MILF, “mummy” is the most viewed porn category in Poland. Many men fantasise about mothers
In fact, such a sentence appeared above the interview with Katarzyna Kozłowska, the president of #SayStop, the first foundation in Poland combating discrimination against women in uniformed services. The organisation does a great job of exposing abuses experienced by women in this sector. As for the article itself, the fact that she had three children became a category that was supposed to increase the scale of the man’s offence – as if the mere act against the subordinate was not enough.
Why is this the case? The topos of a mother is still strongly present in our culture, primarily as the archetype of motherly love associated with suffering, sacrifice and, finally, self-denial. In literature, we have the theme of a suffering mother who loses her child, and with it the meaning of life. In such circumstances, it is difficult to recognise the mother as a sexual being. That is why sexual allusions to a mother are so outrageous. Society condemns them far more than it does in relation to other, childless women – as this article has shown.
Sticking with the poetics of oral sex: in the old film “Analyze This”, Robert De Niro, the main character, when asked by the therapist about oral sex with his wife, reacts with indignation: “What!? She can’t do that! After all, she kisses our children with those lips.” Does motherhood make sex, and particularly oral sex, forbidden?
During one of the couples therapy sessions, the partner – a mother and wife – reproached her partner for not stimulating her orally any more. He admitted that initiating such caresses had become “strange” to him since they had become parents. The problem was not with the oral sex itself, but with accommodating both the father and lover roles, and seeing the same thing in the partner. In a sense, we are all stuck in this emotional-loyalty conflict. The word “mother” is, in the first instance, associated with one’s own parent. Many people find it difficult to think of their mother as a flesh-and-blood woman. But it’s different with other people’s mothers. And here we come to one of the most popular erotic fantasies of men around the world, i.e. MILFs.
The mother becomes the most desirable sexual being here. Not only does she get a body, but her sexuality is also perceived as fuller, more attractive because she is a woman with “sexual experience”. Looking at the statistics – this is the erotic fantasy of a great many men. According to the statistics of pornographic sites available in our country, “MILF” is the most searched and viewed category in Poland. I do not like the term “mummy”, but this category clogs up the servers of dating sites. This hypocrisy or these double standards hurt women who, as mothers, do not want to be reduced to the role of a sufferer or Internet vamp.
Why is this the case?
A mature partner is not only experienced, but also caring and understanding when it comes to any mishaps or shortcomings of a man, she provides a sense of security. Moreover, a woman who has given birth to children is perceived as a complete, fulfilled being. This stereotypical way of thinking generates a lot of harmful opinions about women who, for various reasons, decide not to become a mother. Being a mother is also referred to in the context of fulfilling the biological role that, unfortunately, in some environments is simply expected of a woman. In this approach, both the woman and the mother are deprived of subjectivity.
What is the typical pattern of losing your desire for sex after having a baby? What is the role of the fact that the most sensual things in sex, namely breasts and vaginas, also play a key role in giving birth to a new life? Is it an irreconcilable contradiction?
From the experience of working with couples who have young children, men do not have much trouble with a woman’s body during pregnancy and after giving birth. However, women themselves have a problem with this as they are very strict with themselves, they do not accept the changes that have occurred in them, scars, stretch marks, and skin folds on the abdomen. For most men, these body changes are sexy and attractive, and have given rise to the MILF “goddess.”
However, there are men who do not want to be present at birth.
Yes, but there are also many women who do not allow their presence. Having a partner in childbirth should always be a choice, not a pressure – only then does it make sense. However, when I hear from my patients that it is a sight they want to spare a man, I doubt whether the actual delivery itself is the problem here.
On internet forums, women complain that due to the fact that their partner was with them at the birth of their child, the erotic life of the relationship ended. This way of thinking is, in a way, rather short-sighted, because lack of sex after the arrival of the baby is much more complex – the presence or the absence of a partner at birth is of little importance here, and the choice of Caesarean section does not translate into a higher libido in new parents.
It is worth adding that in Poland we still have very poor standards in maternity wards, so traumatic experiences for women often result from the way they are treated in the delivery room. Their intimacy is not respected, they do not feel safe. The belief that childbirth must hurt is still alive, but there is nothing to worry about because “you forget this pain quickly”. Well, giving birth doesn’t have to be that way, it can be a valuable and unforgettable experience. And there are couples who manage to experience it this way.
However, for most couples coming to the office the main cause of problems with sex after the birth of a child are issues related to the sense of attractiveness. Men usually await the first sex after giving birth, while women tend to assume that they need to “regain” their figure first.
So in order to feel like a sexy cat, a tigress in bed, you should forget about your motherhood? Is that possible?
Of course. For example, appropriate compliments related to attractiveness and femininity help, unlike saying that she is a wonderful mother and takes care of the child in an exemplary manner. The compliment “you are such a wonderful mother” is not a good invitation to bed. And here I come back to the integration of the roles: a mother and a woman – a sexual being. There are couples for whom sex never returns to a parallel plan after fulfilling its procreative role. A woman believes that she can only play one role at a time: either motherhood or sexual activity. And yet there are no contraindications to fit these two roles in one person. However, it requires noting that this disintegration has taken place.
The most important point: for the mother and the sexy tigress to be integrated, the partner must take on more responsibilities. Without it, there is no way sex will reappear in the bedroom. In order for a woman to be able to integrate the roles of a mother and a MILF, she needs an active partner who will relieve her of the responsibilities related to the home and motherhood. You need a man who will share both the hardships of raising a baby and the pleasures of shared moments in the bedroom.
So it is in the interest of men to relieve their partners. The more responsibilities they take on, the faster they will get back into sex. How aware of this are they?
They are unaware of this, just as of the fact that the patriarchy generally lowers their ability to have fun sex. After the birth of children, it is clearly visible how giving up patriarchy for equality and equal division of responsibilities has a positive effect on relationships. The young mother is exhausted right after giving birth.
100 percent of the responsibilities related to the child rest with her. The partner she loves very much – as he has done so far – leaves for work. He comes home and has the same expectations as when the baby was gone. Usually, there is also no fair division – that although he goes to work, he also gets up at night to see the baby. Parents usually choose the solution: since he goes to work, she will look after the child at night because he supports the whole family. But a woman on maternity leave, also gets money.
In my opinion, it is beneficial to remodel childcare in such a way that each partner has a similar burden of responsibilities. For example, until midnight he takes over all the duties related to the care of the baby (bathing, feeding, playing), and she has a few hours to rest and relax. Will a man feel as eager for sex after several hours of intensive care? Maybe then he will get some idea of how his partner feels about it. In such situations, the perspective and discussion of sex in the relationship changes. Both parties feel similarly tired and can talk or think about arranging time for sex from the same point of view. That it is their common cause.
Some women are also eager to play the role of the one who will not only take care of the child herself, cook a delicious dinner, but also bend over backwards to “give a blowjob” in the bedroom with the last of her strength. We do not recommend this. It will be a “forced tigress”.
A tigress at the expense of herself. She won’t make it for long, it will end up with a lot of frustration and – sooner or later – it will spill over onto the partner who will not know what is wrong because “she never complained and seemed content”. We should remember: situations related to early parenthood – motherhood or fatherhood – are a leap into the unknown for most couples. People make a lot of mistakes that, in retrospect, could have been avoided through honest communication. So instead of “I’ll do it best by myself” – “let’s do it together”. Immediately after delivery, women often find it difficult to let go of control, this is understandable given the hormonal maelstrom going on inside them. Motherhood is not a project in which they “have to prove themselves” or “have to prove something”. Most couples do not talk about how they envision life after the birth of their baby, when it is time to form a plan and arrange a division of duties. A conversation, or rather a quarrel, occurs when a crisis comes.
And – obviously – we don’t have sex.
If sexuality is omitted, left unsaid, it simply disappears. In my opinion, the most closing thing is the social acceptance of the claim: everything changes when you have children. And this crisis could have been avoided if certain things had been planned in advance. We have access to information – you can more or less prepare for what will happen after the baby is born. Of course, reality always checks this a bit, but having the fundamental issues discussed earlier, we can handle them better. Remember that we prepare for being parents not only by buying a crib, bottles and a carrier.
Sometimes a woman ceases to be a tigress because she is comfortable with it.
It all starts with what was before the pregnancy. What motivated a woman to become a tigress, was she okay with it? Was she fond of sex, was it satisfying, or did she have sex because she really wanted to be a mum? We often hear in the office, “My partner is a great man, the perfect father and friend.” And when we ask about lust and passion, silence or the following comment appears, “This is not the most important thing in life.” In fact, for many couples, good, satisfying sex is not always a priority. When a certain goal is achieved, e.g. pregnancy, something that was not important at the beginning falls into the background.
What patterns accompany a young mother? Did her mother also stop being a sexual being when she gave birth to her?
Young girls, representatives of millennials or Generation Z, still hear from their mothers: “Respect yourself, a woman has to take care of her reputation, otherwise she won’t find a good partner.” But who is the “good partner” in this message?
Sometimes this theoretically “good partner” ceases to desire his partner because her body changes?
In fact, for some men, physicality is very important. A woman is to meet the restrictive requirements of the canon: slim, athletic, well-groomed. A partner with such expectations who has entered into a relationship with a woman who fulfils them can be very disappointed with the changes that take place in her body due to pregnancy. He can be harmful, aggressive and ruthless towards his partner. Sometimes in the office he will say directly, “Just look, how can I want to have sex with a woman who looks like this?”
Is there any chance that this will change for him?
There is always a chance for change. The condition is, however, to see and understand how much he is hurting his partner. Besides that, the condition of the relationship itself – what is happening in it. If a woman is insulted by her partner, criticised, or humiliated because of her appearance, we are dealing with violence.
If a man says to his partner: “You’re a sexy mamma”, should it turn her on or not?
You should probably ask the partner. It’s important that she can tell him to stop if she doesn’t like it. Labelling a woman as a sexy mamma can be enjoyable and ennobling, but it can also cause discomfort. The category itself is nothing new. The fascination with mothers as experienced, fulfilled women is as old as time, so I see no reason why women shouldn’t take advantage of it. There is nothing to be afraid of.
Dating websites clog up when given the ‘mums’ category. In this way, subjectivity is taken from both the woman and the mother.
Agata Stola - therapist and sexologist in "Centrum SPLOT"
Author: Krystyna Romanowska
Illustration: Marta Frej
The text was published in „Wysokie Obcasy” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 12 June 2021
