she wants to go home. “Why?” I ask. And she says, “Because that’s where daddy is and I love him very much. It’s my fault we’re here because I told a lady from the police that my dad hit me. And he only did it because I was being naughty.” She feels responsible for what is happening to her family. And she looks after her one-and-a-half-year-old brother like it’s her duty. After all, sometimes when the adults were busy with their problems, she was already doing it.

What do the women experience before they come to you?

They are beaten, kicked, pulled by their hair, called names, abused, raped, insulted.

And then finally someone reacts?

Victims are often left alone with their harm for too long. Families where violence is present can be very isolated. Because we know the tag line all too well: “Don’t tell anyone what’s going on at home,” or “don’t wash dirty linen in public”. Why should anybody know? The family is sacred. The mother remains silent, and after an argument, she just applies another layer of make-up. The child will not say a word about how hellish it is at home.

What happens when the bubble finally bursts?

Sometimes the teacher sees that the child is fearful, overly subordinate. Or, on the contrary, aggressive, as if they were constantly looking for a fight. And they start digging. Or a neighbour hears crying and screaming on the other side of the wall, so he calls the police. Even today I had a conversation with the mother of two children, who was brought to the centre after the neighbours intervened. The victim of violence was usually her older, teenage daughter. The neighbours reacted. Maybe they saved the mother and her children. This family was lucky.

Is a decisive reaction from witnesses to violence rare?

Fortunately, there isn’t a complete lack of sensitivity here. It’s fair to say that the situation is changing for the better. I’ve been working at the centre for two decades now and it was definitely the case that in the past, fewer people would overcome their fear and react to violence. Of course, we are still convinced that it’s better not to interfere in family matters. But more and more people, however, are deciding to intervene.

Even those who are closest don’t react?

It’s difficult to comprehend, but it happens. We have a 22-year-old girl with a two-year-old son at the centre. Her partner was abusing alcohol and was very aggressive. The girl was beaten up a lot, quite severely. “I was lying down facing the sofa and all I could think about was protecting my face from the blows and kicks,” she would say. Her partner’s mother knows all about it. On the one hand, she would try to support the girl, but on the other, she would do everything in her power to keep her together with her son. “Give him a chance. He’ll change. A child should have a father.” On top of that, the baby would run into daddy’s arms. The 22-year-old tried to run away several times, but always came back because her partner promised not to hit her. In the end she came to us. “Because I was afraid he would kill me eventually,” she says.

Do you understand those who don’t react?

I understand that they may be afraid. But I don’t understand and I don’t want to understand how one can remain indifferent knowing that someone is being hurt on the other side of a wall. It’s hard to confuse the sound of a child being beaten with the ordinary cry of a toddler. The quarrels and insults on the other side of the wall are also difficult not to hear.

You did say after all that sometimes the victims hide what is happening at home just as hard as the perpetrators.

And it’s easier for us to look away from our neighbour’s sunglasses, and the slightly too thick layer of powder which covers the bruises? All of this is true. Very often, the victims are so caught up in a spiral of violence that they don’t try to free themselves from it and they don’t believe they can. And sometimes even when a mother with children comes to us – out of coercion, because the probation officer reacted and gave her a choice of either leaving their husband or losing their children – she still defends the perpetrator. “He’s not a bad man. He just sometimes gets nervous when he drinks,” we hear. That’s why I don’t want to convince anyone that the role of a witness who reacts to violence is easy and pleasant. But I would like to assure everyone that you have to react.

How?

You can call the police. Or a social welfare centre. Even if it’s an anonymous report, social workers and officers are required to check whether anything disturbing is happening at the indicated address.

And what if there’s not? What if the witness is wrong?

It’s worth the risk. If we’re wrong, there will be no intervention. But if we don’t react, someone could get hurt. I was also wrong once. A lady called us once and said that she was 88 years old and a victim of violence. She told us about the harm happening to her at home, that her daughter was abusing her. It sounded very plausible.

We followed it up together with social services. It turned out that the woman lived with a caring family who help her and don’t hurt her. And the woman actually does need help because she has dementia and suffers from delusions. Do I regret reacting? Absolutely not. After all, she could actually have been harmed. You have to respond to disturbing signals. You have to be careful. Have you noticed what the neighbours say most often when a tragedy occurs nearby?

I guess something like, “I had no idea something bad was going on there.”.

And also, “I heard nothing” or “It was such an ordinary family”, “He always said ‘good morning’”. And if you look more closely, listen, stop for a moment and think about it, maybe you could hear something. Maybe it was enough to talk to the neighbour, give her the social welfare number, ask if she needs support. Maybe it would have helped avoid misfortune.

What hurts the most?

I used to think bruises and wounds left after the beatings. But I now know that the women who visit us suffer the most from mental scars. They’ve learned to stop respecting themselves, they think they don’t deserve anything good in life, and they’re convinced that nothing good will happen to them in this life. They can’t stop thinking of themselves as victims. And our job is to fix it. Meaning psychologists, therapists and educators.

Does it work?

We have our little moments. A few months ago, a woman with a six-year-old daughter came to us. They were victims of physical, mental and economic violence. The woman was tormented, depressed and physically hunched over. She recently left the centre. She managed to get a good job. She’s planning on renting a flat. She has a lot of goals in general and believes that they can be fulfilled. She sat in the same chair as on the day she came to us. And it struck me how beautiful and radiant she is now. I saw her head raised high and felt her strength. If it weren’t for her sister, this woman would never have come to us. It was her sister who insisted on saving her. She called us, found out everything she could and persuaded her sister to come. And she saved her.

 

Agnieszka Urazińska talks to Iwona Karaś

• Iwona Karaś - head of the Specialist Centre for Victims of Domestic Violence in Łódź.

The interview was published on wysokieobcasy.pl, 2 October 2020