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“You didn’t put your dirty plates in the dishwasher” – I say this phrase to my son on average four times a week. In many households, getting children to do their chores is a constant struggle. How do you convince a child to do them? Do you ask? Demand? Beg?

As in any good relationship, in most circumstances the answer is to kindly ask them. We should help small children to recognise that their help is both important and needed. With older children, if your initial request is ignored, you are probably best to select a chore you know they are capable of and to stop doing it yourself. This way, the child will be forced to recognise that chores don’t do themselves. For instance, if you ask your child to do the ironing, stop doing it yourself and your child will quickly notice that clothes do not iron themselves. If the child doesn’t want to do the ironing, they may prefer to clean the kitchen. Either way, once the child has chosen their preferred chores, the parent has one duty less, and it doesn’t cause the child any harm. A family is like a small world, presenting opportunities for the child to learn the realities of the real world in a secure and loving environment.

Are a child’s housework duties part of their relationship with the parent?

Sharing work is part of all social relationships, including the one we have with our child. If a child does not do its housework, the source of the problem tends to be not of them, but the initial ask of the parents – were they too forgiving? Or too demanding? After completing a chore, we usually feel satisfied. If we do not give the child a chance to participate in family chores, we take the opportunity to feel this satisfaction away from them; we take away their opportunity to feel a necessary and important member of the family community. Sometimes the child may not feel like helping out, and the parent may not want to fight for something that will only take them five minutes. But, if there’s a lot of these five-minute tasks, the parent may find themselves getting frustrated and angry at the child which could impact their relationship as a whole.

And nobody wants to get angry at their child.

Therefore, it might be worth giving the child a non-urgent task which they can carry out in their own time. The child should thank the parent for help with chores, whether it’s with their homework or serving dinner, recognising that chores are a collaborative effort.

Will the child be more willing to do housework when the relationship with the parent is good?

Absolutely. A child is more likely to fulfil the requests of a parent they love and respect. However, does this mean that a child should be delighted about folding laundry? I wouldn’t count on it. The parent-child relationship is unique and different for each parent. Often adults wonder whether it should be more friendly or more authoritarian. Some parents want a relationship similar to their own childhood, whereas others don't. But what needs to be remembered is that it’s always going to be different and in part difficult to establish.

Which approach should you take?

Scientific studies present various types of parent-child relationships, ranging from being relaxed, that is, allowing the child to do whatever they like, to authoritarian, in which the message is “do as I tell you”. Some studies recommend that, providing the situation is ‘safe’, parents should allow children to make mistakes. For instance, “You can get an F at school. It happens. It does not threaten your life, your health or your future”. It is important to note that this approach should only be taken, providing the child will be safe in all outcomes. A parent is like a lighthouse, guiding the child on when it is safe and when it is not.

Is the last approach the most effective?

Research suggests that yes, by allowing your child to make mistakes, the parent-child relationship tends to be better. It also makes children do well in school and generally do better in life. But, be mindful that such a relationship is like a living organism. You have to build it and take care of it. It tends to be easier when the adult also has the support of a good role model, for instance their parents. However, the challenge here can be that parents often learn about the relationship they have with their parents only when they have their own children. Sometimes parents don’t know where to set the limits which can result in the child feeling lost. It’s helpful to remember that kids have lots of friends, mates and buddies, but they only have two parents. If they don’t have friends, it’s important to to check why; this doesn’t mean you should become a surrogate friend.

Of course, children don’t necessarily like a more authoratitive approach. They may say “I’d like you to be more laid back”. But in difficult situations you cannot rely on a buddy parent. Children often come to adults just to hear them say “No, that’s not a good idea”.

Does a child understand why mum or dad say “no”?

If a child recognises that their parent’s “no” is dicated by concern, not as a means to prove who is stronger, the child will understand and accept the objection; they will know that “no” has been said to protect them.

And will they listen to their parent?

Well not always, the child might want to see what happens if they do the opposite to what the parent has advised. Although the child doesn’t always have to listen to the parent, they should always feel that whatever happens the parent will respond with “I’m with you. You’re not alone in this.”

So, we shouldn’t be afraid to say “no”?

In parenthood, as is in life generally, it’s important never to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing. If I feel that I can’t agree to something my child is asking for, I’m open about it. Of course, my child may not like it, they may stamp their feet and get offended. But, if I don’t agree with it because it threatens my child’s security or is inappropriate for them, I firmly say “no”.

How can this be explained to a child?

For instance, you could say “I know you think this is cool, important and necessary, but I don’t agree. I can’t consent to something I don’t think is good for you.”

Seeing your child’s dissatisfaction may make you feel uncomfortable. Or even worse – like a bad parent.

Well, yes, but it only lasts for a while - long-term goals are more important. After all, we want a long-term relationship based on love, honesty and security. Our message is: “I do it because I love you”. The child will accept this and will not think that they have a bad parent.

You mentioned that relationships are something built on a hunch. We are not perfect, and we often try to make it up to our children. How do they feel about it?

They’ll learn to think it’s the basis for all relationships, always seeing themselves as the innocent party who should be compensated: “you are often away from home, buy me something. You always do that.” A parent, if they can afford it, buys it, because there’s nothing else they can or are able to give them. But this reaction does not feed the child with a sense of feeling valuable. Sometimes we want to give our children the things that we lacked, for example material goods, time or attention. Although we have good intentions, the message our child gets receives is: “I can’t see you, kid.” Why? Because the child may need something different to what we needed. The parent thinks: “As a child, I constantly lacked the presence of my parents, so I will spend every free moment with my son.” But does he really need it? Maybe he likes to be alone or is sociable and prefers to be with friends.

So how do we know what our child really needs?

An important concept here is availability. When my child comes to me, I’m there for them and I listen to them. It is not about asking questions or controlling, but about being the aforementioned lighthouse for the child. We listen and support, as much is needed. When a teenager calls his mother 15-times a day and doesn’t allow her to work normally, she must finally say: “Honey, I know you can do a great job on this. You’ve done it before, I’m sure you’ll be fine. And you don’t need me.”

The lighthouse gives light and security, but you don’t need to live there.

What makes a relationship with a parent give the child a sense of security?

This kind of bond must be formed from the very beginning. Attachment behaviour primarily starts when the child feels that they may be in danger. For example, a 3-year-old wants to go on a new slide at the playground. They look at it and then they look at their parent’s reaction, providing that the parent is available and not staring at their phone. The parent may approach the child and say: “Honey, it’s not safe”, and lead the child elsewhere. And if the parent thinks that the child can do it, they nod and the child climbs on the slide. The toddler looks at their parent as someone whom they can trust and the bond between them must be secure. If the parent doesn’t pay attention to the child, the child will do what they want, and next time, they won’t even look at the parent for consent.

When there’s no accessibility and therefore no bond, the child tends to make more mistakes. It can affect how the child is perceived by others. Such children tend to not be sure of their decisions. Sometimes they reach for drugs to drown their fears and worries.

In some circumstances, the dad or mum is overprotective and everything is forbidden.

What worries an adult may affect their child. The child might want to go wild and do something new, but if the adult is demonstrating fear, then the child will also be afraid. Children have a natural momentum; they are explorers, they like challenges and crossing borders.

How else can you show that you’re accessible?

Availability means “I am here, and I see you”. For example, say a daughter comes back from school in a bad mood and the mum asks: “What’s up?”. The daughter clearly sourly replies “I’m OK”. In this circumstance, it might be better to ask “Is anything wrong? You are sad, upset?”. Of course, she may still reply with “No, it’s nothing”, but she also may feel that she and her emotions have now been noticed, and it may be enough for her to talk when she is ready.

We talk differently to a three-year-old than to a 13-year-old. How does the parent-child relationship change with age?

The safety of a 3-year-old is different from that of a 13-year-old. When our toddler is as keen as mustard, we hold their hand through everything. We may say “we’re on the street now, it’s dangerous and I have to watch over you. As soon as we reach the park, you will be able to run freely. You don’t have to think about it because I’m next to you”.

When the child is older, we allow them to do different things, but we still watch what happens. We decide how much freedom to give and how much control to exercise. Let’s not assume that the child will not be up to the challenge.

But older children may not like such care. They may rebel.

Of course they will, because it’s inherent behaviour of teenagers. Parents may think that they therefore need to tighten the screws. Yet, the older a child is, the more freedom they should get. Prohibitions and watching children works well when they’re small. As they grow up, they develop a need to be independent. As soon as they feel that we’re limiting them, they rebel. They don’t do it because they are extremely mean and want to annoy us, they’re looking for their own way, it’s inscribed in their genes.

My impression is that parents sometimes can’t keep up with their children. They don’t notice the changes and the changing needs of the child, and this frustrates both parties.

One of the signals we should notice is rebellion. If a child does things that we don’t agree to, it means that we’re not keeping up. Around the age of ten, children begin to look at their parents more soberingly and consciously. In their eyes, they are no longer the greatest and infallible. They notice that adults sometimes lie or fail to keep their word. For children, this is a new reality and they must find their place in it.

We, adults, must also find ourselves in it. Give up or control even more?

Again, the best solution will be our availability and sensitivity. We must provide a framework that is safe for the child and watch how they find themselves in it. For example, say that your son declares that he will no longer study. You, as his parent, can’t make him study, but you can set a time between 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. when he should do his homework. Then he can do the things he likes, but for two hours he should focus on studying. I don’t know if he will actually study then, but you’re giving him a framework and this should help.

And what about freedom? How much of it we should give to a child, of course appropriately to their age?

I always think a lot. When a child is small, you should hide all dangerous objects from them so that they do not hurt themselves, and then do not prohibit running or exploring new places, simply give them freedom. ‘Safe’ freedom.

Then, when the child is older and wants to visit friends, we should do the same. We ask who they are going to and for how long - we prepare the space to make them feel safe. We don’t forbid them going out.

Of course, the older a child is, the more you can offer them. We aren’t able to protect them from everything. But part of growing up is experiencing different things, including unpleasant things. I remember my teenage daughter going to a concert in another city for the first time. “Mum, everything will be OK, I’m not a child anymore,” she convinced me. And what happened? Somebody stole her phone and she lost her keys to the flat where she was staying. Would my reasoning protect her from this? No. She had to experience it and manage it. Sometimes we have to accept that something bad might happen. After all, adults also experience many things that are not fun.

It is always worth supporting the child in such a situation and refraining from saying: “Didn’t I say so?”. Try to make them realise that something unpleasant has happened but they are not alone in it.

Would you agree that we as parents are 100% responsible for the relationship with the child?

Not entirely. Some children find it difficult to establish relationships and are therefore can sometimes be a great challenge for their parents. This may happen when, for example, they differ significantly from their parents in terms of temperament. Sometimes one parent understands the child and the other has a huge problem with that. This is clearly seen in families with several children each of whom is different. A parent may get along easily and have a strong bond with one child, but has great difficulty achieving that with another.

It’s also worth keeping in mind that sometimes, the parent may find it difficult to deal with their own child. I wouldn’t say that in this circumstance, it’s the child’s fault; it’s difficult to balance the temperaments and characters. An energetic dad may not understand why his daughter eats breakfast for 20 minutes, if he can do it in three minutes. Her behaviour may be perceived as bad to him, but in reality, she needs that much time to eat her toast. Maybe instead of getting angry, it’s better to get up and let her eat in peace.

From your experience – what are the most common mistakes we make in relationships with children?

Sometimes we’re unable to deal with our own anxiety and feelings in our relationship with the child. A baby is born into this world and we feel totally responsible for them, for what kind of a person they become and what experiences they have. It seems to us that if we limit their freedom, it’ll be best for them. We’ll be protecting them from failure and defeat, until they turn eighteen.

I experienced something similar myself. When my children wanted to start going out alone, I had a huge problem accepting it. I was worried about them. So I relied on my husband who didn’t have such fears. I said: “If dad lets you go, you can go. Don’t ask me as my answer will always be “no” because I have a problem surrounding my fear for you. I trust him and I know that he will not expose you to danger.”

It worked for me, but everyone can find a way that works in their family. If we have a problem, we have to deal with it ourselves. It’s not good to burden our child with it.

Anna Woźniak interviews Małgorzata Rymaszewska, a psychologist.

Graphics: Marta Frej