This is their time
Until a few years ago they had to be forced to see a therapist. And these were mostly their children who forced them. They only came when they were on the verge of depression. Now, they come of their own free will. Some simply want to live better, because their good life has just begun.
Yes, in my opinion, there is a definite generational shift. My patients include women born in the 1960s. This is the generation aware of their needs. They know who they are and what they expect. They come of their own accord, motivated by their own intrinsic needs. In the past (although it still happens sometimes), women over 60 were brought into the therapist’s office by their relatives – because "my mother-in-law is depressed, her husband died" or "she's in bad shape, because illness runs in the family". Now, I can see a definite change – women are coming, because new opportunities are offered to them. In the past, their only prospect was to stay at home and wait for their funeral. And today? Seeing how they look, how they act, they don't come to me to sum up their life – they come to learn what to do next.
And take a look at what they look like!
Fit, blonde hair in a ponytail, wearing sneakers and cool dresses, energetic, smiling, with iPhones in their hands. They often come to me from distant places, then go to art or dance classes or 60+ speed dating events.
What has actually happened that no one needs to force them to go to therapy any more?
They feel that they are the masters of their own lives and no one has the right to decide for them. They know they can find help and they are not afraid to ask for support. They are motivated, confident about themselves and their abilities. We're talking about a whole cross-section of women – from professors to shop assistants. My patients don't just include well-educated women who occupy professional positions. That idea is bullshit, that's totally not the case here.
They come with issues related to the full experience of humanity: their loved ones pass away, they have some climacteric problems, but they are also in romantic relationships, they divorce, love, experience losses, have conflicts with their children. They come with the same problems that the younger generation has, plus issues like the loss of loved ones. I recently worked with a patient with whom we had scheduled several sessions. The reason? She couldn't deal with the fact that she was constantly losing someone. Her husband was a little older than her, and so were her friends. At least, once every six months, she attended a funeral – the people around were started to pass away. These are so-called development situations, but they also have this simply human, feminine aspect as well.
Optimists or pessimists? What is their mental state?
When a person comes and wants to start therapy, this very fact is a proof of a pretty strong self preservation instinct. They often want to change something. They lost their husbands and want to continue living well. They have a new partner and want things to be different than before. And sometimes, in their 60s they meet... the woman of their life. And they take advantage of the liberty of having that kind of a relationship, they want to share their life with that woman. It may be that time of their life when they fully explore their sexuality on every level. They also begin to understand the sexuality of others better, such as their loved ones. I had a patient who rejected her gay son years ago (who had been in a relationship with his partner for years) and is only now beginning to understand that that decision was wrong. She is struggling and wants to reconnect with her son. She is going to reach out to him and try to repair their relationship.
I think this is the generation of women who, when they were young with children, got into the free market ideology, liberalism and everything that went along with it. That meant work, work, work, feminism, patriarchy and the beginning of gender equality, which was an illusion back then. They carried the burden of social changes on their shoulders. Do they regret having devoted too much to their work?
Most often they had no other choice. Even now, most of them do not spend their lives in cosy retirement and come to therapy out of boredom, they are still professionally active. They hold different posts. They also feel that they are now paying the price for this intense professional work in the past: their adult children have grudges against them for their dedication to work. And when they recall their lives as mothers, they say that they were in survival mode most of the time back then. It must have been really tough: on the one hand, the necessity to work full-time, on the other, virtually no support from their partner, also busy ‘building capitalism’ in the early 1990s. No wonder that when they take stock of their life, they have mixed feelings – the experiences were both sweet and bitter. Depending on what area of life they are referring to in therapy. I'm thinking now about women who have come out of violent relationships. I have two patients in therapy who did not decide to end such a relationship until they were in their 60s. Interestingly, this happened with the help of the women’s NGOs, in which they found the right support. They say openly that they were unable to separate before and that they regret it very much. They were incredibly lonely in their dramatic stories. There’s one story that will stay with me forever: a patient came to undergo therapy and during our first consultation, she confessed that she had no one to share her joy with. “What happened?" I asked. “My husband died," she replied. At first, I was convinced that she was displacing grief, but she quickly put me right. It turned out that the moment her husband – a violent alcoholic – died was the best day of her life. She couldn't get away from him because her mother said, “Without him, you're nothing," and kicked her out of her home when she was pregnant so she would go back to him. Remember, this generation grew up at a time when women were really dependent on men. And only now, around the age of 60, have they gained independence.
Do they feel independent, but also lonely?
It depends. They often come to me, because they have no one to talk to, and there are some things they don't want to talk about with their girlfriends. Their relationships with their children vary a lot. Most have left and live in other worlds, have their own lives that they do not understand. Interestingly, there are children who blame their mothers and hold grudges against them for belonging to the Communist Party. They are ashamed of this. They completely fail to take into account that many of them behaved in such a way only to make sure that their children could grow up in decent conditions. Some of my patients experience grief and mourning for the loss of their children 40 years ago. It is only years later that grief over the death of children is allowed in social awareness. Now, they allow themselves to fully experience it. One of my 60+ year old patients lost two children due to a genetic defect. Another one had similar experiences. Back then, when their children were dying, no one asked about mourning, grief, sorrow. Both patients had their own symbolic rituals to remind them of their loss. One woman would visit and clean the graves of her children. The other wore a clover or heart shaped pendant all her life – no one knew it had a symbolic value to her. And it is only now that they have time for tears. But the tears also come when their strategies for coping with depression stop working.
What are the strategies?
Above all, activity, work, not paying attention to their needs. Once they realize they’ve been "running on empty" (the husband passed away, the children left home), they start to feel that their mental health is deteriorating. Some also come with a drinking problem that has been there – sometimes – since, like, forever, and is a matter of great shame, since the image of a drunk woman does not fit into the definition of a respectable person. Yet they are starting to talk about it more and more often – they are ashamed, but they are telling the truth. Some of them may also be addicted to benzodiazepines. After all, back then doctors used to prescribe relanium as a remedy for every sleepless night – so sometimes they also want to break free from this addiction. Not to mention the rather serious issue that there’s a socially prevailing myth that older generations do not suffer from depression. This is obviously not true. The fact is that the elderly are still worried about being labelled mentally ill, which is not the case with younger generations any more – young people have no problem with admitting that they are depressed. We are ingrained with an image of an elderly person with a bag of pills – if something ails them, they take a pill.
What is more, as you said, psychotherapy is stereotypically considered the solution for the young. The elderly are miserable, because they think about death, they have already lived their lives – so what’s left? As it turns out, they also commit suicide, like one 70-year-old woman from Ursynów, Warsaw who killed herself.
This is stereotypical thinking: a grandmother/mother (grandfather/father) is depressed, they stay in their summer house or spends all day in front of TV – well, they do that, because what else are they to do? Meanwhile, depression has no age, and the family should take an interest in an elderly person who feels low longer than a few weeks and the condition is not caused by any loss (remember, mourning is not depression). In my experience, families are more likely to take an ill person to a psychiatrist instead of a psychotherapist. What is more, a pill is considered more effective than long-term therapy, whereas, depression is treated in two ways – pharmacologically and therapeutically. Let me say that once again: therapy is for everybody, no matter the age. I recently had a patient, an elderly lady who came with her daughter after watching the Polish version of the TV series "Without Secrets" starring Stanisława Celinska. “That's my story," she told me. As a therapist, I believe in the educational power of TV series in the area of mental health, especially in the case of the older generations.
How do you find your work with elderly women in therapy?
It’s very good. They easily form relationships, quickly connect with other people – after all, they come from a generation where interpersonal relationships were very important. They willingly talk about their lives and, if they come of their own accord, they never say, “I'm too old for a change." They want changes and relatively quickly achieve them.
Are these modern seniors? Senior women version 2.0?
To me, the term "senior" doesn't fit them at all. Especially since – as I mentioned before – they look vital, great and young. There is also a group of women who say they don't want to be grandmothers. They assume the role of a grandmother, but refuse to let it define them as people. Their son or daughter believes that it's obvious that when a mother retires, she will take care of her grandchildren. And then the mother says, “No, I'm not doing that.”
In my opinion – in the social context – they are more involved and active than teenagers, who spend all their time on their computers or smartphones. They jog in parks, practise Tai Chi, meet new people. During extracurricular studies or psychotherapy courses, I meet students who are in their 60s. You definitely see more female than male seniors in fitness clubs. They’ve taken the leap: they don’t get perms and don’t wear shoulder padded jackets any more. And the men – well, they still wear those four-button jackets.
Michał Pozdał – psychotherapist, sexologist. Lecturer at the University of Social Sciences and Humanities. Founder of the Institute of Psychotherapy and Sexology in Katowice. Together with Agata Jankowska, he wrote the book "Męskie sprawy. Życie, seks i cała reszta” ["Men's business. Life, sex and all the rest"]
Author: Krystyna Romanowska
Illustration: Marta Frej
The text was published in „Wysokie Obcasy” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 26 June 2021
