Size doesn’t work on Tinder
Women often don’t know who they are looking for on dating apps. However, they certainly know what they are NOT looking for: contempt and instruction. It would seem to be a hunting ground for macho males looking for sexual prey. Meanwhile, it is quite the opposite. “Dating apps perfectly emancipate. This statement may seem eccentric compared to the opinion that women risk more when entering the world of applications. There used to be a saying: men risk ridicule and women – rape,” says Dr Katarzyna Szumlewicz, a philosopher from the University of Warsaw. “However, if one understands the basic signals and knows how to avoid inappropriate behaviours, using them is very equal.
This has an amazing impact on the construction of messages on male profiles (let’s leave the female ones for next time). Well, while reading them, one has an irresistible impression that men experience a constant siege of interested women, which is why they make an internet sieve at the outset. Here are the quotes that have remained the same for years. And they are becoming less and less effective:
“Supporters of the Law and Justice and Confederation get the f... out”;
“If you live with a child, you cannot imagine a day without contact with your mother, you feel good in a mess, you are insanely jealous, you have a modified/faceless/outdated photo (Tinder’s bane), you sleep in bed with your dog, you live in another city, definitely press X. I’m not looking for a wife here because I already had one”;
“Decrepit ladies for whom a cat or a dog is more important than a human – no thank you in advance”; “Plus size ladies, thank you very much and no offence, please”;
“Be crazy, drink wine, ride a bike and a car, dance without shoes, don’t fuss and have the will to do something. Please, talk less, do more. I love sarcasm. A volcano of ideas”;
“I’m not looking for anything, but you must have that something:) – be a passionate cosmopolitan, be a good and sensitive soul, if you like sport – you have a plus at the start, if a bike – two”;
“If you consider yourself a sweet bitch – don’t like, don’t waste your time. You write that you are a classy woman and you are looking for a classy guy. You sure are, but don’t like, don’t waste your time”.
“Meanwhile, research confirms that when it comes to searching for sexual partners, women from dating apps have a much greater chance of relatively successful sex than men,” believes Dr Katarzyna Szumlewicz. “That’s why gentlemen needlessly entrench themselves in their men’s strongholds. They should focus on pleasing women rather than making demands. It may seem strange that after a few years of existence of online dating apps, men keep making the same mistakes. Never too much repeating what doesn’t work for women.
Here are the most common mistakes that arise from male insecurities.
FIRST ERROR: I KNOW THE WAY TO WOMEN
“I need a real woman, I’m not easy and I don’t drink coffee.”
It seems that popular pick-up courses (don’t show her interest and she’ll chase you) are not successful, both in real life and online. “The belief that there is some algorithm that will act on women as if under hypnosis or some conditioning assumes that women are very stupid. And women are erotically smarter than men, and certainly more complex. A simple pattern is not a way for women,” says Katarzyna Szumlewicz. Of course, the phantasm of “he Tarzan, me Jane” is still quite strong and will last a long time. There is still (smaller than before) a group of women for whom the means to seduce a man is to resemble his sexual fantasy.
“There is also a large group of women who experience emotional abuse, with a built-in mechanism to constantly correct their mistakes to deserve love. Such women often feel uncomfortable with caring men, but as soon as someone points out their faults, they regain their energy and get down to work. They will eagerly click on the profiles of Demanding Men,” says psychotherapist Wojciech Kruczyński.
SECOND ERROR: CONTEMPT
“You must have something to say, I don’t like duck lips, fake selfies and photos in the mirror. I love intelligent and passionate women. I give a lot in return and I want to receive as much.”
To have good sex using online dating, you just have to like women. Enjoy being with them, listen to them and be sympathetic (not to be confused with adoration) of their world. According to Wojciech Kruczyński, most men do not focus on the offer (who I am), but on what features the object should have (what should you be like so that I want you).
“The Internet is basically such an object/phenomenon on which any fantasy can be projected: mum, dad, sexual or paranoid fantasies, etc. Someone sits in front of a blank screen and has complete freedom to design their visions about the person on the other side,” says Kruczyński. “Everyone imagines what they want. If someone despises women, he sees a ‘fallen woman’ on the other side of the mirror and speaks to her in that language. And unfortunately, this is not corrected by an alert analyst, but sad life itself. To reflect on a woman’s soul, one has to exist in reality, in a world of action and reaction. Projections and fantasies come to the fore in front of the screen.
There is another interesting mechanism. A lot of male users of apps are surprised that what was supposed to be the implementation of a polygamous pattern (he has many partners) turns out not to be fully ‘achievable’. “There has been a line drawn on this open access – and it is – what a surprise! – the will of women. That they may or may not want it. This is really surprising,” explains Szumlewicz. “I’m talking about an average man, not some super attractive guy who will actually always find a partner. The way in which women could be disciplined: ‘There are a lot of others, slimmer, younger than you,’ doesn’t work because she can tell him the same. And she does it. The power from elementary school, competitions for the most beautiful breasts, this power is fading away. Women are getting out of it. And men who are used to such a pattern of action are left with nothing.
That is why they come up with theories that women choose the 3 percent of the most attractive men, and they do not want others. Meanwhile, this is not true. You only have to meet certain requirements that men don’t want to meet. And they wander into other mistakes.”
THIRD ERROR: SELECTION
“I am unique, so I have unique requirements.”
“I’ve already reached that certain age when my brain has gone from: ‘I’d better not say it’ to ‘f...k it, we’ll see what happens.’”
Selection does not attract. Also, women – even if they don’t inject themselves with Botox and don’t put on permanent make-up – don’t like it when men treat those who do it with contempt. Perhaps this is an attempt to prove to the world how special you are. It is a desperate and ineffective attempt. “Perhaps men think: ‘I am special because I reject certain categories of women. Using the method: divide and conquer. Maybe I am not very handsome, not too tall, not too thin, but I am reluctant towards some women, e.g. Ukrainian women. You see such offers. ‘And no plus size women, no offence,’ says Dr. Katarzyna Szumlewicz. “At the same time, they are mortally offended and humiliated by the fact when women seek partners who are over 180 cm tall. Men should avoid instructing women at all costs. This is worse than declaring conservative views. I think that much more important than whether we agree in our worldview or interests is the declaration that someone just likes me from the start and is curious about me. If we are to establish a relationship, even a short one, there must be some kindness in it. It really doesn’t matter if she appreciates his sympathy for the early Pink Floyd records.
FOURTH ERROR: I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT EVERYTHING
‘PS. 182 cm (because it supposedly doesn’t matter). PS. 2 no worries: ONS, FWB, BMW, KFC, CKM, WOT and PiS are not for me. PMS and RBF probably too.’
In ‘New poems by famous poets’ by Grzegorz Uzdański we read that Tinder is ‘attributed’ to Ignacy Krasicki: ‘Jan has recently set up a Tinder account. He wrote everything as an honest man: about therapy and that he was taking drugs. That he has a strange hobby experimenting with urine (...) to be fair, he started to wait for matches/He would wait a long time before it catches.’
There is nothing more boring than a man telling the whole truth about himself. Especially if it is related to reluctance towards ex partners and takes up all the time devoted to getting to know each other together.
FIFTH ERROR: I HAVE A BIG DICK
‘Well, when you see a dog, you’ll definitely want to read this profile. But before you meet the dog, answer a few questions (...) About me? Is it important? And so I know that the most important thing is that I am over 180 cm tall and have a nice dick.’
Yes, many women have sex with multiple partners. Especially if they have gained confidence and experience. And thus they are also very good sexual partners. “It’s just that they must have some comfort, a sense of security. And a woman must not feel like a prey, like an enemy in all this,” Szumlewicz believes.
Declarations: ‘I have a big dick’ or ‘I know you’ll like me fucking you’ are not hits. And it’s not that they are perverse because there are many fans of different perversions.
Szumlewicz: “Such declarations assume that a woman will be a pawn in some game the man has invented.” And many women would probably agree to this ‘fucking’ if they were offered it some other way.
The misplaced narrative of male dating profiles has its roots in an ancient cultural usus that holds women in contempt. There are also pornographic patterns, especially for younger men.
“Porn breeds losers. No one educated in such images will win a real woman for longer. Even with a super-appearance,” says Szumlewicz.
SIXTH ERROR: INABILITY TO BE AN OBJECT
‘And I don’t send photos after a few words exchanged.’
Dating sites are like a supermarket. Women know perfectly well that they are a product on the shelves, men are convinced that they are choosing it. Meanwhile, they are also a commodity. And the sooner they realise that, the better. Because they had to learn it was a foregone conclusion when the woman on the screen said to the man: ‘I’ll fuck you’ (it is not known exactly when it happened).
According to Wojciech Kruczyński, learning is so slow at the moment, perhaps because in the conservative world, the only opportunity to experience being an object directly was through attempts at homosexual seduction.
“For some time now in erotic language, a woman can (and wants) to fuck a man. And unfortunately, when you are an object, you can be attracted but also repelled, so there is a fear of not even rejection, but exposure, and then we look for a guaranteed method. So I think that many of these ‘methods’ are the operation of the object, that is, an attempt to fit into women’s fantasies. As can be seen from the examples, it goes quite lame, but maybe the fantasies of modern women are hit by trial and error,” says Kruczyński. “Learning to enjoy being an object is a slow process. How can you not become an object despite being treated like one? I have the impression that women know much more about it. Of course, it could be repeating the same mistake in the hope of getting a different effect next time. Nothing can be done here. It can also be the exchange of sexual pleasure for the pleasure of mere fuss and rejection in advance – here you could look for reasons in the fear of impotence and looking for a submissive/transparent woman who will not spoil an erection and will be a kind of a masturbation accessory. This is quite a common male (boyish) fantasy, so exciting that it may be worth persevering in an uncertain market. After all, fantasies, by definition, are most exciting when they are unattainable.
Being an object to the best of your abilities, dear gentlemen, is often a better sex life for sure. Remember that women have more offers. But since women like monogamy (even if for several months), there is a chance for quite decent sex with them, as they become attached to one male body (even for a short time). Provided that they are not treated as an erotic resource ready at the beck and call.
To sum up:
The shortest guide to successfully building a dating profile:
+ learn to take good photos – take a photography course, not a pick up course (include three or four of them)
+ add your height – yes, it is important, even if you feel sad about it
+ let the woman figure out the rest. “Do not set anyone up as an object to be consumed in advance and let the fantasy of that person on the other side of the screen operate. Women have endured being fantasy material for so many years – men can also handle it,” believes Kruczyński.
And don’t add anything else, especially this message: ‘Quite important, I am infertile.”
Author: Krystyna Romanowska
Illustration: Marta Frej
The text was published in „Wolna Sobota” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 3 July 2021
