Liberated

What is sexual liberation?

PATRYCJA: You don’t have to have a lot of sex or be open to everything. To be liberated is to know your sexuality and needs and to be able to talk about them without flushing on your face.

SYLWIA: My signpost is the body. When my arms are not tense, when my hips and thighs are relaxed, when I hear the music and my body starts to dance involuntarily, I know that I am liberated. Sexuality is our vitality, life energy.

AGNIESZKA: For me, sexual liberation means discovering a wild lover in me. I found the key under my mother’s pillow: in my upbringing, patterns, and beliefs. It was worth taking a look at them and see which ones work for me and which don’t.

Agnieszka: the body, the vehicle of pleasure

My mum gave me a vision of patriarchal, monogamous marriage and sexuality that is shameful. My mother’s archetype is Eve – all her life with one man, not exploring her sexuality. Her cousin, whose archetype is Lilith, was a liberated woman – every time she visited, she would bring a new lover along. I could be either a wife or a lover – I didn’t see any other way. I chose for myself the role of a wife.

It is my 46th birthday today. My husband and I have been together for about 25 years. On the altar of monogamy, I sacrificed my friendships with other men because I thought they would be a threat to our marriage. I expected the same from my husband.

All seemed fine, yet something felt off. During our intercourse, I was paralysed. My husband was very patient; he took full responsibility for our sex. He initiated and made sure I got aroused.

I didn’t feel like a great lover and it quickly made me very jealous. There was a growing sense of threat from other women who emanated sexuality and sensuality.

And then what I feared most happened – my husband fell in love with another woman, which turned out to be the path to my healing.

When he asked me for a second chance, I decided to forgive him. It was then that I discovered Nonviolent Communication, which, at first, became for me a tool of communication with myself. During the course, I made friends with Sylwia. We talked every day and that was my therapy.

Thanks to her, I read a book on polyamory that opened my eyes. I realised that my heart has always been polyamorous. I found that my beliefs that I would never like anyone else, that one person would satisfy all my needs not only did not agree with me, but actually hurt me. I realised that I no longer have anything to forgive my husband for; on the contrary, it was thanks to his betrayal that I discovered myself. I felt freedom.

It was then that my husband and I started getting closer to each other again. There was room for honest conversation. My husband confessed to me that he fell in love with another woman, but that it was not directed against me. Love is never against someone. After all, just because we love our first child doesn’t mean we don’t love the second and the third one.

I started attending women’s circles. They are amazing – we can give so much to each other and heal each other in such a beautiful way! I also enrolled in the Sex & Love School run by Karo Akabal. It allowed me to look at my body in a completely different way.

I used to be so self-conscious about my appearance during intercourse! I was thinking about what my belly or my pussy look like. It was there that I realised that my body is a vehicle of pleasure. Who cares what it looks like; what’s important is that it feels!

The turning point was my first solo love session in years. I took a hot bath and warmed up. I fondled myself with my eyes closed. I found my pussy wonderful. Soft, juicy, plump and abundant. It was then that I realised how much responsibility for my satisfaction I had given to my partner over the years – he was supposed to give me pleasure, he was supposed to give me an orgasm.

This experience has completely changed my intercourse with my husband. Now orgasms come when I am relaxed. When I breathe, not when I hold it. It is no longer a clitoral contraction, but a wave that rises, breaks and pierces the ceiling.

Everything has changed. I have become a lover who has her own boudoir and who is able to invite a man to it, who initiates sex and knows how to do foreplay beautifully, who caresses her partner without shame and tells him what she wants.

We both have such openness today that if one of us falls in love with someone else, we will talk about it without rejection. My husband told me, “I will love you always, even if you fall in love with another man someday”. I also feel that I would be able to share him with another woman today.

We do not hide our sexuality from children. In our home, nudity is natural; even our 13-year-old son, despite his age, is somehow not embarrassed by it. Parents of young children often do not have time for sex. When the children go to sleep, they are too tired for anything. So I persuaded my husband to have intercourse during the day. We tell the kids, “Listen, dad and I are going to our room for a massage now, we want to have time for ourselves”. And we lock ourselves in the bedroom. It is better for children to know the sounds of love than of fights between parents...

Our daughters are seven years old and they don’t ask too much about it yet, but recently one of them has started to get interested in her pussy. I gave her a mirror and showed: “Look, this is your clitoris, this is your labia”. Her twin sister watched it with interest too. The topic is exhausted for now.

I found out that you can be both a wife and a lover. That Eve can be sexually liberated, all she needs to do is reunite with her sister Lilith.

Sylwia: I sway, I laugh, I scream

I experienced sexual abuse as a child. When I was a few years old, my “uncle”, my grandmother’s “friend”, would touch and kiss my private parts. His mere presence in our house made me feel his strange, mysterious energy. I remembered it perfectly, I have never wiped it from my memory. I told my friends about it, first girls, then women, and I think it saved me. The fact that someone would listen to me, that someone would say, “Yes, you have been harmed”.

But when the time of teenage exploration began, I noticed that my body felt frozen. I wanted to date, I got into my first relationships with boys, but whenever something more happened, I ran away. My friends told me that they felt vibrations in their stomachs, that there was something very cool about it. But I didn’t feel anything. They said they touched themselves and they had fun doing it. But I had no fun. Depression had been lurking behind my back for years.

As an adult woman, I considered sex a physical duty. I pretended to enjoy sexual intercourse.

Eventually it became so frustrating that I opted for therapy. I had the first one when I was 20, but the therapist was not open to talking about sexual topics. The next one allowed me to regain my emotional balance on an ad hoc basis, but has not changed the way I felt in my body. I went to another one when I was well in my thirties, married with two children. I had such a rough time and so little life left in me that I started to think about suicide.

Thanks to therapy, I dealt with my family issues. My sexual trauma was voiced and heard by the therapist, but my body had yet to come alive.

I realised that this was where the competences of classical psychotherapy ended. I was then in such a place that I got out of the basement. The door opened and I didn’t know where the hell to go.

I started to participate in women’s circles. There, I learned that there are techniques for working with the body that you can help yourself with. I signed up for a movement medicine class. Dancing has always made me very embarrassed because we are a bit naked when we dance. People judge us, they see that we are at ease or that we are not. I remember when I went to my first class. I stood there as stiff as a board, unable to move either my arm or my leg. I was looking at these bodies swaying beautifully around me and I felt like crying. I was ashamed that everyone would find out that I had a problem with my sexuality. But I knew there was a secret to discover in what we were most afraid of, so I came every week. And, slowly, I began to open up.

It was three years ago; today I sway, I show myself, I laugh, I cry and I scream. It’s a beautiful experience. Because this is what dance is all about. Liberation. Music connects to emotions in the body and we begin to flow where we need to and release what needs to be liberated. It is about allowing yourself to be happy, angry or sad, to cry, to scream.

Other techniques helped me as well – the tantric breathing exercises that I learned from the book “Sexual Awakening of Women”, Lowen’s technique of working with the body. I would always start practising by myself, and when the embarrassment passed, I would share it with people.

I also decided to participate in Karo Akabal’s workshops at the Sex & Love School. This is where I got to know the practice of a quarter of an hour of pleasure every day. I would ask my body what it wanted at that moment; I needed a lot of touch so I would touch myself daily and slowly relax my body. I would massage my yoni and make love to myself day after day.

Until one fine day, I experienced the first orgasm in my life. I was 37 at the time. At first it was weak, like a mosquito bite, but it got stronger every day. Eventually, I wanted to experience it with another human being.

My husband and I broke up, but a year and a half ago, I met a man who was ready to listen not only to my story, but also to instructions on how to achieve my orgasm, though he discovered a thousand other paths of his own. It was a big moment for me.

Recently, Piotr and I have created an erotic game for another year of our relationship – “52 weeks of love”. Every week, we draw a card with some challenge related to intimacy and eroticism. One of them was a homemade gift. Piotr carved a dildo-shaped amulet out of rosewood for me. It was polished and finished with oil – beautiful. I showed it off to my friends and they said, “Guys, you have to do this for other women too!” So we sculpt our sex toys – in a variety of sizes and shapes. I mean, Piotr sculpts, he is the one who is skilful like that.

I am now 40 years old. The depression is over. I am starting studies in sexology, but I am drawn to practical work the most – I would like to give women good, healing touch so that they could enjoy sexuality. Many women find it easier to open up to other women. Besides, I participated in such meetings of women where we would show our naked bodies and have orgasms next to each other. There is a concept that in tribal times it was women who prepared young girls for sexual initiation; it was in women’s circles that the first kisses, the first explorations took place. Only after this familiarisation did women meet men.

I run circles myself now. When I observe women who have so many blockades, so many harmful beliefs in the area of sexuality, so many restrictions imposed on us by, among others, religion, I think there is a lot of work ahead of us. Fortunately, we are already at a point where we know that we can live differently – be free, set limits, talk about menstrual blood without embarrassment, have as many partners as we want. We just don’t know how to achieve it yet, how to break free.

I am a school educator and I run puberty circles for girls. I can see what beautiful results such work with children brings.

I think that if an “uncle” comes to such a girl and wants to hurt her, she will have the courage to say “no” and tell her mother about it. That is, to do what I couldn’t do. This is my mission.

Patrycja: I like looking at myself

I’ve always been in some way open to the sphere of sexuality. Of course, I didn’t get sex education from my parents – a classic case. I was looking for information on this topic myself. I was curious about it, sure! Like everyone.

I work on a webcam, i.e. for an erotic chat service. I started with a camera studio. I’m from a small town; when I was 20, I moved to Szczecin and started looking for a job. I decided that this would be better than working at Rossmann. Undressing was not allowed in the studio, so I felt safe.

At first, it was hard for me to get up and present my body; I saw other girls move and thought that I would never learn how to do that. Back then, I had only had two men and I still had a lot of complexes. I still believed that my body was not perfect, and this is very related to sexuality. So at first, I was quite shy. But once I overcame this, it was all downhill. After a year, I started my own business. It’s already been six years.

I work for a niche foreign site. I do striptease, but I don’t cross my boundaries. I do it my way, there is no forcing. When I feel uncomfortable about something – I don’t do it. I’m able to say “no” to my clients. Sometimes they check, ask if I would do something, but when I refuse, they accept it. I used to work with makeup on, now I don’t wear it at all. I got used to my body. I like looking at myself.

I don’t hide anything; my family has accepted the way I work. After all, I’m an adult and nobody gets harmed. The men I have don’t mind it either. I choose who I surround myself with, so I am in an environment of people who are as open as I am.

From the very beginning, I have also been active in public. 20 thousand people follow me on Instagram; 70 percent of them are women. I talk about my work, about feminism, about female sexuality.

This job gave me a lot. I stopped worrying about the opinion of others. I also stopped judging people by their sexuality. Because I would not like to be judged myself.

Autorka: Monika Redzisz

Ilustracja: Marta Frej

The text was published in „Wysokie Obcasy” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 11 September 2021