The Generous Woman is fed up
Recently, a great piece appeared on one of my favourite women’s websites, “Wiedźma radzi” (Witch’s Advice): “I love my nice colleagues and please stop trying to convince me that they are mentally and emotionally underdeveloped individuals, unable to grasp the complexities of interpersonal communication (...). That, being a woman, one must feel their slightest vibrations, watch the delicate tuning fork of their soul carefully, creatively interpret every grunt and murmur. Find out the unsaid, and always to the benefit of the taciturn. You know, he meant well, but he didn’t know how to say it. No way. Stop falling for this. After all, it was men who wrote songs, sonnets and epigrams for centuries because of their access to education. Poems with iambs and trochees.” And I remembered that two years ago we wrote the book “A man without guilt and shame”, in which we made probably the first analysis in Poland of the phenomenon of “a cool man living at the expense of a woman, who is also happy with it – up to a point”. We called her the Generous Woman. The one who, in addition to supporting a man, cares for his fragile ego. Are such relationships still dominant?
Such relationships are doing great. I would say that our times are getting more and more favourable. Encouraging men to openly express their weakness, not to be afraid of crying and to admit that they do not have to be tough, but rather sensitive beings with a wide range of feelings, began several years ago as part of settling accounts with the patriarchy. And that’s good. Excessive toughness is harmful and leads to nervous breakdowns. But at the same time, by the way and unexpectedly, we men got something extremely pleasant and tempting: a new path to the SSF, the Soft Side of the Force. It turns out that there is no shame, ridicule or feeling of disappointing someone.
Just the opposite, I bet.
In place of these fear-exaggerated threats, there is female compassion, care and joy that the male finally speaks with a human voice. What a relief! So since we have this new skill and this new, soft and warm welcome instead of patriarchal comments: “You are such a pussy”, why not see how far it goes?
It’s not even about cynicism or inborn selfishness – it’s just that if some area of the psyche is suppressed by external rules, as soon as they get out of the cage, the need to compensate for many years of losses resulting from the forced attitude of Arnold Schwarzenegger appears. As well as to further explore the area of the recovered Soft Side of the Force in order to see its possibilities and scope.
And the possibilities are enormous because there are at least a hundred women ready to look after every lost, sensitive man with puppy eyes. In addition, they are delighted that they have not found a boor practising three-minute sexual intercourse.
A reader of my favourite women’s website wrote this: “A long time ago it was a model of survival, women had no rights to property, education, and many professions, so they learned to be resourceful enough to survive, so that the male would not hit them over the head with a club or smash them against the wall of a cave. And so it stayed and continues that way (…). Guys are interested in how to make their lives easier, and we are interested in how to make their lives easier, so don’t be surprised that they have rights and we have obligations.”
One of the greatest human needs is to “maintain the relationship, not to break contact”. It is partially a remnant of the past, of experiences of neglect, rejection or even abuse. The more bruised a child is, the more dependent they are in adult life, the more they strive for contact and closeness at all cost. Of course, we all want this contact – but some are willing to pay an exorbitant price for it. So if a woman senses that a “cared for” man gives up the thought of hitting on all the women in the world for her, then emotionally she is unable to reject such an offer. Over-caring for the fragile male ego is a guaranteed way to keep many of today’s men in a relationship, at least temporarily. Also a way to avoid loneliness and the feeling of “I’m good for nothing, nobody wants me”.
Bitter, but feels real.
In our modern, liberal and conscious society, there are still women who cry that they “don’t belong to anyone”, while realising how strange such a statement sounds.
But the problem is probably not in taking care of the male ego, but more so in the fact that nothing comes of it. Women do not receive the expected payback in the form of commitment, concern or erotic delight.
We give our best in the semi-conscious expectation that the other person will react in a similar way – but it is often the case that the more one person gives, the more the other takes. And these most generous people then react with the conviction that if there is no reciprocity, it is because what they offered was of poor quality. So you have to offer more, faster, better.
And does the male ego become more and more fragile then? I don’t know if it’s justified, but I have associations with an erection.
Absolutely correct. The process of “caring for” a man is also an unconscious process of castrating him. Many Generous Women are unaware that they actually mother their partner because they experience a rather childish fear of breaking ties, and their sacrifice is meant to remove that fear. At the same time, the partner does not necessarily feel castrated because when the Generous Woman takes on his tasks, he is not aware of his shortcomings. If a man notices any deficiency, it is rather in a woman who does not manage to handle her two jobs – work and home – as she should.
But this deal cannot last long.
Its unpleasant consequences appear later. A man who is used to the fact that someone steps in and bends over his sensitivity becomes weaker and weaker, unprepared to take responsibility for the relationship or face life challenges, even professional and fatherly ones. Usually, he dreams of a job that would be fun and bring good money – which happens quite rarely. Convenience is tempting, but it softens us, deprives of the hunting instinct, the readiness to take risks.
I would not like to create the impression that an overprotective woman is entirely responsible for this, we are just looking at it through her eyes now. After all, there are men who, after the first wave of careless use of the Generous Woman’s sacrifice, will get over this and take care of their ego. But I wouldn’t count on it.
How to get out from under this metaphorical club, break with the fetish of constantly caring for him? What is the correct amount of care, without over-caring?
Over-caring is a side effect of the Generous Woman’s fear of breaking up. Therefore, the solution is not to regulate the level of care for your partner because it is like treating a cold by wiping your nose. One has to investigate the causes of anxiety. Understand why maintaining a relationship is at the top of the hierarchy of needs. Generous Women tell me something like this in my office: “I thought when I find a man, I would be happy.” So all their hope for satisfaction with their own life is located in the presence of another person. “When HE appears, my life will be perfect.” Then the reverse of this equation is: “When HE does not appear (or when HE leaves), I will be unhappy forever.” It’s basically a standard definition of dependency. That is why they fight so hard and hopelessly day and night because it might not be good, but it could be much worse.
What does it look like in practice? Satisfaction and pleasure in relationships can be roughly divided into external and internal. They are easy to identify by imagining your first date. You can go there in search of external pleasure: he will like me, he will love me, he will be infatuated, he will notice what I have inside me, etc. To get these bonuses, you can control your behaviour by showing only those sides that bring you closer to the external satisfaction that can more generally be referred to as acceptance. The more we construct such a temporary, seductive personality, the more difficult it will be in the relationship when we fail to pretend. The second strategy of going on a first date focused on inner satisfaction is completely different: I will go and not be charmed, I know my weak points and I will not let him touch them, I will keep my own opinion and presence of mind, even when the sirens sing at their best, I will try to be clear about who I am dealing with, even if it means an abrupt end to the meeting. With this attitude, it doesn’t hurt to break a relationship, but you can feel a kind of pride and gratitude for taking care of yourself.
It turns out that social change, equality and partnership are losing out to our internal needs to be in a relationship.
In the practice of partnerships, a reasonable mix of these two types of satisfaction works best. Leaning too much towards external satisfaction usually results in an unhappy relationship, while leaning towards internal satisfaction reduces the chance of a relationship in general, although at the same time it can be extremely attractive if there is an equally independent personality on the other side of the table. Coming back to the question of over-caring: if you want and know how to use both types of satisfaction, then there will be no over-caring in the relationship because you will invest in yourself the part of the care that could possibly be an excess, and then the partner will have his own area to care for himself.
Suppose we’re on this date with a male ego in front of us. How can you tell which one is fragile?
There is a saying: I had two friends and I lost both – one because I never talked to them about them, and the other – because I never talked to them about me. In fact, you could measure how much time the attention was on their side and how much was on your side on a watch. Who took more space carelessly? Did you feel more attractive during the meeting, or did you react to the man with the kind of affection that is typical of children? Was he complaining about his previous partners? Have you accepted behaviours that you don’t really like? Who ended the meeting, him or you? If you waited for him to do it, maybe you already felt the fear of breaking the relationship, even for a short time? There is no completely effective recipe here because the Fragile Male Ego and the Generous Woman attract each other as strongly as they do unconsciously.
Are they stuck with each other?
To some extent, but this risk can be avoided by assuming as a possible option that the expected partner will not show up, and thinking what to do with your own life in that case. What to do, how to spend time, what to like. Finding your own activities raises your well-being and self-esteem, so even when someone shows up, it won’t be necessary to raise your self-esteem by persistently keeping him with you. If you do not have your own world, there is a high probability that you will adapt to your partner’s preferences – if you have your own area of activity that you do not want to let go of because it has become part of you, then the other person will have to think about how to adapt to you and how to find himself in your world. This willingness excludes the fragile ego, which needs to be maintained at all times. It also means a lot of commitment, and that’s what you miss, right? If so, your over-caring deprives your partner of an opportunity to make an effort because this is how he can shape himself as a man.
Are Generous Women fed up? How do they talk about it in psychotherapy?
Sooner or later they become fed up. However, they rarely come because they feel overwhelmed by the care of the fragile male ego. Usually they come because, for example, they have seen how their partners can be charming and seductive – but towards another woman. When they see that he is able to effortlessly offer other women his time in inexhaustible quantities what they can hardly squeeze out of him every now and then. It hurts the most – this is the moment when the Generous Woman realises that her investment of commitment and dedication, sometimes for many years, has been wasted. These are the consequences of over-caring in an inherently erotic relationship. Then the following sentence is usually uttered: “If I were less dependent, I would leave him.” It usually means a breakthrough and a new opening – and it is not about another man. The point is that it is not like before, it is different, with more care for yourself.
Wojciech Kruczyński - psychoterapeuta
Autorka: Krystyna Romanowska
Ilustracja: pexels.com
The text was published in „Wolna Sobota” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 12 June 2021
