In relationships between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law, there is a lot of fear about how the other party will react
Where do tensions between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law come from?
It’s a relationship that two adult women from different backgrounds enter into, but not by their own choice. Things are not made easier by the fact that the cultural message about the role of the mother-in-law is negative. There are various sayings or jokes and although many concern the relationship between the mother-in-law and the son-in-law, certain patterns have become established. Some of the stereotypes are present in old proverbs, such as ‘the husband’s mother is a serpent’s head’, and today these types of messages are still very strong. All you have to do is consult online texts, look at forums or watch videos on the subject. A positive image of the mother-in-law will be a much less frequent occurrence.
Does this mean that we are being implanted with something and that if the message were reversed, the relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law could be much better?
The message definitely often makes young women fearful when they go to the first meeting with their mother-in-law. The negative messages about the father-in-law are not that frequent.
Where do those about the mother-in-law come from then?
They stem largely from a time when women’s lives were limited to the affairs of the home. The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law often lived together and it was not a partnership relationship. In many families, by the way, the younger person is still expected to submit.
You have published a book on the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. You have also carried out quantitative and qualitative research on this subject. What did you find?
The most significant findings are that mothers-in-law tend to have a better perception of their relationship with their daughters-in-law and are more of a source of support for them. The watershed moments are the wedding and the birth of a child. Most of the women I spoke with view the bond between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law positively. It’s better than we might assume. But at the same time, it is worth noting that these relationships range from close and friendly to correct to hostile and conflictive. We don’t just have a single model in Polish families.
Why do mothers-in-law rate their relationships with their daughters-in-law higher?
Because they are thought to be more accountable for what those bonds will look like. If the mother-in-law states that she doesn’t get along with her daughter-in-law, people around her might presume that it is her fault. In addition, the mothers-in-law I spoke with said that they mellowed with age and put a premium on building family bonds in a spirit of cooperation and understanding. They also don’t have the same high expectations as their daughters-in-law when it comes to their relationships with one another. And finally – they, too, were once in the role of daughters-in-law and learned this other perspective. Moreover, if they had negative experiences themselves, they often strive to make their relationships with their daughters-in-law better.
What fosters close bonds?
Creating them is definitely easier when both parties have other spheres – besides family – that are important to them. This applies to the mother-in-law to a large extent. It’s good if she has an active lifestyle, hangs out with friends, travels, does sports. Such mothers-in-law are usually happy to meet their children and grandchildren, but this is just one part of their lives. Building good relationships is also fostered by certain character or personality traits, a willingness to reach an agreement, and to resolve difficult situations. I’ve come across daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law who work together professionally or share common passions. The bond is also cemented by the mother-in-law’s commitment to caring for her grandchildren. Not necessarily on a daily basis, it’s more about being willing to help. For daughters-in-law, on the other hand, it is extremely important that the mother-in-law recognise them in their role as mother and respect their competence in this area.
So, what divides then?
On the part of the mother-in-law – imposing her opinion, especially if it is combined with little involvement in the role of grandmother. In the case of the daughter-in-law, disrespecting her partner’s mother, undervaluing her, and making it difficult for her to have contact with her grandchildren. Sometimes mothers-in-law set boundaries and refuse to be full-time grandmothers, and daughters-in-law perceive this negatively because they have different expectations. It is also dangerous to treat the son and daughter-in-law as one. When a mother quarrels with her son, the daughter-in-law automatically gets caught up in it which gives her a sense of injustice. The relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is also hindered by communicating through the agency of the son and partner.
What role does his attitude play in his mother’s relationship with her daughter-in-law? Whose side should he be on?
It’s assumed that the new family takes precedence over the one from which the man came. But it’s best if he doesn’t have to take sides. That’s not always the expectation, in any case. There are mothers-in-law who understand that the son should do everything to take care of the relationships in the new family.
And do daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law often communicate through the man?
Yes, especially when it comes to difficult topics. But by choosing to communicate this way, they run the risk of not understanding the intent of the message because it becomes a game of Chinese whispers. They have no control over how the son or partner communicates information to the other party. This is an important issue – the lack of open communication between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. In the research I conducted, there were instances where the mother-in-law didn’t know why her daughter-in-law didn’t want to keep in touch with her. She supposed that perhaps she had hurt her somehow, but she wasn’t sure.
Where do these communication barriers stem from?
From the fear of how the other side will react. But most of all, it’s about the children. If a daughter-in-law comes into open conflict with her mother-in-law who takes care of her grandchildren, she may fear losing that help. A mother-in-law, on the other hand, may fear that her daughter-in-law will cut off her contact with her grandchildren.
But children can also unite strongly. You mentioned that birth is a watershed moment in the relationship between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.
One of two. The first is the wedding. In Polish tradition, the daughter-in-law usually then begins to address her mother-in-law as ‘mother’. Additionally, in many families the cost of the wedding is borne by the parents and then some strategies for providing support to the younger generation are revealed. Does the parent paying for the wedding have a say in choosing the venue or guest list, or are they just providing the funds?
The second turning point is the birth of the child, because the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law then begins to balance out. Previously, the mother-in-law gave her daughter-in-law her son, and now the daughter-in-law is giving her a grandson or granddaughter. But my study also showed that children are the most common cause of conflict between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.
What are these disputes about?
Breastfeeding, issues related to nutrition, but also upbringing, the role of a child in the family, setting boundaries, education. Young mothers today are more likely to consult self-help books, go to online forums, or ask a friend about parenting issues, rather than draw on the knowledge of their mother or mother-in-law. This is because this knowledge has become outdated in many cases.
What are taboo topics?
Daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law are reluctant to talk about what upsets them about the other party, and it’s hard for them to ask for help. Another taboo subject is money, for example in the context of remunerating the grandmother for taking care of her grandchildren or the costs she incurs by taking care of the children, for example by cooking dinner. There are grandmothers who can’t imagine accepting money, but there are probably others for whom a small payment or other form of repayment by the young couple would be a nice gesture. In reality, finances are generally not talked about at all.
In a relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, does the principle that the more often we see each other, the better we can get along work?
Geographic distance doesn’t matter much. You can have a good relationship with your mother-in-law while living in another country, and a bad and hostile one when you are only two blocks apart. If the distance is greater, visits tend to be less frequent but longer. There is an opportunity to be together in everyday situations, prepare meals together or work in the garden. This can foster more closeness than when a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live in the same town and their contact consists mainly of inviting each other over for Sunday dinners. Besides, today we have a lot of tools to build relationships while being hundreds or thousands of miles apart. This was especially demonstrated by the pandemic – people were more willing to reach for communication channels new to them. And these are not just video or phone calls, but also, for example, cooking together online.
Isn’t it the case, though, that being together in these everyday situations creates more conflict? Issues such as cleaning and cooking come up and they are theoretically points of contention.
If we are talking about longer visits at the in-laws’, then it may be convenient for the daughters-in-law that someone will relieve them from everyday duties – take care of the children, cook. They then have more space for themselves. This does not necessarily generate conflict.
What about when a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live under the same roof?
The 2019 CBOS communiqué ‘Preferred and implemented models of family life’ says that 22% of Poles live in multi-generational homes, and as many as 32% consider such a model optimal. And that percentage is growing. The quality of the relationship definitely depends on the terms of the cohabitation. The kind from the communist period, in a 50-square-metre flat, where it is difficult to pass each other, is completely different from the modern one – often in the countryside, in a large house, where everyone has their own kitchen, and grandma is one floor below and can take care of her grandchildren if need be.
And what effect does the form of addressing your mother-in-law have on the relationship? Is ‘mum’ always desirable?
Sometimes a mother-in-law doesn’t like it at all when her daughter-in-law addresses her that way, especially if there was no wedding. But there are also times when it is the daughters-in-law who have a problem with calling them ‘mum’. They find this form artificial, preferring to be on a first-name basis with them. Where such an offer has been made, the relationship between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law tends to be more of a partnership. In contrast, addressing your mother-in-law impersonally creates distance and can be uncomfortable for both parties.
Is it easier for men to form a relationship with their mother-in-law?
The women I interviewed perceived differences in the relationships between son-in-law and mother-in-law, and between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Some of them said that men do not get involved in domestic issues as much as women do, so they are less likely to experience conflict in this area. Many sons-in-law tend to be more submissive, letting go of various issues because they are not important to them. The women in my study included some mothers-in-law who had a better relationship with their son-in-law than with their daughter-in-law, but also some for whom the bond with their daughter-in-law was a source of greater satisfaction. Some said that it was actually the domestic or child-rearing issues that brought them closer together.
What about women who are in non-heteronormative relationships? Does the fact that in their case the link with the mother-in-law is not a man but a woman change anything in this relationship?
Such relationships weren’t the subject of my research, but I suppose that the very acceptance of the child’s non-heteronormativity by the parents may be of great importance here. The study entitled ‘Families of Choice in Poland. Family Life of Non-Heterosexual Persons’ by Joanna Mizielińska, Marta Abramowicz and Agata Stasińska shows that only slightly more than half of the respondents recognised their partner’s parents as their family. Perhaps some have not met them at all. The issue of the relationship with the mother-in-law in non-heteronormative relationships is definitely one that would be worth exploring in detail.
Magdalena Stankowska – PhD in social sciences in the field of sociology, assistant professor at the Institute of Social Prophylactics and Social Work at the Maria Grzegorzewska University. Author of the book ‘Teściowe i synowe. Studium relacji’ [‘Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law. A Study of Relationships’] and co-author of the book ‘Aktywność zawodowa a macierzyństwo. Perspektywa matek małych dzieci’ [‘Work and Motherhood. The Perspective of Mothers of Young Children’]
Author: Izabela O'Sullivan
Illustrated by Marta Frej
The text was published in „Wysokie Obcasy” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 15 January 2022
