Sex with my ex. It relieves pain and erases good memories at the same time

Anna Dobrydnio: After a breakup, women often feel the need to leave a man with the thought that he has something to regret. This is also a conclusion from the letters sent to “Wysokie Obcasy”. Where does this need come from, especially in women who have been hurt?

Alicja Długołęcka: We received letters indicating motivation based on some form of revenge: I’ll show you what you’ve lost, what I was worth, and you underestimated it, so regret it. I changed, I survived, I took care of myself and if you wanted me again, I have now proved to you that I am great, but I don’t want to be with you anymore. Now I’m the one saying no. So, I think it’s not necessarily the result of low self-esteem, but more of offended pride, feeling hurt, showing the man that he has made a mistake, making him regret it. Perhaps in some group of women the root cause is a sense of injustice linked to a decline in self-esteem, but I also think that women with high self-esteem may do something like this if their partner didn’t play fair.

So, what is the motivation to have sex with an ex for people in relationships in which they weren’t necessarily hurt?

People just miss each other. They were close and for some reason they broke up. The closeness they created was so important, so special, that then it’s very hard to get out of it and just give it up. People miss that physical intimacyto which sex belonged. This is a dangerous path because the wound is deep and it hurts, and when there was no cut-off, the parting process is slow and painful. In one of the letters, it was nicely written that when people share less and less in life, the sexual bond between them will also disappear, and their bond will die. This slow dying process is a tough experience that makes it difficult to build your new world, it actually prevents it. Then we have a choice: either to cut ourselves off and suffer deeply, to feel the lack of this closeness for some time, or to recreate the relationship when both people – although often only one of them – are already building a new relationship.Sometimes they miss each other so much that they meet, and in a way it is easier for them to relieve this pain for a while. However, it is accompanied by the loss of a relationship and the nullification of good memories, which generates additional pain and sadness. It is the active creation of a void that is depressing and saps the energy out of life.

Is an ex a threat to a new partner?

It’s much more dependent on the person you are dating, not on the ex. The decision is made by the new partner. Sometimes the situation is not over. Here, I mean situations in which there was a very strong bond in the relationship but one of the partners made the decision to leave becausehe had other priorities in life, for example: one partner goes somewhere and the other doesn’t want to leave, someone wants to start a family and the other person doesn’t, or there is a big age difference. Such an abandoned person when entering into another relationship often warns their new partner that they have been hurt, that they have a closed heart so as not to ask them questions about being ready for a relationship. In any case, all this may be true since the phase of rebuilding their own separateness is usually a several year process, if there was love and closeness in the relationship. You just need to go through all of this to separate yourself. The new partner may then have completely different needs and not agree to build such a half-bond, especially if it is related not only to the other person experiencing the breakup and the inability to fully engage, but also the real presence of someone “from the past”. Some people decide to have sex with their ex-partner despite their new relationship. In this way, they can try to “prove to themselves” that they are still important. They choose not to be cut off and desensitise themselves with the illusion that they are still loved in spite of everything – through sex. And this sometimes goes on for several years, slowly dying until someone unequivocally stops it. Such a relationship is often extremely painful because the abandoned person doesn’t really get what they want, feels as though they have been taken advantage of and experiences a depressing process of indifference. It may be unbearable for a new partner that it is not possible to build the desired relationship at this point.

And for what reasons might the person who has left want to continue seeing their ex?

They can keep this relationship going because it’s good for their ego. They still feel absolutely attractive to both their new and ex-partner. Such a person does not care about the ex-partner’s feelings of abandonment or the lack of security and closeness with the new partner, but focuses more on the fact that they are still loved, desired – because this love is converted into lust – and this can be tempting. It can even prompt entering into new relationships because it strengthens the feeling of attractiveness. Human vanity knows no bounds.

So, the motivation for sex can be on both sides?

Of course. In the first part of the conversation, we focused on the abandoned, but the person who left may also be motivated to have sex with the ex. Vanity is a very strong trait, and we often find it hard to admit that we don’t want to let go of our ex-lovers or partners because it’s nice to feel that you are wanted despite a breakup. Not to mention it justifies us a bit. A more twisted motivation may be involved in this prolongation of the relationship, especially when it comes to being friends.

But with or without sex?

Sometimes it turns out that this friendship is not just a friendship when sex is involved. And this is a very similar situation to the previous one, only it’s called something different. It’s camouflaged under the guise of friendship, which is not friendship, but exemption from guilt by the person who has left – everything is fine, we still “like” each other. Perhaps it would be okay if it really did develop into a friendship without sustaining the other person’s illusions. It’s very difficult and in most cases I think impossible, at least not right away. For example, if we have been married for a long time, this phase of transition from one relationship into another is quite long and does not mean thatafter, say five years, we cannot be friends. Ex-husband with ex-wife. But it takes a little break, learning to live apart since it’s not a relationship any more.

Is this possible?

Life shows it is possible, especially when there are children. People are then obliged to some form of contact, and after a particular amount of years, they arrange this common area because they know each other very well and they can make friends without the aforementioned manipulation and regret. I think each of us knows such couples and this is an absolutely possible solution. However, I would like to emphasise that time and mutual separation are needed.

Let’s return to this camouflaged form under the guise of friendship. What is it about?

In this disguised form, in this quasi-friendship, the abandoned person mayfrom time to time attempt to seduce, because they are deluded that this little slice of seduction, this devotion and patience, will somehow be rewarded. tThey believe that their partner will come back, that maybe it is love. And the person who left feeds their ego – they are still desirable despite being in another relationship! They are doubly desired – by the present partner and by the ex. Many of us succumb to this. As a rule, very unpleasant breakups occur then, because it’s not an honest relationship based on truth. After some time, however, this truth becomes noticeable and the veils of the illusion that “everything is OK” are broken.

Could meeting for sex turn into a relationship again?

Yes. One of the solutions for such people is so-called free sex, which is free and emotionally safe, in which no one has any pressure to be in a stable relationship or to start a family and people are bound by passion. They were in a relationship, they came to the conclusion that they are not at such a stage in their life that they want to continue this relationship with each other, but they share a similarity of character, a spiritual, intellectual and, of course, sexual understanding. They realised that what they had in common has value. They are single by choice and instead of meeting random people, they meet with each other because they know each other well. And in that sense, it is emotionally safe and sexually satisfying.

This is, among other things, in the letter about the Brazilian. I think people can really feel this way at certain stages of their lives if they know themselves, are emotionally aware, mature, have past relationships and appreciate the value of such meetings. This happens when people just like each other, have something to talk about and enjoy sex, but don’t plan on having a relationship at that particular point in their lives. They don’t manipulate themselves and other people. This can apply to people who have been divorced, young people who have different life priorities, or people who, after being in relationships, feel relieved that they are no longer in relationships because they have sacrificed too much and are disappointed. However, this does not mean that they will now lead an ascetic life and will not be in any psychosexual relationships. And instead of the version of promiscuity, that is, anywhere and with anybody, they choose to be so-called friends with benefits. The basis of such relationships is that they know each other well, have similar needs and have no illusions about certain issues.

To what extent can such relations result from rationalisation and to what extent are they true?

These can be very conscious decisions for both partners. And they are more mature than the relationships we talked about at the beginning, those based on ego-feeding, masking friendship – that is rationalisation. And now we are talking about the real version which is possible and happens to people if they both realise at some stage in their lives that what they have lost is still of real value to them. The problem is that this rarely happens, as it often is true only for one person. And this is only possible when it concerns two. If it so happens that two people are together, then break up, begin new relationships and soon realise that they hadn’t fully appreciated their previous relationship and now want to get back together rather than remain in separate worlds – and I emphasise the plural here – then we can have a happy ending. In such cases, people get back with their ex partners with a clearer idea of what to expect – then not only the sex will be great. And then they live happily ever after, not even noticing when they create a relationship again, stronger and on new terms. The probability is low, but it also happens in life. The claim that you don’t enter the same river twice is therefore not an absolute statement. Perhaps these relationships are exceptions that prove the rule.

 

Anna Dobrydnio talks to Alicja Długołęcka

• Alicja Długołęcka - deals with psychosexual education and counselling. She is particularly close to topics related to sexual health and female sexuality.

The interview was published in wysokieobcasy.pl (5 September 2020)