When a boy hears that he should not cry, he feels that he has not lived up to his parents' expectations

Anna Woźniak: We've been hearing a lot lately about empowering girls to grow up to be brave and independent women. But how do we raise boys so that they become their future partners?

Ewa Sękowska-Molga, psycholożka: Are you asking me how to raise your son to be a wise and sensitive man?

Yes, that's one way to phrase the question.

Women are growing strong, and that's very good! What can men do in this situation? Probably just be themselves and do their best. It is true that expectations towards men are changing, but we are still primarily looking for independence, responsibility, support and courage in them. For some time now, this package has been supplemented with sensitivity, i.e. the ability to show emotions, talk about them and deal with them.

So is the saying "boys don't cry" out of date?

Every baby cries – and this is normal. Tears are a healthy way to show sadness or disappointment. There is no division: girls can cry and boys cannot. They also have tears, and when they hear that they shouldn't cry or that it's not masculine, they feel that they haven't lived up to their parents' expectations.

However, before we start talking about upbringing, we should remember that it all begins with us, parents. For our sons, we are a mirror in which they look at themselves every day. Mainly dads are mirrors for their sons (although the mother figure is also very important). So I would focus on the message given by a dad or another man in the family. When he requires something from a child, does he prove it through deeds? When saying: "Clean up after yourself," does he do it himself? An example is always better than talking.

It is worth considering whether dad shows love for mum and the children, or spends time with them. The son looks at him and will do the same. Or he won't. Sometimes fathers have trouble apologising to their sons if they do something wrong. It's a pity, because by doing this they don't teach them the important skills of admitting guilt and apologising. However, they show their superiority over the child and that they do not take him seriously.

What if there is no dad?

Then it is more difficult, unfortunately. You can look for an uncle, grandfather, and there are even institutions of male guardians, for example students who go to the pitch with a boy to play football or just spend time with him. However, it is not certain that if a boy has contact with his grandfather, uncle or dad, he will become a wise man. It all depends on the model he receives.

You talk about showing affection, but not all dads are effusive.

Of course not. And they cannot be forced to be that way. Then the mum or a grandmother can be the ones who talk about their feelings and show them. A good solution is also to support yourself with books about emotions. The characters may behave differently in a given situation and this is inspiring for the child.

Coming back to the male model. We should encourage our sons to help with the male household chores. It is important that father and son do something together. It's not about learning how to repair a tap or how to assemble cabinets, but that he should be with his father, so that they work hand in hand. And praise him (or both of them) for his willingness and commitment.

Sons watch their fathers, but don't always turn into copies of them. Many adults have a problem with that, because "How is it possible that I love football and my son is not interested in it at all. Instead, he prefers to go to art classes."

Parents can encourage, show different activities, but it is the child who chooses what they want to do. If he prefers to go to art classes instead of playing football, then you have to accept it. We don't dictate who or what the child should be like. Acceptance is another important aspect of raising a future man. Firstly, in this way, he has a chance to grow into a happy person, and secondly, in his adult life he will be able to accept the choices of others.

What if our son's behaviour seems "unmasculine" to us?

It is not worth believing in stereotypes that a boy can handle anything and be macho. We shouldn't make him out to be a superhero. Instead of worrying that he is not brave or too shy, for example, it is better to see the qualities that are unique to him.

Set an example, read wise books, and talk about emotions. How else can we influence a young man?

Instead of playing smart: “At your age, I knew this, I knew that. And what about you?" it's better to share your own experience, "When I was in second grade, I didn't talk to the older boys, I felt ashamed. But when I finally had the courage, it turned out that they are not as scary as they look." When we talk about our own experiences, children remember it more easily. For them, it is important that their dad, mum or some other loved one has experienced something.

We would like men to take responsibility for their decisions. How do we teach them this?

Let them do it from an early age, for example by giving them a choice. These choices should be appropriate to their age. If your son is two years old, he can choose one of the two proposed T-shirts. An older boy can decide for himself whether to go out with his friends or study.

Do you agree with the opinion that we are raising sons for our future daughters-in-law?

It's probably true to some extent (laughs). In everyday life, I would focus more on showing children what a nice, healthy relationship between parents can look like. We should show that parents talk to each other. And when they quarrel, they also reconcile, they hug and say what they feel. This is how we do the best job for our future daughter-in-law.

What about working on boys' independence?

Once, some parents came to my office with their 16-year-old son. They had a problem because whatever they asked him for, he thought they were picking on him. He took offence to what they said, as he did not understand what they wanted from him. It turned out that his parents had not required anything from him for 15 years. The boy had no responsibilities, and when the adults finally decided it was time to change that, he didn't know what they meant. He saw it as an attack.

It is difficult to change it at this age, so we should strengthen boys' independence and sense of agency from an early age. For their own sake. Household chores should be performed by every child, even one who is only able to pass, bring and unpack something. It is fun for them and we should take advantage of this. Duties are also great learning for a child – at every stage of their development. Nothing will strengthen a child's sense of agency more than the ability to do things on their own.

And one more important thing. We shouldn't do the duties for our son if he is already able to do them himself. If he can tie his shoes, he should always do it himself. Because if mum starts doing it for him, he will instantly forget that he can do it. A boy who has duties and sees that his dad also has them at home will not expect his partner to take care of the whole household later.

Sometimes you hear that boys shouldn't be praised because they can be spoiled that way.

Praise is necessary and it is simply nice to hear. However, I would praise for the effort, not the effect. Then we strengthen the motivation to take up new challenges. A drawing is often given as an example. Instead of saying, "You've made a great drawing," it is better to praise specific actions, "I can see you've worked hard. You used a lot of colours, these characters are very well defined." The child will receive this second praise quite differently. They will feel that someone has noticed their effort.

Should we only buy toys for boys, e.g. cars and blocks?

And if your son only likes playing with Kinder egg toys or playing pretend school, will you forbid him from doing it? Apparently this is what he needs at the given stage of his development. Surrounding him with cars won't make him interested in them just because he's a boy. The most we can do is make him pretend to be interested in them. In addition, we will make him feel guilty because he doesn't do what mum or dad expects of him.

Perhaps it is worth asking yourself, "What will I gain if my child plays with cars?" Nothing. If he wants to, he should play with dolls, because apparently at this point he needs it.

After all, if he has an older sister, then naturally he may be interested in what she does and what she plays with. Sometimes I see boys pushing a pram on a walk. Dad is pushing his younger siblings in a stroller, so what's wrong if he wants to walk with one too.

However, I would like to add that if a four-year-old boy doesn't show so-called male interests, it doesn't mean it won't change. At the age of six or seven, he may become crazy about cars.

Children have different characteristics regardless of their gender. There are girls who like to kick a ball and climb trees, and there are sensitive boys. We shouldn't focus on what a girl should do and what a boy should do, but follow the child's needs.

My sons really like the book "Tales for Boys Who Want to Be Special". It features unique boys and men from Confucius to YouTube stars. These short stories usually end with a punch line: I achieved success because I remained myself despite all odds.

Such stories develop the imagination, show that there are different areas in which boys and men can fulfil themselves. Not everyone has to be a famous footballer.

So you cannot divide emotions into those that are suitable for boys and those that are reserved for girls.

Of course not. Emotions don't know gender. We are all sometimes angry, sad or joyful. Why can't a boy be moved and a girl pissed off? We should allow our sons and daughters to experience all the emotions that arise within them. But we should also show them at home, we should name them and talk about them.

Here again we come back to the question of fathers and parents. If a dad, feeling like a 100% guy, does not want to show that he is sad, his son probably won't do it either. But is that manly? What if his dad told him about how he felt and showed how he coped with it? For me, it is very masculine to see my son deal with different emotions in his own way. He says what he feels or finds a solution to a difficult situation. I praise him for this, "See, you did it by yourself."

Anna Woźniak talks to Ewa Sękowska-Molga 

• Ewa Sękowska-Molga – psychologist working with children and adolescents. She conducts individual and group therapies for children and teenagers as well as educational consultations for parents. She works in the field of cognitive-behavioural therapy.

Interview published on wysokieobcasy.pl on 9 January 2021.