Midgets, perverts and scruffy guys – swipe left. How women search for men on the web
“It is difficult to master a new tool which, in a sense, equalises the chances of accessing a partner and exposing one’s sexuality”, explains Wojciech Kruczyński, psychoanalyst and therapist. “Women in the conservative past had a harder time, as they had to suppress the sexual and aggressive impulses to which men claimed their full right.
Let’s remember that a man at the time had to see life first, and only then was he ready for a relationship that a pure woman – a virgin – was waiting for. Here, too, the playing field is evened out, which in turn places men in the position of an object to be used and abandoned, and this, paradoxically, is difficult for them to enjoy. After all, they dreamed of sex without obligations (“no hidden catch, no strings attached – just free love”), and women were supposed to be those who ‘build bonds through sex’”, points out Wojciech Kruczyński.
Liberated women write what they want and how they want it. Sometimes these are manifestos of women hurt by men or those who are ready for anything. They can also allow themselves to resist male power with reluctance, but also with selection (they are very similar to men in this). “There is no equality in relationships or society. Unlike in dating apps – in some respects, but rather randomly – which results from numerical ratios. Tinder gives you a chance, but you need cunning to take advantage of it. And it’s more for sex or a short‑term relationship than love”, believes Katarzyna Szumlewicz, PhD, a philosopher from the University of Warsaw.
Male and female incels
If women believe that men on the verge of incelibacy are record‑breakers in terms of shame and contempt, it would be good if they had a look at some female dating profiles. “Male and female incelibacies differ. While the male version entails hate towards the phantasm of a woman you have never had, female incelibacy is usually dictated by real experiences”, explains Katarzyna Szumlewicz, PhD. “In their dating profiles women clearly signal that they have had some painful experiences related to a poor relationship or even abuse by men.”
Wojciech Kruczyński: “Hatred is always related to the same thing: you don’t want to adjust to my fantasies, but you’re trying to fit me into yours, make me an object, that is, delete me as a subject. There is no greater hate than hatred for gutting myself. It’s a bit like boxing, you have to choose fighters of matching weight (in terms of ego resistance), otherwise it will be a massacre. There is indeed a lot of aggression, but I don’t perceive it in terms of hatred. Maybe, in some cases, I see it as a reaction to a recent breakup. But in general, between the lines of this provocative and exclusive language, I read: ‘I’m done with trying, now your turn.’ ‘I’m not going to be nice anymore.’ ‘I won’t be faithful Juliet on the balcony, I’m past it.’ ‘Before I start withdrawing, I want to feel the deposits (broadly understood).’
So let’s take a look at how women search for men on‑line.
First, by selection
“You listen to everything that you find catchy, you don’t read? I’m not going to bed with you. Or anywhere else.”
“Roses are red, so is red wine, you can’t be married, divorced is fine.”
“Midgets, perverts and scruffy guys – swipe left.”
“If you are under 187 cm – left. If you are forever lost in your life and in your head like a wild boar in a corn field, also left.”
There is no chance that it will work. Just as women hate men dividing them into size 40 and above, men are allergic to “heightism” (discrimination on the basis of height).
“Displaying negative experiences from the past while selecting is not the best – to put it mildly – way to find yourself a partner. Of course, the message: ‘Don’t get smart with me’ is clear, but does it seduce and intrigue?”, wonders Katarzyna Szumlewicz.
Second, by promise
“I will f*** you up.”
“I don’t have many abilities, but I can always make you coffee and a mess in your head.”
“If I have my period, you can be my vampire.”
Even if the promise of a woman is to “f*** you up”, it always contains some kind of a plan. Men seem to simply dread the uncertainty as to how a woman actually imagines their relationship to continue. Not to mention the fact that the “f***ing you up” plan can be extremely attractive to those who have not yet experienced it (those who have, “swipe left” for sure). It suggests that we may be dealing with a femme fatale, which eliminates the possibility of boredom and guarantees constant mystery and incessant blasts of emotions.
Some men like to get close to the edge, and mental destruction usually follows sexual frenzy, and a cafeteria of rejection and attraction. They might be willing to take such a risk.
Third, by invisibility
“If you know something about music, film and literature, we’ll have plenty to talk about. A sense of humour, sarcasm and not taking life and yourself too seriously are also essential. And don’t ask what I’m searching for. I’m not searching for anything. I am searched for” (no photo on the profile).
“To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up”, said Oscar Wilde. Tinder leaves no doubt: the term “body positivity” doesn’t work – and this is a topic for at least a postdoctoral thesis. And it’s not because men only like “skinny chicks”. It is women who don’t believe that without perfect measurements they can be sexually attractive to someone. Or – if they’re not looking for sex but for relationships – they think that the soul is more important. They prefer to show their dog, canoe, plant on the window. “Excessive kilograms (real or imagined) are a separate topic, in fact never honestly explored in the context of correlation with the psychological structure of such people. Body positivity is one of the superficial ways of addressing the issue, it works just like any other affirmation, that is, briefly and unconvincingly”, believes Wojciech Kruczyński. “Simply put, plus size people rarely accept that they can be sexually attractive as they are.”
And the issue of being noted as an object is rather crucial on Tinder. “That is why they probably see a face to face meeting as a chance for their other features or strategies to work, more under control than ‘me as a sexual object in the eye of another person’”, says Kruczyński.
“A woman is perceived as carnal, sensual. Men do not look for models on portals, they look for bodies they like, but they have to see them. Hiding is a poor strategy”, says Szumlewicz.
Most of those who photograph themselves in a sensual way have bodies of Anna Lewandowska and Ewa Chodakowska combined. The result is that dating apps are filled with invisible women and women with bouncy buttocks and breasts in swimsuits who have chosen the strategy of searching based on being fit and having an interesting life.
Fourth, by being fit
“I’m looking for a rich man, the rest will get sorted.”
“Only motorboats, yachts, deckchairs, planes”, complains a dating app frequenter over 40. “It seems these women are doing nothing but travelling. What about me? Should I travel with them?”
Especially since fit profiles are linked to Instagram profiles which show that these women live intense, interesting lives. Many men are not ready for such challenges because it requires being active, and they are not always up for it.
Especially that with this type of profiles, the subject of money appears, which is extremely touchy for male Tinder users. Any mention of a male wallet is in very bad taste. It is immediately associated with paying for sex.
Fifth, by inaccessibility
“I’m normal. You won’t get me with a sex meeting, so just forget about it.”
“A resourceful man with his life sorted out (a photo from behind the steering wheel, red nail polish). I’m allergic to parasites.”
“The answer is no” (a photo showing a sexy torso dressed in BDSM accessories).
Bolesław Leśmian in his poem “The Girl” wrote about the futility of inaccessibility: “Twelve brothers who believed in dreams, scouted a wall among phantasms; / Beyond the wall there cried a voice – voice of a Girl long gone through chasms. / They fell in love with voice’s sound and with their own wishful believing, / And tried to guess shape of her lips from how her song died out in grieving... / They said, ‘She cries therefore she is’, and nothing else they said but wondered, / They blessed the world with sign of cross – and then the world grew still and pondered... / The hammers held in hardened hands, they launched against the walls in clamor! And night was blind, and couldn’t tell: which part was man and which – the hammer?”[1] Behind inaccessibility there may be anger, which is an instrument of separation that allows you to distance yourself from the compulsion to satisfy the needs of the other party. “Women think that if they start a relationship on a wave of inaccessibility, maybe later they will manage to create a relationship based more on partnership than on adapting to men’s fantasies”, explains Wojciech Kruczyński. “The chances of it working exactly like that are rather slim. In a way, this strategy might even blow your cover, because someone who is really self‑confident doesn’t need to be aggressive. But it can help filter out those who dare to hammer.”
“Mum of a 6-year-old prince. I’m not assuming anything, and I’m not excluding anything. I’m a butterfly: elusive and distrustful. If you want me to sit on your hands, you have to do the near‑impossible to encourage me.”
Men have nothing against women with children (at least in terms of declarations). They only ask themselves: where is my place in the world where she already has her love, her princess or prince? “Men misinterpret this message. Women who show that they have children are not trying to say, ‘There is no space for you any more, my man’, but rather ‘I have my life priorities and you must take them into account.’ And also: ‘I will not babysit you’”, explains Dr Katarzyna Szumlewicz.
“I’m not interested in adventurers. I am looking for a steady relationship and closeness.”
Dr Katarzyna Szumlewicz: “If the profile does not have a photo which shows lips and eyes only, it can work effectively. Although, from my perspective, women have less chance than men who want the same. The dangers of this type of message can be summarised as follows: a man tired of an intense, toxic relationship can look for a couch on which to rest with all his burdens. In other words, you can become a mother, nanny, rest before his next trip and so on – that is, you might end up with reasons for so often declared bitterness and disappointment. However, this is a danger faced in the case of long‑term relationships in general, not just dating apps.”
But is there anything wrong with a man looking for warmth? “No, nothing; everyone is looking for it after all. Women often declare warmth but want the same. They are allergic to the profiles of their friends’ husbands, they realise that they do not want to enter into relationships in which someone cheats – they are not looking for this type of a longterm relationship”, says Szumlewicz. “Sometimes men look for warmth in women that are super attractive and twenty years younger than them. They are actually likely to take a beating instead of building mutual trust. In a way, they have only themselves to blame: choose either trophy hunting or attempting to form a warmth-based relationship.”
Author Krystyna Romanowska
Illustration: Marta Frej
The text was published in „Wolna Sobota” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 24 July 2021
