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How do you recognise a crisis that could herald a breakup?

There is no single indicator or pattern, just as there is no single type of relationship. Simply put, it starts becoming upsetting. Partners, spouses begin to feel and experience a lot of unpleasant feelings towards each other, which has not happened before. It is not a question of a quarrel or two, it is a situation that lasts for a long time, stretches over days, weeks and months. Quarrels do not have to be evidence of a crisis. It could be silence, a lack of sex, an illness or the departure of one of the partners. The word "crisis" comes from Greek and generally means choosing, deciding, struggling and having to act under time pressure, and thus de facto change. What we call a relationship crisis is a situation of change. Everything is OK and suddenly it starts to go bad, but it doesn't happen for no reason. Usually something happens.

Is a crisis always evident and obvious?

No, but it's noticeable. It can be conscious or unconscious. I can consciously declare that everything is fine, but on an unconscious level I feel bad – you can see it when I keep silent, talk less, I stay longer at work and get annoyed with what my partner does more often.

When is it worth fighting for a relationship and when is it a lost cause?

There is no such thing as a lost case. It is always worth looking for a solution, and there may be several solutions. One is staying together and working together to make our relationship better. Another is parting ways. People have to decide for themselves whether it is time to break up or time to work more on the relationship.

There are no simple recipes. However, I believe that when people met and decided to be together, it was for some, sometimes unconscious, but important reason. Often, working on this change in a relationship and on what we are going through is also working on part of our past and difficulties, which most often come from the matrix relationship, i.e. the relationship with the mother or father.

A couple comes to you and says, "It is bad, we are thinking about separation more and more often, you are our last resort." Then what?

If a couple goes to therapy together, I understand it as a willingness to stay together. I try to work with them so that they find a solution that works for them. I definitely advise against putting pressure on themselves, i.e. that either we will stay together or it will turn out to be a disaster. Thinking like this increases tension, and this makes it difficult to see the situation realistically. It will be as it will be.

Doubts about the partner and the relationship usually arise at the time of the so-called disillusionment stage when the first euphoria is over. Sometimes we realise that we don't really like this person, or we start to wonder if we really want life changes, e.g. moving, a child, building a house with this person. A person who will be able to listen to themselves and their needs, assess what will be good for them, has a better chance of making a good decision.

Before that happens, it's crucial that partners can hear each other. Many couples go to a psychotherapist to talk calmly because they do not do it at home. Very often I hear that at this point in the conversation they would already be arguing, there would be no more dialogue – I would leave, you would scream. It is only in the presence of a third party that partners and spouses activate their ability to control their behaviour.

And emotions.

No, behaviour. Emotions are what they are. Just because a husband is pissed off at his wife, or vice versa, does not immediately mean that he has to go out and slam the door, raise his voice, or throw something. This is behaviour. He can do something different with this anger inside himself, act differently, e.g. talk about it. Find something on the way that is difficult to confess right away, e.g. regret, sadness, longing.

Talking in the presence of a therapist helps, because it is often the only time when everyone can express themselves. How else can your presence help a couple who are thinking about breaking up?

I encourage you to look at yourself in the presence of your partner and see your contribution to what is happening in the relationship, what we do in it, what we are like. Most often, partners come with a very clear attitude, "I can see very well what you are doing wrong in this relationship and what you need to change." The transition from the "you" narrative to the "I" narrative is another important thing.

Suppose we are talking about a relationship in which the partner or both partners are unable to accept or tolerate certain characteristics, or one simply feels that this person is not for him or her. On the inside, they decide to break up but are unable to leave. Why are we trying to revive a corpse?

It's always worth asking yourself what makes you so unhappy in a relationship. What am I myself doing that I am happy or unhappy in it. If I am expecting a perfect partner who will be gentle, strong and firm when needed, other times caring, and sometimes playful, who will always sense what I need and feel like, then I will never be happy in any relationship. Such a person will always compare partners with previous ones or, most often, with potential subsequent partners. Everything will seem better to them than it is now.

Sometimes something changes in a relationship and it is too difficult for either partner. For example, there is a couple who are very much in love with each other, they meet two or three times a week, sometimes at her place, sometimes at his place One day they decide to move in together. And this is sometimes a test that this relationship cannot stand. Because this is too close for them. They are unfamiliar with closeness, their experience shows them that being close is dangerous, difficult. This is the first attempt. If the relationship starts to fall apart here, maybe it is really worth looking for someone whom we will be better off with, whom we can be close with. But maybe it's worth going to therapy to find out what's going on. Sometimes the problem can be e.g. value systems, habits, but also the degree of separation from the family home. Sometimes being close to another person can seem scary, especially if someone is afraid of being appropriated, of losing control of their life.

What would you say to a person who says that they have made a decision to break up, but are not able to put it into practice because, for example, they are afraid of loneliness, feeling unsafe or what people will say?

There is no single magic spell. Someone who entrusts building a sense of security to other people, a partner, may actually wonder what they will do alone in the world. This is usually how people who have no experience of independent living react. During their school days, they lived with their parents, during their studies as well, and right after graduation they met a partner, got married and immediately moved in together. We cling to someone because we've always been with someone. We don't know any other situation, we've never had a real separation.

Sometimes there is a fear of being judged by family and friends. This may indicate difficulties with self-esteem. An expression of dissatisfaction or disapproval can be experienced as the denial of a person's worth. It is associated with the belief that you can be worth something only when you strive to satisfy everyone around you – your partner, your mother who likes this partner, your friends that have a lot of fun with him. In such cases, it is easy to put the needs of others/reference groups above your own good.

Sometimes, getting stuck in a difficult, destructive relationship has its source in family experiences. If the parents had a difficult relationship, and nevertheless persevered in it for many years, maybe it should be like that? Maybe I can't have a better relationship?

And then what?

I would advise you to participate in individual therapy. Work on identifying the sources of the sense of threat. One may be the lack of a period in life in which we were alone. But there may also be others. It is always worth working to find resources in dealing with reality. Because it can be worked on.

When we part, we are also afraid of loneliness. How do we deal with this anxiety?

Here it is just like before any change in life. It is associated with both experiencing loss and gaining something new. It involves thinking about potential threats and opportunities. If we are focused on threats, e.g. long-term loneliness or the fact that we cannot cope with something – the decision will be postponed and the existing inconveniences will be underestimated. If we stick to what's good about the change, it will be easier to implement.

Let's say one or both partners decide that nothing can be done. When and how should they end the relationship to cause as little loss and damage as possible?

There is no single good moment. It's good to meet in a safe environment, preferably not in a public place, and say it face to face. Talk honestly and as calmly as possible, without hurting or harming the other person. Separation itself is never easy or pleasant, it is not worth adding suffering to yourself and your partner. If a couple lives together, the decision to break up usually takes a long time to mature and does not come as a surprise to either party.

If we have joint property, and certainly when we have children, it is worth planning everything calmly. You can always get along in matters of property, but when there are children, I would advise thinking over the decision to break up many times, because you are responsible not only for yourselves, but above all for your children.

People generally have the right to seek happiness. Sometimes this decision is right. I always say that when someone is in at least two relationships in their life, they have a better chance of getting to know themselves as a partner, and this self-awareness is very important in building good relationships. When you are in one relationship all your life, from high school to retirement, it is a poor chance that you will get to know yourself as a partner. What helps in relationships, breakups and subsequent relationships is paying more attention to yourself, reflecting on yourself and what you bring to the relationship.

To your mistakes and vices?

I wouldn't call it that.

It is difficult to say that any trait is bad per se. You may have too much of something, or it may not be balanced by another trait. Anger and aggression are not bad in themselves. Only too much of them or their improper "use" can be bad. Grief is not bad in itself. It's good to be upset sometimes, even for a week or two. But if it lasts a year, then there are more serious problems, sometimes even depression. One will call a mess creativity, another will be disturbed by it. One will call something a love of order and harmony, another – pedantry. Who's right? Who knows? They can both be right.

Sometimes it is easier to dig up dirt on each other, to point out certain qualities rather than to talk about what I need, what I feel bad about, what is too much and too little for me. Mutual resentment and pointing out certain features are easier than listening to the partner. When there's no mutual awareness or conversations about needs, sometimes the wounds become too deep.

Can a breakup be – in the long run – a positive experience?

I've been educated in an approach that assumes that every life experience is a resource for a person. Breaking up can also become one, because, for example, we learn about ourselves that we can live without someone or that we have the strength to disagree with something, or that we find layers of independence within ourselves, and thanks to them we can enter into another relationship. But, you know, it's important to actually break up. It is often the case that couples somehow cannot do it. This is why we have seven-year-long divorces and cases for division of property. After all, it's not about this property, but about relationships. When it comes to property, it is relatively easy to agree who gets what. But when domination, control, and everything we have struggled for are involved, the relationship continues, and all this prevents definitive parting from happening. A signal that someone has not definitely parted ways is also a tendency to compare subsequent partners with the ex. Then the question arises: who exactly am I with? The new or the ex partner?

Often when parting, the slogan "Let's be friends" is used. Some say this because they really believe it – they value their partner for e.g. their intellect, sense of humour and hope for friendship, others say it to say something conciliatory. Is friendship between ex-partners possible?

I think it is. Perhaps it means that this couple finally finds the distance they need to talk to each other because the love or sexual relationship disappeared.

"Let's be friends" really often means "let's not hurt each other". Let's lay down our arms. We don't necessarily mean that we'll call each other every day and talk for a few hours, and go out for a beer once a week. We will just talk to and about each other with respect. We sometimes cannot completely cut off the person we are parting with, because, for example, we live in a very small town and the other person does too. A breakup does not mean that either of you has to leave. In this case, it is better that the ex-partners have good relations. Sometimes we work in similar industries or professions, where there are not that many people, so we will meet sooner or later. In this case, it is also worthwhile for these meetings to be held in a good atmosphere.

But if ex-partners suddenly become best friends after a relationship, I wonder if they really broke up. The border may be thin. If now they are meeting every week, talking, going out together, maybe they are still mentally together? After all, such a friendship should also be possible in a relationship, because it is largely about friendship. And what's our current partner's attitude to friendship with our ex? New partners have a right to feel anxious when their other halves are too close to their exes.

No matter how painful and unpleasant the breakup is, there is always hope for a good life. With this person or someone else. There are many solutions, and parting is one of them, neither better nor worse. Sometimes it's better to break up, and sometimes it's worth changing the relationship so that you can continue to be together.

Martyna Słowik talks to Jakub Lesiak

• Jakub Lesiak – psychotherapist and psychologist with several years of experience. In couples therapy, he helps in solving crises and building conflict resolution strategies that serve the development of relationships.

Interview was published in "Wolna Sobota” of "Gazeta Wyborcza” on 9 January 2021.