It's nice, as long as it's nice

Sabina

She met Darek in 2015 at a bus stop in Wrocław. It turned out that they were coming back on the same bus, from the same job. She was a consultant in a bank branch, he had started working there as a manager a few days earlier. From a short conversation, they learned that they both came from the same city – Zielona Góra.

He had come to her office as a replacement. He was cheerful, chatty and “sold her a welcome story” that made her feel sorry for him. He said he was heartbroken and still in pain after breaking up with his fiancée.

– He was the victim in this relationship, she was the executioner. He said that she destroyed him mentally, tormented him, lied, and he dutifully endured it for the sake of love – says Sabina.

Her mother’s name day was in a few days. She wanted to surprise her. He offered to give her a ride. They chatted all the way. – He was so happy, full of life.

The relationship lasted two years. They rented a shared flat. He was supposed to pay the rent and the bills, she would pay for the rest of the cost of living, but when he was fired, all the maintenance fell on her shoulders.

– We had a car accident. Darek forced his right of way, a car crashed into us. I came out bruised and his leg was broken in two places. He couldn’t look for a new job and then I found out about his debts – says Sabina.

Their relationship started to deteriorate. Nevertheless, Sabina helped pay off his obligations – credit cards, an employee loan and a loan for an ex-girlfriend's engagement ring for PLN 30,000. – He was in a financial spiral. To help him, I used the money I had inherited – says Sabina.

It began to bother her more and more that when she came home from work, he was sitting on the couch, watching TV or playing video games. She asked if he could at least peel potatoes for dinner. He shook his head and said his leg hurt. He still wasn’t looking for a job.

– He started a row about having cheese on toast for dinner. I’d had enough. But I only left when I found out that he had renewed his credit card.

After a few days, she returned from her mother to pack everything and settle the financial matters. He owed her tens of thousands.

– I struggled with him for every penny. In the end, he agreed to sign a loan agreement for PLN 13,000. Including PLN 7,000 that I had borrowed to start a new business. Of course, nothing came of it. And another PLN 6,000 – that’s the money I used to pay off his cards. Everything else, even the money to buy a car together, was lost.

Darek was supposed to pay it off within two years. She didn’t even see a single zloty. She went to court. The bailiff was supposed to collect the debt, but her ex-boyfriend kept proving that he didn’t earn. At that time, he started a sole proprietorship. He is a mental couch. He calls himself a life coach. He organises meetings and workshops for companies on how to motivate employees and find your own self. On his website, under the heading of achievements, he writes that “he can eat a doughnut without licking his lips”.

He also boasts that he took part in a popular culinary program for amateurs and served his original recipe for the cake there.

– It was my mom’s recipe. He even robbed me of that.

Agata

– When I think back to how it was, this sentence keeps bouncing around in my head: “They wasted the best years of my life”.

Agata ended her marriage at the age of 30. She was left with two young children. She was alone for several years. Then he appeared in her life. Piotr was 15 years older, he was gallant, cheerful and he was brilliant at parties.

They met through mutual friends from work. – I don’t think I wanted the relationship seriously then, but he was after me. Flowers, picnics and visits to a sick grandma. They became a couple, and after a while they moved in together. It was nice, but Piotr drank every night. Agata too, but a glass of wine is not the same as a bottle of whiskey. Then he became angry, vulgar. They had an argument. She tried to excuse him – he had had a hard day, he needed a drink.

– He knelt in front of me twice with a ring, but I refused. Not after the evenings when he was drunk and told me that I was ugly, even though I was attractive. He said I only had him. I believed him.

Returning from work in the car, she cursed under her breath as the barriers were lowered at the railway crossing. It meant she would be late home and he was waiting. He counted every minute on her way home. He’d be furious again.

Despite this, Agata wanted to save the relationship and reward him for holding back on marrying him. They decided that they would build a house instead.

It was supposed to be suburban, but in a country style. With a sloping roof and a flower garden. He inherited a plot of land. His brother agreed to lend them PLN 100,000, and they took out loans for the rest.

The construction took a long time because there was a shortage of money. Nevertheless, they moved in.

She couldn’t stand it when he got drunk again in the unfinished living room. She said: maybe you should stop drinking at last. It was the first time he slapped her in the face. The next day, they promised to part their ways and sell the house. To pay off the debts, including to Piotr’s family, and share the rest.

– After a while I ran into his brother by accident. He asked when we were going to return the PLN 100,000. I was dumbfounded. I gave Piotr PLN 50,000 from my part, and he was to pass it on to his brother. I didn’t think he would cheat the family. And me. I had almost nothing left from the sale and the debt was still there.

Two years passed. She worked as a real estate agent. She would visit clients all day. She made an appointment with one in a cafe. A man of her age came in, around forty. She didn’t pay attention to him and treated the meeting purely as business. However, he called, texted, finally started to come over. They sat in the kitchen and drank tea.

Agata decided to confide in him – it was hard for her, she had two children to support, obligations, she was looking for something cheaper to rent.

He had several apartments. He put up her and the children in one of them. He visited them every day. He still only came for tea.

Agata: – To tell you the truth, I was getting concerned. Another month passed and we barely gave each other a kiss. I wasn’t 20 years old to think it was romantic not to go to bed with him.

They only became a couple after a year. He promised a wedding. There was no engagement, they just sat down at the table like adults and agreed to get married.

– I thought it would be a safe choice. Marek was calm, slightly withdrawn, but that suited me. There was such harmony in him. He was the guarantor of a peaceful life.

They set a date at the registry office. In three weeks. Agata asked when they would go to buy wedding rings, when they would choose a dress and a suit, who they would invite and where they would organise a small party. The answer was always the same: something had come up, handle it yourself. On the wedding day, neither of them showed up at the office.

Instead of getting married, he suggested something else. He bought a few shares in a tenement house and offered Agata to live in one of the apartments in exchange for renovation.

Agata: – I spent several tens of thousands on this apartment, all my savings, solely because he was to transfer the shares to me. He never did, and I had to move out of the apartment because the owners increased my rent by 200 percent. Marek had another woman by then.

She decided to leave Poland. She would live in Germany with her daughter and her fiancé. Nothing was keeping her here.

Maria

The marriage of Maria and Adam lasted 10 years. They are both well educated, known in academic circles, professionally active and respected. Maria will say today that it wasn’t a terrible marriage, but the ending was.

– I never considered ending the relationship, therefore I never secured myself financially. Trust mattered.

They both had their own bank accounts and access to them. She almost never looked at his account, he was a frequent visitor to her account.

– Didn’t that surprise you? – I ask.

– No. It was he who controlled our finances, paid the bills, and made sure we paid off the house loan. I didn’t see it as a problem because money was never a problem for us. He was earning three times as much.

She found out about the betrayal. For several months he had a mistress, no love, just sex. Maria couldn’t just pack up and slam the door. “We have two children, we are a family, we have a beautiful house in a suburban neighbourhood, we have plans for a vacation,” she thought.

Maria: – He was sure I wasn’t going to leave. “Sorry,” he said, but he didn’t regret it. He acted as if nothing had happened. He hoped there would be no divorce, because how could I manage without him and his money? My first thought was the same.

Maria didn’t have her own savings. Nevertheless, a few months later, she made a decision. – He cheated on his first wife, he cheated on me and if he has a third wife, he will also cheat on her.

When Adam realised the divorce was inevitable, he moved to his studio apartment and blocked access to the account. He allowed Maria to stay at home with the children, but didn’t contribute to the cost of living.

– Whatever was needed, I had to ask for it. Humiliating.

She is convinced that if it were not for her lawyer, she would have been left with nothing. Negotiations on the division of property lasted for months.

– In the ex-husband, a cultured, well-educated, worldly man, who never complained about money, the “alimony guy” gear suddenly kicked in: “You left? I’ll show you now!”. After a weekend with the kids, he would present me with receipts for things he’d bought them, even for medicines. Because he pays maintenance and is not going to contribute any more. At the same time, he bought himself a motorcycle.

And he would say – it’s wise to have your own money despite all the trust in the world. – The feeling of independence cannot be bought. Each of us needs an “emergency sum”. Then you can go out and close the door behind you, without looking back.

Marta

- I will be divorcing after 13 years! – she stated right after we say hello. This sentence will touch her for a long time. Marta never saw herself as a divorcee. It started with a great love in college. They studied medicine, late nights and shared textbooks, but in the end only he graduated. At some point, it was so hard for them that she quit her studies. Instead, she started to work – at first as a waitress in student clubs, then at an “office” in the administration of a residential estate.

Marta: – I worked very hard. I ran from one job to the next so that he could sit in our student flat and specialise. Eventually he opened a private medical practice. We felt rich and bought an over 120-meter house on a huge loan. I gave birth to two children. Because of that I didn’t work for five years – says Marta. She finally heard from her husband that he rewarded her with a five-year vacation for all the hardships.

– A grim joke. I was feeling offended more and more often, so I sent the children to nursery and found a job in a bookshop. I couldn’t count on anything better. I hadn’t finished my studies.

Her husband reminded her – the house was a mess, the dinner was not ready on time, the mother-in-law had to pick up the children again. – His mum is a stickler and he always had high standards. There was one problem – he never cleaned.

At home, he sat on his phone more and more often. He swiped his finger right and left across the screen. The phone vibrated even at night. She didn’t know what Tinder was at first. She searched for it on Google. She learned that her husband, at the age of 33, had set up an account on a dating site.

Marta: – I heard that I had stopped trying. After a few months, he moved out. He stated that the house would have to be sold, but didn’t mention a divorce.

At the end of April, Marta’s bookshop fired her. Due to the pandemic, there were no people willing to buy books.

Marta: – We still live with the kids in our house, and he keeps calling and asking how much longer I am going to look for a job, because he would not support me forever. The divorce case has been dragging on for several months. He doesn’t come to further mediations, he makes up bizarre pretexts, and as long as there is no divorce, he also doesn’t pay maintenance.

He recently took the kids to the seaside. When he dropped them off, they told Marta that daddy is cooler because he buys them everything.

– I sacrificed my life for him. I guess I’ll never stop feeling sorry.

Author: Michalina Bednarek

Graphics: Patryk Sroczyński

The article was published in "Wolna Sobota” of "Gazeta Wyborcza” from 29 August 2020