I’m hungry, so I’m eating. I’m sad, so...? Can we recognise and satisfy our needs?

If you’re thirsty, you reach for water. If you’re hungry, you eat. It’s simple and obvious. What if you feel annoyed or sad? What does your body tell you then? Do you do anything to change that? Or do you conclude that this is clearly the way it’s supposed to be? Emotions are our body’s response to satisfied or frustrated needs. That’s why it’s worth listening to yourself and your body. It enables us to recognise emotions better and find out what’s really going on with us and what we need. This is the first step to accepting our feelings and look for a way to satisfy the need we’ve become aware of. 

What our emotions say about our needs 

The stronger the intensity of emotions within us, the greater the need . So, even if we’re dealing with emotions that aren’t pleasant, let’s not be afraid of them. Let’s treat them like control lights that give us important information about our condition and try to look at what they signal to us. Feeling strong emotions is often something that prompts us to act. Our needs are universal, but we differ not only in time and manner, but also in how we satisfying them.  

Let’s take a look at emotions 

Emotions are divided into: primary (fear, anger, joy, sadness, disgust), secondary, i.e. those that come from primary emotions, but differ in severity (in the case of anger it can be: annoyance, rage, frustration, wrath, and in the case of joy it is often contentment, amusement, enthusiasm, fun, etc.), and complex, which are combinations of several emotions, e.g. longing = sadness + curiosity; nostalgia = sadness + joy etc. 

Joy occurs when we celebrate something, e.g. when we have succeeded, achieved something important for us or when we have a sense of influence or being heard. It means satisfying some of our needs. 

Anger appears when our sense of security is shaken, when we feel disrespected or powerless. It can be caused by the feeling of being unheard, rejected or by not getting the recognition we think we deserve in a given situation. When it appears, it means that some of our needs are not satisfied. 

Sadness pays a visit when we suffer a loss, when we’re in mourning (also after experiencing disappointment), when we don’t feel accepted, which each one of us needs so much, or when we lack the bonds that give us a sense of belonging.

Fear is often confused with anxiety. These are two different emotions. We feel fear when we face danger or uncertainty and when our peace is disturbed. So, it’s a reaction to real situations. Anxiety is a response to imaginary situations. We feel anxious when we sit at home and think that in the Bieszczady Mountains we can have a terrifying encounter with a bear.  

Our emotions 

Take a look at your emotions and what they may signal. What needs do they indicate? Recall the last time you experienced a surge of joy. Then do the same with anger. Discuss what has recently upset or frightened you. Dissect this situation to get to the root of this emotion and what it was a sign of. 

What does this emotion do to my body? 

Talk about where emotions are located in your bodies, where you feel a given emotion and how you experience it. It’s best if each of you makes their own map. Look for similarities and differences in experiencing given emotions. 

Here’s a little cheat sheet: 

Joy – endorphins are released, the whole body is stimulated, active, it’s a pleasant and energising experience. 

Sadness – powerlessness, a body deprived of stimulation and energy, collapsing, tears. 

Anger – high energy in the upper body, the chest, arms and face stiffen. 

Fear – strength in large muscles, mainly in legs or arms, to fight or to run. 

Anxiety – trembling, pressure, dispersion of energy. 

Think about the situations in which such emotions arise in you and what the purpose of feeling them can be. What do we need emotions for? What is their function in our lives? 

Dealing with emotions  

In order to deal with emotions, we need to get to know them and learn to express them safely. We also need to understand that emotions are ours. We’re the ones who feel and experience them. They arise within us as a result of our reaction to the world and we’re responsible for them.  

Dealing with emotions consists of the following stages: 

1. Recognising that I feel.  

2. Recognising how I feel.  

3. Recognising the needs that evoke a given emotion.  

4. Choosing how to express a given emotion. 

5. Expressing and experiencing a given emotion. The stronger the need, the stronger the emotions we experience. 

Talking about your needs 

When we feel joy, it’s great to share it with others. We’re glad that our need has been satisfied. However, when we’re overpowered by anger, which is a sign of a need not being satisfied, infecting others with it will no longer be so pleasant. When we experience strong emotions, it can be difficult to clearly express what we feel and what we need. However, when we give voice to them and they become less intense, it’s worth considering what happened and how it affected us. Thanks to this, we’ll be able to deal with them better in the future. What happens when we witness, for example, a temper tantrum? How can we figure out what other people and we need? Talking is often the best and easiest way to find out. It gives us clarity in a given matter. We can see what emotions can be caused by satisfying or not satisfying a given need. We also learn what the needs of a specific person are.  

Talking about what we’re going through often allows us to become more aware of our own needs. So, when we don’t know something, when we don’t understand the behaviour of others, let’s ask them how they feel. And when we feel lost, let’s talk to someone we trust! 

 

All source materials are prepared by the team of Kulczyk Foundation’s Education Department in cooperation with teachers and experts – pedagogists, psychologists and cultural experts – and verified by an experienced family therapist Kamila Becker. Kinga Kuszak, PhD, Professor of Adam Mickiewicz University, Faculty of Educational Studies, provides content-related supervision over Kulczyk Foundation’s educational materials. All materials are covered by the content patronage of the Faculty of Educational Studies of Adam Mickiewicz University.

The article was published on 19.05.2020 on the website of Instytut Dobrego Życia (Good Life Institute)

Authors: Marta Tomaszewska (Kulczyk Foundation) and Anna Woźniak (Instytut Dobrego Życia)