Love like a drug

Krystyna Romanowska: In the “Brave New World” series, people take pills to have a good mood and even better sex. In the real world, the number of people who have sex under the influence of various substances is increasing. Maybe inventing the female orgasm pill would do the trick once and for all? It would be legal and satisfying.

Agata Stola: The “orgasm pill” may sound good, but in reality we may never have one universal pill because there is no such thing as a universal formula for female orgasm. We have various drugs that support women’s arousal or, for example, their concentration during intercourse. But with female orgasms, the matter is complex – research is still being done to understand them. Sometimes the lack of orgasm is the result of trauma due to experience of violence or sexual harassment. In such cases, psychotherapy and sex therapy are needed. When more oxytocin is released from neurons, the chances of orgasm are higher. However, simply giving someone this hormone or its artificial equivalent is not a guarantee of satisfaction. Not to mention the risk of blocking the natural production of the hormone. Dopamine and the reward system mainly concern male orgasm and its delivery to the body is associated with the risk of very rapid addiction. In women, on the other hand, MDMA, or 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine, could work. We also know the “no-pill” way to orgasm: masturbation and vibrator. On another anniversary of meeting, my patient got a vibrator from her partner. She used it and… experienced her first orgasm – after a few seconds of stimulation. It was not a girl cut off from the world, the Internet, Netflix. Rather, she was convinced that her sex was “OK”. She considered the scene from “When Harry Met Sally...” an exaggeration and a marketing effort. She couldn’t stay with her partner at the time, but then she started having a satisfying sex life – stimulation with a vibrator showed that her body was capable of orgasm. The pill seems like an unfortunate idea here, because the lack of orgasm had complex causes: lack of communication, masturbation, and feeling on the part of the partner.

It all comes down to a lack of sexual education. It teaches you to get to know your own body, how to properly and safely explore your sexuality. Without sex education, we’re like in a fog. This is definitely more effective and important than the best drugs. If a woman does not have an orgasm and there is no medical explanation for the cause – I would be afraid to deal with the problem with a pill, even if there was one. It is different, for example, if we are dealing with a specific dysfunction, e.g. with vaginismus. In such situations, seeking pharmacological support is more than advisable.

Suppose an orgasm pill is invented – will this end the process of “stuffing” sex with pills, or vice versa?

Taking “sex” pills has been going on for a long time, and it is doing well. There are many psychoactive substances on the black market that affect human sexuality. Their widespread availability is evidenced, for example, by the development of the phenomenon of chemsex. People who have such sex admit that they have no problem getting the right substances. There are also psychoactive substances that may follow the way of medical marijuana today, these are psychedelics.

Will chemsex just be legal instead of orgasm pills?

Sigmund Freud already foresaw such a scenario. We cannot count on changes in Poland at the moment, but in the USA it is a quite realistic scenario. MDMA, an ingredient in popular ecstasy, is often referred to as the love drug. Before MDMA was banned in the US in 1985, it had been used in couples therapy. In an article published in the German magazine GEO last year, Oxford University researcher Brian D. Earp cited several examples, including the work of New Mexico scientists George Greer and Requa Tolbert who used MDMA in 1980-85. Their findings indicate that humans achieved “a healthier and more accurate perspective of who and what they were mentally”. Of course, this was never done in isolation from psychotherapy, and couples were given very small doses. MDMA researchers today agree that the same feeling of euphoria, emotional warmth, and empathy towards people and the world that make the drug a favourite among nightclubbers can help many people. Especially those suffering from post-traumatic stress. Here, MDMA enables the processing of traumatic memories in a safe environment of a therapy room. This allows them to open up emotionally and come to terms with difficult memories. An increased level of compassion, openness is a ready recipe for solving the problems of most couples who go to psychotherapy. And that’s how many people describe the experience of taking MDMA.

But what couples do you mean? I understand that this is not about those who experience bad sex from time to time?

It started with the concept of helping couples in which one of the partners suffered from PTSD. The idea was that a partner not affected by post-traumatic stress should have the opportunity to enter this experience. Psychedelic researchers believe this may be exactly what will heal relationships, as the other party will receive the information they need to understand, empathise, and support. It is very important here that everything is done under the supervision of specialists in the field of psychiatry and psychotherapy. The fact that MDMA causes an increase in the desire for sex and the body is much more open to stimuli, although not included in any targeted research, can be supported by millions of reports on the Internet. Also in the case of women and their recurring problem in the office, that is, “I would like to feel something”, MDMA may be useful, but conducting such therapies on our own is very risky due to the possibility of being used and revealing traumas that we will not be able to deal with on our own.

I understand that the alcohol from the saying “drink it, you will be easier” is already passé?

There are many phantasms of the connection “substance and sex”. There used to be a conviction that it is alcohol that encourages and makes a woman relax and become more frivolous and open. And when she is relaxed, it is easier for her to reach an orgasm. The main line of thinking is that if a woman relaxes, she will have an orgasm, and if she can’t relax, she won’t – in short, that’s her problem, so let her work on it herself. And patients who come to the office are frustrated because they can no longer listen to this male mantra: “relax”.

What does the male “relax” said to a woman actually mean?

Reject conventions, pursue my fantasies... for some: get down on your knees in front of me. And as an advocate for positive sexuality, I have nothing against it, but it has to be done without pressure. And under the innocent “relax” there is a clear command and pressure. Putting responsibility on the woman – she’s tense and it’s her fault she doesn’t have an orgasm. When she thinks about it, “relax” is not about her pleasure, but it rather means that she is supposed to play his male game, show that she loves sex with him, be active, not lying like a log. It smells like patriarchy in a modern narcotic envelope. After all, he does everything, he is a great lover, and she just can’t relax. Apparently she needs a pill.

So what? MDMA and other female stimulants are not emancipatory?

If the substances are administered without the partner’s consent, it is a criminal offence. If partners decide to take them jointly, it is still a crime because the substances themselves are illegal, but in terms of self-realisation it will be rather egalitarian in my opinion.

Speaking of MDMA in partner therapy – is there a risk of addiction?

There is always such a risk in the case of psychoactive substances. There is something more about MDMA. It can act temporarily on the desire for intercourse, but it does not have to support solving problems in the relationship. And the despondency and sadness that accompany coming down from the substance can make you perceive problems greater than they really are. Even if we had more detailed research on partner therapy under the influence of MDMA, many individual factors should be taken into account, because it all depends on the specifics of the relationship, the involvement of people, their problems and expectations associated with taking the substance. Therefore, we need more permanent, systematic research, this is the only way to develop an appropriate dosage regimen.

We should also remember that MDMA is a substance with relatively high neurotoxicity, taking it more often than every few weeks, even months, is harmful. It is also quite easy to overdose it and there are many health factors that are definitely contraindications to its use. The participants of the studies I mentioned underwent a special medical selection. I advise against taking it on your own.

At the outset, we said that the number of people having sex while under the influence of psychoactive substances is increasing.

Curiosity and the desire to intensify sensations are growing. However, this is still happening in the group of people who approach this type of drugs liberally, also in a non-sexual aspect. 40-year-olds who had been taking substances in their 20s will be more likely to experiment with substances in sex. Patients sometimes use cannabis as a way to de-stress and be able to engage in confident sexual contact.

What does it say about us that we can’t have sex without smoking a joint?

That we as a society have to start investing in mental health. It is clear to me and many specialists: if COVID does not stimulate the understanding of a simple thing: it is just as important to care for our heart and muscles as it is for our brain, we will be in great physical condition, but we will be eaten by psychosomatic diseases.

So we will do triathlon, but we will not get sex without substances?

And the cause of death will be “unknown”.

PS In the USA, MDMA may become a legal drug as early as the end of 2021.

Agata Stola - a sexologist from the Splot Institute

Autorka: Krystyna Romanowska

The text was published in „Wolna Sobota” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 28 August 2021