What can you do in bed instead of penetration? For the first time in my life, I derived such joy from sex. No insecurities, no taboos
You give each position a name. For example, ‘knock, knock, knock’. Can you explain what it is about?
You should fold your lips as if you were kissing, press them against the clitoris, put your tongue out and ‘tap’ it gently on the glans. Imagine you are a sex toy with speed control.
And the ‘peck’?
If your partner can’t afford to buy the vibrator that everyone is talking about now, you can try doing the same movements with your mouth, imitating sucking. It’s easy. Start by puckering up your lips, press them against the clitoris and suck. The sound will resemble running water from the sink, but that’s okay. You can do this very quickly by alternately sucking in and blowing in air.
I’m curious about that vibrator everyone’s talking about.
It’s a vibrator/massager from Womanizer. It’s not a huge penis like in sex shops, but a small device that sucks the clitoris thanks to Pleasure Air technology.
Sexologists in France love your book. They say it can serve as an excellent manual for their female patients. Sex education in practice. They all emphasise how great it is that you have illustrated your sex book in a completely non-vulgar way. Meanwhile, in Poland, the book will appear in a wrapper concealing the original cover, which features drawings of penises and vulvae.
And at the newsstand next to the bookshop, you can definitely buy ‘Playboy’ or another erotic magazine – without any wrapper! My book has been translated into 12 languages, including Chinese, Japanese, Russian, and so far its cover hasn’t been censored anywhere. In the English and Portuguese versions there are indeed no penises or vulvae, only a hand and index finger touching the vagina. But at first, even in France, it wasn’t easy. Publishers weren’t interested until my illustrations became a huge success on Instagram. Some bookshops didn’t want to display the book in their windows, but then everyone figured out that since there was a need – we’ve sold 250,000 copies so far – there was nothing to be ashamed of.
How did this book even get written?
One day my lover asked me where a particular spot in my vagina was located. I didn’t know. I found a website where everything was explained, but I understood little of it. It was written in stiff, almost medical language. And there were no drawings. So I drew my own hand and fingers that go deep into the vagina and touch that particular spot he was asking about. He immediately understood what it was about, we started experimenting and it was really fun. For the first time in my life, I derived such joy from sex. No insecurities, no taboos. Only it wasn’t so good for him. Occasionally I would stop during intercourse because he had just touched, kissed or licked me in a place I didn’t know before, and I wanted to draw it. ‘Stop scribbling in your notebook and come back to me!’, he would complain. Having sex with me at the time must have been annoying. But I actually started creating ‘Bliss Club’ for selfish reasons. I was missing an instruction manual for my body. I couldn’t imagine then that thousands of people around me were experiencing the same frustration, the same sense of lacking something. When I set up my Instagram account, made my first drawings, and saw how quickly the number of followers grew, I felt less alone.
Is that when you discovered your clitoris? Many women don’t even know where it is.
Yes. Thanks to the Internet in 2018. I was almost 40 years old at the time. No one had mentioned it before.
No wonder, since even in French school textbooks the clitoris was not marked until 2017.
Yes, it also disappeared from dictionaries for a very long time, mainly due to Freud’s research according to which adult women should restrain their lusts connected with this organ and develop the desire for penetration. I don’t like the word ‘vagina’, which has become a symbol of femininity. The vagina is an orifice, and I don’t just want to be a ‘hole’. I prefer the word ‘vulva’, I don’t care that some people say it’s unattractive. ‘Vulva’ is no uglier a word than ‘penis’. I am very keen not to create new stereotypes, but to call a spade a spade.
Please explain what the vulva – in Polish we also say ‘srom’ – and the vagina are.
Vulva is the term for the outer part of the female genitalia. It consists of, among others, the pubic mound, two outer and two inner labia, the clitoris and the vestibule of the vagina. The vagina is the last section of the female reproductive system. Adjacent to it is the cervix.
Do French women use the word ‘vulva’?
Some of them. I encourage that, I hope there will be more of us. I assure you that all you have to do is get used to it. Say it a hundred times: vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva. And that’s it. There are other words related to our anatomy that need to be restored. I drew them all in the book. Instead of saying ‘Bartholin’s gland’, which is responsible for the production of the mucus that appears during sexual arousal, I prefer the greater vestibular gland, because it reflects its location on the body map well. Bartholin was the ‘discoverer’ of this organ, he described it in the 18th century. The same goes for the Skene’s glands – it’s better to say the paraurethral glands, if only because that way I know where my urethra is. It is important that women have the tools to describe reality.
There is also the G-spot. For Gräfenberg, the third ‘discoverer’.
The area commonly referred to as the ‘G-spot’ corresponds to the area of the front wall of the vagina, which is not particularly sensitive but is recognisable because of its rough texture. What is really interesting about it is that it’s located near the conjunction of the vestibular bulbs, the base of the clitoral body, and the paraurethral glands. In a nutshell: the G-zone is not a point in the vagina, but rather points to the conjunction of clitoral crura. Additionally, each of us is built differently, so I encourage all ladies to masturbate and touch themselves in intimate places. Everything I’m talking about – using the right vocabulary, knowing the anatomy – these are tools of empowerment, of regaining control of ourselves with our bodies. Small gestures can make a real difference, such as reducing the pain of women who will finally be able to tell their gynaecologist where it hurts.
In Polish, we don’t have a good word for female oral sex. On the Internet I found the following suggestions: cunnilingus, French love, minette, frying pan (!), exploring, stroking the mouse, licking the thimble, pussy-licking, pressing the button, rolling the ball [literal translations of Polish expressions]. I couldn’t find any word that satisfied me. How do French women deal with this?
We say ‘cunnilungus’, ‘cuni’ for short. This is a fairly widely accepted word that is neither shocking nor vulgar. It’s used in casual conversations, but I still think French women are rather prudish. For example, hardly anyone walks around naked in their homes. Female friends are embarrassed to undress or pee in front of each other. We talk about sex, but we don’t tell each other the details because that’s the so-called intimate life of the relationship. It’s not appropriate. And certainly only few admit that they don’t have orgasms. After all, it would mean that something is wrong with their partners and women cover for men. We think it’s our fault, and it can be swept under the rug. We clench our teeth.
We’re keeping up the façade?
Yes. Few of us admit, for example, that we force ourselves to have sex because otherwise the guy will get offended. Rather, we say that it is great, we have kick-ass orgasms like the women in ‘Cosmopolitan’ articles. And then our female friends feel guilty because they are the ones who don’t have orgasms – as, by the way, the majority of heterosexual women during vaginal intercourse – but they say nothing out of shame. The circle closes. It used to be like that when I was a teenager. It’s better now, at least in France. Young women rebel and say loudly: we want sex that we enjoy. We don’t get pleasure in bed. The problem is that heterosexual men – not all, but most of them – are unfortunately unwilling to question their skills.
And needs.
That too. They don’t know what else would please them, and they don’t want to think about it, even if the statistics are clear. When I asked my followers on Instagram – there are almost a million of them – how many of them have orgasms and what kind of orgasms they are, even I was surprised by the results: out of 20,000 respondents, only 13% replied that they reach climax during penetration. 87% reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Other studies report that only 6% of women experience pleasure through penetration.
Meanwhile, 90% of heterosexual intercourse in Poland is vaginal. Why do women lie about being satisfied when they are not?
Just talking about the possibility of a different approach to sex can make some men angry, because it means that they are being accused of doing something wrong. For centuries, a woman had to be submissive, nice and had to spread her legs wide and let herself be penetrated. We suddenly opened our mouths, but not all of us just yet. Some are still afraid, they don’t want to strain the fragile male ego. We’re great at taking care of others: making them feel good, so that they don’t worry, don’t get angry. Keeping them satisfied. Full. And this is also the case with sex. During intercourse, women think more often about how to make a man feel pleasure. They put their own needs aside. Getting into a discussion is a lot of work, and a woman already has more on her plate than a guy.
In French, you have terms for women’s invisible work...
‘La charge mentale’, that is, thinking about everything all the time to ensure the proper functioning of the house. Laundry done, permission for the child’s school trip signed, rent paid, a pot of soup in the fridge, even for unexpected guests, holiday scheduled two months in advance. You just forgot to load the dishwasher. ‘It’s better not to leave plates in the sink for so long. Why didn’t you tell me this morning that you needed help?’, your husband asks you when he gets home from work, and you feel like screaming. Where’s the time for an open talk about sex? You have to prepare for it, speak in such a way as not to offend the man: ‘You’re great, but I need something new, don’t worry, it’s not you, it’s me…’. Another task on a loooong list. And if you simply say: ‘I don’t like it, I hardly ever do and haven’t had an orgasm in years’, there will be a row.
So how did you handle it?
I don’t feel like sleeping with men any more. After almost 20 years, I’ve had enough. I have not yet found a partner willing to explore new worlds with me. They all clung to their egos and old patterns, though at first they were curious. So now I sleep with women and have a lot more orgasms. Besides, it has been proven that women in non-heterosexual relationships climax more often. The new generation in France doesn’t have as many insecurities as we do. Young people experiment more, gender is less important to them. I’m glad, because I was really fed up with explaining to my partners what I really need. Now I believe that if men don’t get it and don’t want to change – the only thing left is to boycott.
But ‘Bliss Club’ can be a great tool for couple communication, including heterosexual couples.
Yes, and it makes me happy. I secretly dream of dethroning the Kama Sutra because it is very limited and restrictive. And my book was created because I was bored in bed. It’s been the same over and over again for years, even though the partners have changed. Foreplay, intercourse, ejaculation. The scenario kept repeating itself. If oral sex occurred, it was only to prepare the ‘ground’ for penetration. After intercourse – bang! – inhale, orgasm, climax, exhale. And that’s that. Game over, we go to sleep. It felt like I had endless déjà vu.
Why is that so?
Penises dominate vulvae in porn films and we imitate it, pathetic fools. Penetration is so important that something like ‘foreplay’ was even invented. There’s foreplay, and then there’s sex – real sex. Even in Hollywood films it’s always the same. A heterosexual couple sheds their clothes, he passionately sits her on the kitchen table, penetrates her and of course they have an orgasm together. She’s screaming. There are few films that show female orgasm through oral sex.
So when do you think the sexual act begins?
When two or more people decide on it. Sex can be a massage, oral caresses, erotic texting. Anything that both partners enjoy.
What do you like about sex?
You’ll laugh, but I love penetration. I just want it to be a part of sex, not the main course. Honestly, I’m obsessed with sex, I love making love because it’s like meditation, only much easier to do. Just let go of control and you can experience the most enjoyable moment – for body and soul. It’s nice to be able to access pleasure so easily. It’s a beautiful thing.
You write in your book that in our culture we often use the word ‘nymphomaniac’, but we never use...
Satyr! The male equivalent of the word.
Then why is it not used?
Because a man seems to feel like it all the time, he is always ready for sex, which proves his masculinity. A man is just a man, not a satyr. While a woman’s desire for sex is not so ‘feminine’ any more. It’s nymphomania.
And that’s a nice word anyway, because I know other, more commonly used terms. Because words are very important.
Of the highest importance! I propose a return to the original words, which for unclear reasons are being replaced in our society with diminutives or vulgarisms. So if there’s an arm, a leg, and a stomach, there should also be a penis, testicles, a vulva, a vagina, a clitoris.
And in conversations with children?
I talk to my 7-year-old without embarrassment, using ordinary, anatomical words. Of course, I adjust his sex education to his age, there will be a time for everything.
How does your family react to your success?
My brother is against it, he doesn’t like what I do. Mum is ok, and dad doesn’t say anything, he hasn’t read the book because, as he confessed to me, ‘he didn’t want to imagine it’. In my home, sex was taboo, I discovered everything on my own. If it weren’t for my grandmother, my passion for drawing would not have been born. My childhood drawings did not stand out, but not for my grandmother: she kept telling me that I had an exceptional talent. I believed her. When I draw, I feel the same thing I feel during sex – peace. I operate on autopilot and it relaxes me a lot.
What’s the most important thing you discovered thanks to ‘Bliss Club’?
That penetration-oriented sex is really a trap for all of us, both men and women. Most women do not enjoy it, and men too feel enormous pressure to keep having a hard penis to penetrate for hours, while many suffer from lack of erection, premature erection, not to mention older men who take Viagra by the handful. What’s all this for? What’s the point? Isn’t it better to spice things up, get your imagination going, have some fun and really make each other happy?
Author: Anna Pamuła
Illustrated by Marta Frej
The text was published in „Wysokie Obcasy” a magazine of „Gazeta Wyborcza” on 5 February 2022
