The End of Symbiosis

There is a lot of talk about the beginnings of breastfeeding, the difficulties associated with it, but also about the hormonal storm raging within us at that time. Lactation is an emotionally-swollen subject. What can determine the feelings that it evokes in us?

Breastfeeding is a sign of a very close relationship between a mother and her child. It also involves the high dependence of the child on the woman and this can trigger different experiences in the latter.

They depend, among other things, on how we ourselves experienced dependence and are linked to our early pre-verbal experiences. These are experiences that are written in our bodies, but we do not have easy access to them on a conscious level, for example through memories, because they were very early states of mind.

The dependence experienced in infancy defines our approach to whether the world is a good and safe place, and whether our needs can be met. Also – whether closeness is essentially a desirable state. Such experiences for a mother may influence how she approaches the subject of breastfeeding her child.

We’re talking about lactation being like a state of infatuation, but not for everyone, right?

Some women experience this act as a form of oppression and it is very difficult for them to talk about it. We all know today how important breastfeeding is, but what if a mum feels like her life is over with a successful lactation?

Our attitude to lactation also varies depending on pregnancy. For example, the first breastfeeding can be more difficult, especially from a technical point of view. And that also affects your feelings. Mums who find it harder to start breastfeeding may struggle with anxiety or guilt that they can’t handle it. But with more children, it can be easier and more pleasant. Moreover, an experienced mother already knows that this pleasure of a full symbiosis ends quickly. With the first child, we also seem to have this awareness, but it’s hard to believe in it.

The end of breastfeeding is unknown territory. It’s hard to draw the line at which you should start weaning. After all, this is also associated with a whole lot of feelings, often similar to what happens in us during grief.

It all depends on the experience of lactation. There are women who feel relieved when they stop breastfeeding. This is the case for mothers who value independence a lot – and there is nothing wrong with that.

However, there are also many women who associate breastfeeding with a state of bliss, and the thought of ending it is associated with loss. In this sense, we can indeed speak of grief as a reaction to an irreparable loss.

Mourning after we stop breastfeeding confronts us with topics such as separateness, as well as with the obvious truth that symbiosis, as a beautiful state, is limited in time. After all, the element of symbiosis appears at the beginning of falling in love. We are then excluded from conscious openness to the rest of the world, but this, however, somehow exhausts our resources. During weaning, apart from the real loss associated with it, we also face the fact that that’s the way life is – you cannot grasp certain things and hold onto them forever.

There is also fear for the child. Am I hurting them? Is it too soon?

Sensitive, present mothers respond empathetically to what is happening to the child and feel their frustration. Because it’s probably a real loss for the child, too. However, some of the feelings of sadness and anxiety that we may experience when weaning may come from the child. In psychology, we call this state projection and all of us use this defence mechanism from time to time. In this situation, it would mean that we see our longing in the child, the desire to be in a fusion, a good exchange.

It seems to me that the awareness that we see our feelings in the child can be liberating for the mother. If the child has a mother who has been planning weaning for a long time, who talks about it with her partner, imagines how it will be like, then plans all the steps to make it happen at the right time, it means that the child has a close, sensitive and empathetic caregiver in her. Fantasies about abandoning, hurting the child may come from the unconscious longing of a mother for an unconditional, undisturbed exchange.

Maybe things would be a little simpler if breastfeeding and weaning only concerned the relationship between the mother and the child. But after all, the subject of lactation is talked about in society and the mother experiences a whole lot of pressure from loved ones, experts or instagram influencers. How can you deal with that?

On the one hand, everyone says that breastfeeding is an intimate topic, and on the other hand – there are often people who always have some advice for the mother. It can be said that there are two clear voices. One is associated with the recently popular postulates of parental closeness. I would like to point out that I have nothing against such an approach, but I get the impression that some people may misunderstand these postulates and therefore feel guilty and unclear. The mother starts asking herself: can I make categorical decisions that affect the child? Is that good? Isn’t that oppressive?

In the light of developmental psychology, it is good when the parent is not afraid to take their place. This provides the child with a sense of security. A parent should not transfer responsibility for important matters to their child. And that’s where the end of breastfeeding comes in. I will point out here that if the mother decides that she is deliberately breastfeeding until natural weaning, that is okay. It will be the child’s decision, but in accordance with the mother’s assumptions. When an ambivalent mother waits uncertainly for the child to wean on their own it is more burdensome for the child than her firm decision.

The second voice is the circle of people who grew up on the previous educational model, for whom the fact that something is done at the child’s request is already suspicious and controversial. Then there are some evaluating questions: ‘Are you still breastfeeding? Isn’t it time to stop?’.

Sometimes the child is also shamed: ‘So big, and still sucking on a boob?’.

And in such a situation, the child should be protected from such comments by briefly stating that it is our decision.

In an ideal world, a mother knows that the moment she stops breastfeeding is her own decision. But in reality, it is difficult to be immune to these comments and contradictory information.

This knowledge that I have the right to listen to myself, that’s something, at least. Not all mums know that. I understand the difficulty of putting this into practice.

We mustn’t forget that we are talking about the reality of breastfeeding, so the woman is after a time of intense changes on many levels. In addition, her relationship with the child is also a living and changing matter – and between the first and second year of life the child already begins to show us their autonomy. However, it is good when a woman knows that it is her own decision, also for the sake of the child. Of course, it may happen that breastfeeding is interrupted, e.g. because the mother has to take some medication. That’s out of our hands.

I already know that it’s up to me to make this decision. However, how can you identify the right time?

We should take a look at what kind of a moment it is for the child and for us. For the child, it is optimal to wean gradually. Before the final decision, it is worth expanding our own and our child’s readiness for this separation by introducing new forms of closeness, new meals, other close people around the child.

If there have been any significant instabilities in the life of a child or family, such as moving, changing the nursery, a serious illness, it is worth holding off on the decision to wean, to look at the child, their readiness to change. And then it’s time for us – to what extent are we ready? Sometimes a woman feels this moment of readiness, but sometimes this decision is accompanied by a lot of ambivalence. When a mum decides to stop breastfeeding, but she is not sure about it, then she feels various emotions – despair, fear for the child. Then it is worth asking yourself a few helpful questions: what benefits do I have from breastfeeding? Maybe a lot of mums will realise that this is the only time they can rest for a moment. The next question is: why am I afraid of the frustration and anger of the child, which may accompany weaning? Because the child has every right to be angry. How much does it scare me? To what extent do I have to work through it? A nice way to analyse this is to replace the words ‘I have to’, ‘I can’t’ with ‘I want to’ and ‘I don’t want to’. It’s worth discussing this with yourself.

Can the partner be helpful?

The quality of the relationship is important, also for the child’s further development. How much support can I have in my partner? Doesn’t being close to him seem faint compared to this closeness with the child? Is there room for me to talk about how difficult it is for me to be accepted, listened to and understood? There is a time at which this strong love for the child fuels the maternal relationship for the future. It’s like with a marriage or a partnership – first a strong state of falling in love, but then you have to make room for a new quality. Including renewing closeness with your partner, because he, not the child, is ultimately our life companion.

Breastfeeding is also related to the topic of control – weaning is a loss of exclusivity of the relationship with the child for the mother. It doesn’t have to be, but it can be difficult. At the same time, however, this act of weaning is an important message for the child from the level of action, not content – we show it this way: you can do it yourself. And also: you have plenty of other close relationships, dad can also feed you. And that’s why it’s important to think that weaning can be about profit, not just loss. I give an adequate vision of the child, faith that they will calm down, that breasts are not irreplaceable. In this way I communicate that I see this child as becoming emancipated.

A husband or partner can function on two levels during weaning. First of all, be supportive of the woman so she has a space of understanding. And this is not obvious, because it is easy to lose this space when there is a little child. It’s so hard to have ten minutes to talk when we’re so tired. But it’s worth noting that we still function as a couple.

And secondly, he can actively engage in putting the child to sleep and getting up at night. We make a decision: we bear it together, no matter how hard it is these few nights.

Some mums decide to leave during weaning time.

This solution may work, because we do not provoke the child with the stimulus that we want to take from them. However, I would see the value in the fact that the mother and the child are closing this stage together. In this case, the mother’s presence is a signal for the child: we will get through this and we are doing this together. There can be many weaning scenarios, and the husband actively taking over getting up at night can be very helpful in each of them.

Barbara Smolińska, the head of Pracownia Dialogu [Dialogue Studio], said that if we want to wean the baby, we should do it consistently, decisively, honestly and with love. And what does this mean? That we’re not saying that milk is bad or that the baby can’t cry because the neighbour’s coming. It is up to us to decide, but also to accept the frustration and dissatisfaction of the child.

In weaning, the child’s negative emotions can terrify the mother. I once read that when a baby is crying, their grey cells die. Now that my daughter is crying, I see these poor grey cells through the eyes of my imagination.

We shouldn’t take this pop-psychology too seriously. You just have to live through the grief. Don’t try to pretend like nothing is happening and it’s not sad. It’s sad, and it’s going to be for a while.

You can say to yourself simply: yes, I have this grief in me, I will miss this kind of closeness, and these are my feelings. It doesn’t mean I’m hurting my baby. I’m with them. It is important to give the child space to experience their feelings, including frustration, dissatisfaction.

It may also be a little helpful to turn towards developmental theories. In psychodynamic theories, a lot is said about breastfeeding, but in the context of what phenomena of psychological nature it symbolises. The object – the image of a parent or guardian in the child’s mind – is to be tuned, present, and empathetically responsive. For a six-month-old child, an empathic response is probably breastfeeding, but later on, not necessarily.

Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, coined the term ‘a good enough mother’. Such a mother endures various emotional states of the child, including difficult and intense ones, and does not get back at the infant for them. This is not a woman who always gives the child her breast, for example, until the age of three.

Of course, crying, to which there is no reaction, is bad for the child. But crying, in which the child is covered not only by the mother’s arms, but also by her mind, is a completely different matter. She ‘lends’ the child her ability to regulate emotions. Of course, these conditions are difficult to endure. But I accept them and give them back to the child in such a form that they are acceptable and the little one is able to cope with them. Winnicott also talked about the fact that a good enough mother is one that allows the child to expand their autonomy.

Margaret Mahler, in turn, described the development of the child, their mental states. Between the 2nd and 5th month of life, there is a state of symbiosis and fusion. The child does not fully differentiate what is ‘me’ and what is the outside world, and then satisfying physiological needs and physical closeness is crucial because it creates the foundations for a sense of security in relationships.

However, as of the 5th month, we are already entering the phase of separation. The child starts to acquire the skills to separate from us. And that is exactly what its development should be like. Of course, with time, separation anxiety appears – because if my mother is a separate being, she may disappear. Then the child comes closer again and it takes place in waves – practising re-approaching. The mum’s job is to accept it all, which is to accept the fact that the little one separates and comes back again.

From the 24th to the 36th month there is a phase of consolidation, when the child develops a constant image of the object of love – imagines that their mother and her love are with them, even if this mother is not physically present. The child also sees the mother in a more complex way than just satisfying hunger and the need for physical closeness.

When weaning, it is unburdening to know that this is the direction of development and that the child is equipped quite early on with cognitive abilities that allow them to draw from the world differently.

But, of course, it is worth noting that it is not the case that a mother who breastfeeds a three-year-old does not allow this to happen, because it depends on the space that we give to breastfeeding in our relationship with the child. Whether by continuing breastfeeding we can still see how the child grows, acquires new skills within our relationship, whether we see their desire for independence, whether this feeding is in addition to various other forms of closeness. It should be kept in mind that breastfeeding is neither the only nor the best form of intimacy for a child who is older, but we can still practice it to our mutual advantage.

Many women can’t recognise the feelings they experience during weaning. It is sometimes fear, sadness, but also a sense of frustration, addiction and the desire to close the topic as soon as possible. Sometimes lactation is continued by force, even though it only arouses resentment in us, then weaning is fast and violent.

What makes weaning difficult is that all these extreme emotions can occur at the same time.

The relief that new possibilities are opening up for us (e.g. evening outings), and the sadness that this undisturbed and unique exchange is coming to an end.

As mothers, we can be more or less aware of these feelings. Sometimes they may be expressed in our actions, e.g. in good, loving mothers, feelings such as resistance to giving the child a spoon may appear – because this is a step towards independence.

And sometimes it’s just too hard for a mum to wean in a conscious and gradual way. And we shouldn’t be judging that, either.

However, it is optimal to do it gradually and consciously. If we are sad, we shouldn’t be afraid that the child will see our sadness. In such a situation, however, it is important that we do not expect the child to take care of our malaise.

If a woman feels that breastfeeding causes growing frustration, and yet it is difficult for her to imagine that she could end it, the questions I have mentioned may be helpful.

A good end to breastfeeding involves accepting the idea that we can be together, close, but not in fusion. If we have this feeling, the child will also be equipped with it, with a beautiful gift – faith in their independent development.

   

 

Ewa Kledyńska, psychotherapist, works in the psychodynamic current, member of the Dialogue Studio team

Author:  Agata Komosa-Styczeń

Illustrated by Magdalena Pankiewicz

The text was published in „Wysokie Obcasy” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 4 December 2021